


We Were Partners.

by IntoTheVoidAndBeyond6



Category: Figure Skating RPF, tessa virtue/scott moir - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-14 23:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 49,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14146710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntoTheVoidAndBeyond6/pseuds/IntoTheVoidAndBeyond6
Summary: Tessa Virtue has always kind of had the best of both worlds. Being a successful skater and getting to ice skate with the man she loves. Not that he knows that, not that it matters. She learns to live with the way things are until fate steps in the way, ruining everything and forcing her to choose between two lives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I promised myself I would not write about real people and I have failed. Being sucked into the fandom that is Virtue/Moir. I'll try to keep this updated as much as possible, but I'm not entirely sure how I want this story to end yet, so please be patient.

They were so young when it started. She can still remember the day they were paired up together. All uncomfortable glances and awkward exchanges. Their parents thought it was hilarious, but it made her so angry. Angry enough that she wanted to show them everything they could do, so they did.

Scott really doesn’t remember the moment they realized they were good, but she does. It was the first time they’d been in complete sync on one of their more complicated turns.  It was as close to perfect as they could get it. She saw the look in her mother’s eyes and knew what they had was special. 

After that there was no questioning them. It was Tessa and Scott, Virtue and Moir. She doesn’t remember the moment she memorized his many smiles, or the playful glint that crossed his eyes all the time, but she remembers when they became a team. 

_She was seven years old and he nine and now all she wants is for him to be okay_.

 

....

  
They spent so much time looking at each other she should be used to this by now. It was somewhat required in their line of work. Constant eye contact, try to smile, keeping that chemistry sizzling like a live wire. Yet, staring at Scott now Tessa can’t help but feel a rift. He isn’t giving her his real smile, he doesn’t touch her anymore… Every movement is so careful, too careful and she hates it.

She thinks she offended him last night when she told him for what she hoped was the last time that their partnership can’t go beyond skating. They both know it. They tried it once and not when they were seven and nine like they always told the press. And it had ended… badly. Tessa didn’t want that again, them skating together was the most important thing.

“We’re not selling it.” She says between clenched teeth, the smile on her lips beginning to hurt.

“Hard to sell something that doesn’t exist.” Scott says back evenly.

“Scott,” she says, but can’t find more words to try and fix this. She’s known Scott for more than a ten years and he’s always been on her side. Even when he didn’t agree with her he still was on her side. By her side, but this just felt broken.

They have spent so much of their lives together that she couldn’t imagine skating with someone else. Now she’s the one who’s trying not to be offended. It doesn’t matter how much she cares about him, how much she loves him. When they slip up on those things, it blurs into their skating. Which they both agreed is the most important thing.

So, when the music stops a few minutes later and he pushes away from her like she’s shocked him she keeps telling herself the same thing. 

 

_I did this for us._

 

....

  
“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Scott appears at her side scaring the shit out of her.

“God! You’re so quiet!” She says to him, holding her hand over her chest trying to bring down her racing heart.

He grins throwing an arm over her shoulders tucking her into his side. _Too close. Not close enough_. She will never get tired of the way he smells, the way his smile reaches from ear to ear. She leans into him, until they’re hugging and she hears him whisper, “I really am sorry though. For everything.”

“It’s okay, I get why you were angry.”

“Not angry T, just… I’m tired and I know we agreed to wait until we were retired, but I’m just so tired.”

“I know.”

He gives her a tight squeeze and she feels a small bit of relief. He does this all the time. Sometimes after a skate, sometimes when she’s making lunch, or overanalyzing their latest rankings. He’ll pull her into a hug and give her a small squeeze, keeping her grounded. 

If she lived a different life, in a different time, she would never find a better partner than Scott. Every time he makes her laugh, any time he calms her down. She doesn’t know why he puts up with her, he’d probably say the same thing about her.

“We’re going to win another gold and then all of this will be over,” she hears him mumble. 

She feels that same stirring in her chest thinking about it. They only have to make it two years. Two years of keeping themselves in check, of pretending like she doesn’t see his dejected look when she shrugs out from under his arms when they’re in public. Scott doesn’t realize it hurts her too.

But the second they decide to become more than partners that’s all anyone will care about. They’ll say the chemistry is only because they were together the whole time, not that they practiced it for hours on end, they’ve always had chemistry, they just had to hone it in. They’ll focus less on their twizzles and more on the way their lips just barely brush while they’re on the ice. That is something she refuses to deal with until their professional skating careers are over.

 

“Just two more years.” She whispers back.

 

....

 

Something happens just a few month later though. He has his head buried in his hands and he’s unable to meet her eyes across the table. She feels bad for him, for whatever it is he feels like he can’ tell her. He’s been avoiding her for weeks and every time she tries to confront him he ducks her. It wasn’t until she playfully poked him in the practice that he said they needed to talk, and he didn’t sound happy about it.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.“ He says quietly. Still not looking at her.

"Scott, what is it? You’re scaring me a bit here.” Tessa says evenly. 

“I met someone.”

“Oh.” She says it so quietly she’s not even sure she said it.

“I didn’t plan on this and we’ve only been on a few dates and I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I really really like her and.-.”

“Scott take a breath.” She laughs, but it doesn’t sound right, even to her own ears.

“I know we made plans Tessa and I’m not backing out of that, I just. I’m not happy right now. With this,” he says gesturing between them. “It kills me to come to the rink and do our routines and not be able to touch you as soon as were off the ice.”

“Does she make you happy?” She tries her best to sound supportive, completely side-stepping his comment.

“She does.”

Tessa nods unable to do much more than that. She’s been so focused on the gold she hasn’t paid near enough attention to Scott. Not in a million years would she have guessed that he was going out on dates and being happy with someone else.

“Say something T.” It feels wrong for him to use his childhood nickname for her when it feels like they’ve drifted apart.

“We can talk about it after the olympics. After we’ve won gold.”

“Okay.” Is all he says to her, finally meeting her eyes. He looks sad.

They don’t talk about it after they win the gold or when he proposed to Emily a month after the olympics. Besides one night when they both drink a little too much and get angry with one another they decide to never discuss it again.

 

....

 

“Scott, listen," she says irritated as he keeps stealing M&Ms from her. “Emily wants you home for a few months after this and I think you should go.”

“We’re not discussing this again.” He rolls his eyes, brushing her off.

“Eyes on the road.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Now it’s her turn to roll her eyes. Tessa pauses for a moment looking at his side profile. She can’t explain the way things worked out. Emily being his real wife and Tessa becoming his work one. They’ve been coaching for just shy of a year and they’re getting the hang of things, but they’re not quite there yet.

It was strange talking to Scott after he got engaged and then married. She’d be lying if she said everything was the same. The night of his bachelor party they both got really drunk and had it out. Screaming, crying, and laughing. God, there’d been some of that too. They don’t talk about that night though. Leaving it as a memory that she has to swallow when she sleeps alone at night.

 

_It should have been us T._

_Then you should have waited._

 

Those were the last things they’d said about their two year plan, until it came to nothing. They woke up the next morning, pretending like nothing had happened and then discussed a coaching opportunity that had been offered to them.

Even now, smiling in the car she’d forgotten how quickly the conversation could change. One minute they’d be pestering one another and the next they could be laughing uncontrollably, which is what happened as soon as Scott tried to steal another M&M from her. She wanted to memorize it, keep it in a memory bank in her mind forever.

She held the bag out of his reach and he leaned in to tickle her and she almost dropped the bag. Almost.

Everything happened so quickly after that. His eyes were off the road for two seconds she thought. No more than two seconds, but suddenly she saw Scott’s side getting smashed into, before they began to spin out.  It all got so blurry after that.

They told her when she woke up in the hospital two days later that she was lucky to be alive. Lucky? She had a broken arm, some major contusions, and a concussion.

“Where’s Scott?” She asks, scared by the face her mother gives her. 

“Mom, Where. Is. Scott?” Her heart is racing and she already knows the answer before her mom speaks.

“Honey, Scott’s side was smashed in the accident. He was in rough shape when they brought him in and… and he didn’t make it.”

There was a part of her that wanted to cry, but she couldn’t, he couldn't be gone.

“Are you sure there isn’t some kind of mistake? We we’re on our way home. Everything was fine.” She starts, but her mother interrupts her.

“Tessa baby, he’s.. he’s gone.”

She closes her and takes deep breaths trying to calm herself. She waits for a small squeeze that never comes. When she leaves the hospital a few days later, it’s like she’s holding her breath.

The funeral is an extravagant thing that Scott never would have wanted. Canada was mourning a star. Tessa stood next to Emily and held her hand. She apologized a hundred times over, not that it mattered. Not that it would bring Scott back. 

All she did now was watch tv and not sleep. Sometimes she looks at videos of her and Scott skating. Memorizing his face, pausing at just the right moment.

 

_We were so happy._

 

Her mother brings her to the doctor when she sees the bags under her eyes. Tessa tells her she can’t sleep and her mom says that she’ll fix it. It should bother her the way everyone is babying her. It’s not like she’s the one who’s husband died. She slides into bed that night after take two small pills and feels sleep finally overcome her, everything getting fuzzy around the edges. 

 

_She was seven years old and he was nine and now she just hoped he was okay._

 

....

 

His smell is what wakes her. She inhales it like a drug before opening her eyes… Seeing a very naked and very asleep Scott Moir in her bed.

She pokes his shoulder before, he turns his head towards her, “Five more minutes.” He says with his eyes still closed.

“What. Are. You. Doing. In. My. Bed?” She enunciates every word.

His eyes flutter open. A lazy smile finding it’s way towards his face.

“I thought that was fairly obvious.” He says grinning, eyeing her up and down.

Which is when she realizes she is also naked and pulls up the sheets screeching in embarrassment.

“What is going on? You’re married! What would this do to Emily?” She says it all while tumbling out of bed.

“Who’s Emily?” He asks confused before holding out his hand to her. “And please come back to bed.”

His left hand is bare as it reaches for her, and she can’t help the way her instincts cause her to reach back. He gives her a quick pull before he’s rolling on top of her. Placing warm kisses up her neck, behind her ears, the tip of her nose, all carefully avoiding her mouth. 

“This must be a dream.” She whispers.

“Not a dream babe, we have practice in an hour.” His teeth find a sensitive spot on her neck that give her the chills.

She groans and can feel his laughter vibrate right through her.

“Now there’s the Tessa I know and love.”

She looks up at him then and finds him looking happy, more happy than she’s seen him in a long time. If this is a dream, she doesn’t want to wake up yet.

“What?” He asks when she stares a little too long.

“Nothing, I just. I’m really happy to see you is all.”

“We said last night that we weren’t going to pretend when we’re alone anymore.”

“We what?” She asks more confused.

There was a part of her that wanted to freeze this moment. Before she had to wake up without him and go back to the real world. 

His eyes got dark as they stared back at her, the intensity behind them making the butterflies flutter in her stomach. 

“You told me that even if we have to wait to go public until after we’ve won gold, we could still be us when we go home.”

“Oh,” she whispers. 

His face drops, causing her to pull his eyes back up to hers, using her hands to cradle his face.

“No, I’m happy. I’m really am.” She says, but her heart is racing. They won the gold medal over a year ago, none of this made any sense.

“Okay, because I am in this Tessa, I’ve been in this for years.”

She smiles at him, before pulling him towards her, his hands reaching around her and squeezing her gently when she notices it. The Disney calendar on the wall that he got her for Christmas, as the year stares back at her she can’t help but wonder what is happening. 

She always said that if she could go back to the day things changed she would do it. Maybe in this dream she did finally go for it. Actually being happy with Scott. As he held her in his arms, before pulling her out of bed to get ready for practice she had already decided.

_If this was a dream she never wanted to wake up._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone reading this story. All your responses are awesome and I hope to reply to most of you within the next few days. Some of your theories are good, but the end notes will probably help clear a few things up.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, again!

 

 

Part of her wanted to ask him. What was happening, to explain to her why she remembered being in an accident and him dying. Did it really happen? Was it a nightmare? But she worries he will think she’s crazy. She’s starting to think she’s crazy.

_But it all felt so real._

“You never answered my question earlier.” Scott asks her a question, without really asking, interrupting her mini spiral.

“Hmm?” She hums back. His hands are on the wheel and her nerves on edge, as they are their way to the rink.

“Who is Emily, and why did you say I was married to her?” He laughs out the last words, and she smiles despite none of this being funny, because his laugh is infectious.

This was the moment she decided she could be as honest as possible, and face him head on about it or pretend that she had no idea what was going on.

 “I think I was just groggy when I woke up. I was having the worst nightmare.” _Middle ground_ she decided. Tell a little bit of the truth until she figured out what the fuck was going on.

 “Do tell,” he waggles his eyebrows at her.

 “I dreamed that you fell in love with someone else and then you died.” 

 His eyes got darker as the words left her mouth, even with him not looking at her, she could tell he was tense.

 “Way to kill the good vibes Tess.” He gives her a small glance from his peripheral, and she knows he’s trying to joke with her, but it falls flat. “Either way, you know it had to be a nightmare, I could never love anyone the way I love you.”

He always knew what to say in moments like this. When she was panicked or scared and he just makes everything better. He always has. If it truly was a nightmare she was happy to be home because she missed this. She missed Scott more than anything on Earth.

When he turns into the rink she realizes just how much she’s missed skating with him. They had been through so much together and she could not imagine skating with anyone else, let alone coaching on a world he wasn’t a part of.

Marie and Patch are there once they get inside and it feels like such an adjustment. It feels like she hasn’t skated in years and going back into a fourth cycle of the olympics is daunting. She remembers doing it the first time, and frankly even if that wasn’t real it still was a lot of hard work.

 “Scott, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I feel like I don’t know the routine.” She tries not to sound like she’s lying, which she isn’t, but she still feels guilty about it.

 “That’s because we haven’t really choreographed it yet, just working out the logistics. Hell, we haven’t even picked a song.” He says shrugging.

 “Say you love me.” She blurts it out so quickly she couldn’t stop herself.

 “I love you?” He says it more like a question and she laughs at the confused look on his face.

 “No, the song is called Say You Love Me. It’s by Jessie Ware.”

 “And you think that would work for us?”

She thinks about skating to it in her other life. How much tension was in even step, every bit of skin that touched skin. It felt like an inferno any time they performed it together. Maybe not for Scott, he was with Emily, but God when they were on that ice he was with her too.

 “I do. I think it will work.”

Within a few minutesthey find themselves in the center ice, the music slowly playing in the background. His fingers sliding across her waist to hold her against him. She feels a shiver run through her body, he knows what he’s doing, he always has. She may not know what they’ve been working on, but her body is so attuned to his, she’s sure she can follow along.

 “You trust me?” He whispers in her ear and all she can do is nod.

Even with the music playing she feels everything go quiet. Tessa knows this game, she’s done it a million times. Avoid his gaze, stare a little too long, look away quickly like she’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

His gaze doesn’t waver as his hands move across her body, and soon they’re gliding together. She has this nervous energy building up and before she knows it, he’s lifting her and her body follows on it own accord. Melting its way back into Scott’s once her skates touch the ice.

His hand is on her back and even with the fabric between them, it feels hot. His other hand grips her tightly and before she knows what he’s doing she’s spun right into him. His mouth by her neck, close, but not kissing his breath warm and wanting.

She skates away then, unable to stay so close to him, and can hear him coming after her.

“Tess, what’s wrong?”

 “Nothing," she says trying to control her breathing. "It’s fine I’m just a little wound up.”

 “You’re not, you’re shaking.”

He’s quiet as he skates up to her, his hands finding her shoulders and rubbing up and down her arms trying to calm her nerves. He places one hand under her chin, trying to pull it upwards so she’ll meet his eyes.

 “Tess.”

 “I just can’t shake that nightmare Scott. It felt so real. All of it felt so real. This is the first time we’ve skated in forever and I can’t breathe just thinking about it.”

 “We skated together yesterday. You had a nightmare, I’m not married to some girl named Emily and I’m not dead. I’m right here. With you.”

She doesn’t know whether she should cry or smack him. She settles for pulling him closer, his arms pulling her into a hug, her ear finding his heartbeat against his chest. Syncing them together. Just a few deep breaths and she already feels a bit better.

“Maybe we take it slower today?” He asks and she says yes without think about it.

 Before long his feet are leading them both and it's slow and sweet. They fall into step without trying, it’s one of the best things about having a partner understanding your every movement.

It feels different than their normal, she can admit that, but they still have a lightness in their steps that most partners would envy.

They keep looking at each other, silently reassuring that they both feel it. The small string connecting the two of them. His eyes are intense and she knows hers are bright under the lights. Gorgeous green he mouths, mirroring her thoughts.

Scott keeps moving them around the rink and she follows him without much thought. They move their hands around each other, they get closer and than farther apart. There are times when their mouths get so close, too close, and she can feel his breath on her lips. She wants to lean in and taste them, but she doesn’t want to do that with Marie and Patch in the stands.

The song repeats itself over and over, to the point that she knows Scott is getting tired with it. He slides to a stop, dipping her low and following the movement. Leaving an open mouthed kiss on her neck. Her skin flushes out of habit. He knows what his mouth does to her. The glint in his eyes evident when they both stand.

“Did that feel a more real?” He asks her in such a gentle tone that she has to physically stop herself from jumping him.

“It felt perfect.” Tessa thinks that she could live many lives over and over and never find a more perfect partner than Scott. What ever version in whatever universe, they were meant to be.

“I can tell Marie and Patch that you aren’t feeling well and we can ditch.” He whispers. “We can grab some dinner, watch a movie… or you know… Not watch it.” He smirks.

 She stifles a laugh, punching him in the shoulder before skating towards the exit, him on her heels.

 “I’m ready to go if you are.”

  

—

  

His fingers brush along the curve of her jaw, as they lie in bed that night. They made it through a late lunch and almost two movies before Scott caved, unable to keep his hands off her. Not that she was complaining.

“Thank you for giving this a shot T.” He sounds so fragile and she can’t help the way her mouth finds his cheek in the semi darkness of her room.

“You’re worth it to me.” She says the words and remembers the fight they had. Just before he got married. Just before shit hit the fan that night. He told her the reason she wouldn’t jump is because she never thought he was worth it.

She can feel the smile taking over his face and before long they’re cuddled together. Noses brushing and hands finding one another under her sheets.

“I love you Tessa Virtue.” The words caress her skin as she drifts off to sleep.

 

—

 

The first thing she thinks is that she has a giant crick in her neck.

“Scott?”

His name finds its way out of her lips withouta second thought. She’s sprawled out on her couch and wonders when they made their way there in the night.

“Honey?” The voice is familiar, but not the one she’s expecting.

“Mom?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t wake you.” She says walking from her kitchen into the living room. “You just looked so peaceful sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb that.”

“Scott was just here.”

Her mother pauses before squeezing her way in right next to her on the couch. Pulling her hand into her lap, and rubbing soothing circles into it. “Tessa baby, we’ve talked about this. Scott is gone.”

The tears find their way into her eyes and she has to hold her fist against her mouth to stop them sob from escaping her mouth.

 

_He was in my arms. He was holding me._

 

She must have said it out loud because her mother pulls her in close, trying to comfort her. “It might be a side effect of the drugs honey. Hallucinations.”

She felt like she was going to fucking scream because this was crazy and unfair. Replaying the last day in her head, like a masochist trying to pull it apart. It was real. It had to be real. Hallucinations would cause what was happening right now. Scott married to someone else and dying. He never would leave her.

She remembers his arm wrapped around her, the way his eyes met hers on the ice. The way he coaxed her back into skating yesterday, even without the choreography.

“I don’t want to take them anymore.”

It felt wrong to say it, even if the sleeping pills gave Scott back to her. She would not be punish herself like that again.

“But they helped you sleep.” Her mother whispers.

“I’m not taking them again!” Her voice sounds shrill and she’s embarrassed for yelling at her mom who is only trying to help, but she finds that she can’t sit in this house right now being pitied.

“I need to go for a run.”

She doesn’t wait for her mom’s answer and she doesn’t change out of her sweats before she is out the door running as far away as her legs will carry her.

Unconsciously, she knows where she’s going to end up. Walking her way through a cemetery she vowed she would never walk through again. It isn’t hard to find his and her heart sinks at all the flowers wilting around the headstone.

She sits before the stone memorizing the words until it all looks like gibberish. He would tell her to stop crying and live her life. That she shouldn’t keep crying over someone who wasn’t coming back. 

The stone feels cool beneath her fingertips and the grass is damp, but she can’t move from this spot just yet. She rubs small circles into the stone out of habit. The way he always rubbed circles into her skin when she needed something to calm her down.

Staring at the stone she wants to tell him everything she was afraid to say before. That while she hoped to win gold, she never would have done it, if it meant giving him up. That she should have told him sooner that him being with Emily bothered her because she was in love with him. That she wished she hadn’t been such a coward before it was too late. Not that it means anything now. He’s gone and she’s left all alone.

She feels the goosebumps on her skin and swears she can hear his voice around her.

 

_I’m still right here T._

 

God she must really be losing it, and the lack of sleep is finally catching up with her. She knew if he was here he would understand. He would tell her that she needed to stop going through the motions and get back into the world.

She gives the stone one small pat before pulling herself up to her feet. Unable to stop the image of Scott from crossing her mind. Eyes always intense and unyielding. Telling her to go home and never come back. To keep going without him.

The thought makes her nervous and she finds that going home still makes her queasy. She decides to stop by the store and grab some chocolate and the closer she gets to home the heavier her steps feel.

Her phone rings, making her jump. She didn’t even realize she had it on her. When she sees Emily’s name flash across the screen she contemplates ignoring her, but strangely enough she finds the thought of talking to someone who loved Scott as much as she did comforting.

“Hey.” She tries to sound breezy and halfway hopes she succeeded.

“Hey. Uhm, you’re mom called earlier, worried about you and wondered if I had seen you.”

“Oh, yeah. I just had a bad nightmare and woke and realized it was actually my life.” Her voice dripping with sarcasm and then she realizes who she’s talking to. “Emily, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean.-“

‘It’s okay, Tessa. Really. I know you’re hurting too.”

“He was my best friend.” _And the love of my life._

“He cared a lot about you.” She whispers and Tessa finds this whole exchange absurd.

“Yeah, well. I’m pretty tired and it’s getting dark. I should probably be trying to get home.” She knows its a copout, that she’s less than ten minutes from her house, but she doesn’t want to keep talking.

“Do you want to grab coffee tomorrow?” Emily blurts out.

“Coffee tomorrow?” She asks, and she knows she sounds confused. Tessa doesn't mean to be rude, Emily is a nice woman, but they've never actually been very close. Kind of comes with the territory of having to make yourself the third wheel to their relationship and her the third wheel to their skating partnership.

“I just. I miss him and you’re one of the only people who knew him and everytime I look at his family all I see is him. Please.”

Tears start to swell in her eyes and she has to swallow the giant lump in her throat before answering. “Sure Emily, I’ll be there.”

They decide on a time and where they want to grab some coffee and before she knows it she’s home. She walks right by the counter with her pills staring at her on top. Urging her to take just one more.

She doesn’t.

She will count sheep if she has to she thinks, climbing into bed before pulling the covers over her head and letting herself drift off to sleep.

 

— 

  

She’s woken up by a light pressure on her cheek. Opening her eyes she sees he’s lying right next to her, head propped up on his elbow. His eyes crinkle as he smiles at her, he looks so sweet and her heart flutters.

“Morning sleepyhead.”

“Good morning.”

She swallows, tasting her morning breath and tries to think of a logical explanation for what it happening. She didn’t take her pills. This is not a hallucination. This cannot be a hallucination.

Scott must sense something is wrong because he brings her thumb up to her face, trying to smooth out the wrinkle between her eyebrows.

“Have another nightmare?”

“No,” she whispers, her mouth suddenly feeling dry. “I still can’t believe I get to wake up to you every morning.”

He laughs, and his head drops toward her neck. She wonders if he believes her, and she also wonders if Scott has found his new favorite place on her body.

He turns his head planting another wet kiss on her cheek. “Guess what Virtch? You’re stuck waking up with me for life.”

_For this life at least._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure I'm still not sure how I'm finishing this story. I have a rough idea, but the more I write, the more likely I am to tweak some things. For those of you who are confused with the two realities I've loosely borrowed the concept from the show Awake (an excellent NBC show that was cancelled waaaaay too soon). And while that show never told us which reality was the "real" one, mines going to take a different plot twist from the show.
> 
> The plot of Awake is basically that there is a man named Michael who lives two different realities after accident. In one reality his wive survives and in the other his son. He never knows which one is real and then the show was cancelled so.
> 
> I had toyed with the idea of the story being from Emily's point of view (Tessa dead in one reality and Scott in the other) but frankly I just didn't want to and for story purposes I think that seeing Tessa's life with Scott versus her life without him was a better fit. I'm not going to say which one is the real one, that would ruin the long haul you're all in for, but I hope you enjoy it. ;)
> 
> Sorry for the long af note, but hopefully it clears some things up.
> 
> Also, the song Say You Love Me is absolutely gorgeous. Check it out!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much everyone! Your response to this story is wonderful :)
> 
> There are some notes at the end, so I'll leave this one short and sweet.

 

 

Here’s the thing about living a double life. The second she wakes up with Scott in her bed is fantastic, but knowing that as soon as she falls asleep that night she may end up somewhere else is scary. She wants to stay here in his arms. Memorize his face, his smell, in case she doesn't get to again.

 

Sadly, they have a life outside of this small room that they have to get back to. Tessa can handle the early mornings, not well, but she can handle them. She knows they’re worth it, what will happen if they stay on this projected course, or maybe not.

 

This whole world is different. What it her and Scott getting together before changes everything? They had their fairytale and Pyeongchang, they could have left well enough alone, but she wanted more. They both did, but she pushed it harder.

 

She decides skating around Scott at the rink this morning, that whatever happens she wants this to be it this time. Really, gold medal or no gold medal she wants a moment to breathe and be with Scott, without so many eyes on them for once.

 

The conditioning is relentless. The choreography rehearsal feels like slipping back into a second skin. She can handle all the training in the world as long as Scott is by her side. The next few hours are spent planning which competition is first, followed by how they want to plan their trajectory towards their next olympics. Last time they had a two year plan, this time they want to show everyone that they’ll be done when they say they’re done.

 

She smiles as Scott says the words. He likes that for once he gets a say in things, especially related to them. They aren’t left waiting until the olympics are over to be together, they can be together now.

 

“I still don’t like the sneaking around.” He says digging into a burger when they stop for food before going back to her place.

 

“We discussed this already. I’m with you, we can go on dates, we can hangout at my house-“

 

‘We can have sex, lots of sex.” He says wiggling his eyebrows at her.

 

She ignores his last comment continuing, “But as far as the world is concerned, we’re just being our normally overly friendly selves.”

 

“What if the press asks us again?” He says it so quietly she thinks she imagines it.

 

“We can say what we always do.”

 

“So, we lie?”

 

She tries to smile, but even she knows it comes off as fake and Scott sees it too.

 

“It’s nobodies business anyway.”

 

“But before when we said we weren’t together it wasn’t a lie Tess, sure things were complicated, but we weren’t lying about not dating.”

 

“Scott.”

 

He holds up his hands, as if washing himself from the conversation. “Well, figure it out when it happens.” He says before she nods back.

 

It’s a comforting that they’re talking about these things for once, rather than around them. She can tell he's still frustrated and she doesn't blame him, but she still thinks this is their best option for now. “I overheard Patch wants us to go over more breathing techniques tomorrow.” The familiar pattern of feeling his heartbeat beneath her fingertips again, sets her heartbeat racing at the thought.

 

“He just wants to make sure we’re still in sync. Still two people, but one team.”

 

“We will always be a team.”

 

It's that understanding that sits between them that allows them both to relax on the ride home. His presence grounds her and he knows her better than most. She misses her mother and Jordan when she’s in training mode, but she misses Scott all the time when he’s not around.

 

That night when they make it back to her place she tries to waste more time. Watching another movie wrapped up in Scott’s arms. His mouth attempting to distract her, his hands roaming her skin. She melts into him and never wants to leave.

 

They keep going over the moves they went over earlier and Scott holds her a little too long. His hands brushing her sides, her neck, anywhere he can feel her skin against his and a heat warms her from the inside out.

 

She’s playing with fire when she spins out of his arms, walking toward her bedroom, peeling off her clothes with each step.

 

Tessa can hear him coming up behind her, his hands holding her against him. They stand there for a moment in the silence. Their breathing heavy, the sheen of sweat covering her skin. She feels his breath against her neck.

 

“I can’t believe you picked me.” he says, his head dipping into her neck, placing a kiss there. He turns her around quickly then and her naked upper half brushes against his still clothed one.

 

His eyes look glossed over, like he genuinely believes she would have picked anyone else. As if anyone could compare to him in her life.

 

She’s never been one to like seeing people in pain, but standing here seeing Scott look so vulnerable makes her love him even more.

 

Despite the fact that they’d danced around each other and hurt each other in the process many times before, it never changed how they felt about one another.

 

Shepulls him into a hug and he wraps his arms around her naked back, holding her tight.

 

“I love you Scott Moir.” She whispers in his ear.

 

The words leave her mouth and his grip on her tightens. She can feel his heart racing and she feels like hers has stopped.

 

“I’m in love with you, I have always been in love with you, and I will always be in love with you. I need you to understand that I’m in this.”

 

He doesn’t say anything, but can she can feel his hands loosen their grip on her, beginning to rub small circles across her back before burying his face into her chest.

 

Her hands find their way into his hair and she runs her fingers through it slowly, while his lips dance along the edge of her breasts.

 

When he finally pulls away and holds her face in his hands she feels like crying from happiness. “There’s the man I love.” She smiles.

 

He doesn’t move, but his face still looks so serious. “I’m sorry for pushing you, and making you feel guilty for asking me to wait. That wasn’t fair to you.”

 

“I’m glad you did,” she admits to him, “Or we may not be where we are right now.”

 

“I’m happy with you T. You’ve always made me so damn happy.”

 

Some women might say that a being towered over by a man is the sexiest thing on the planet, but Tessa has always loved the way Scott’s mouth is always right within reach. It sends a surge of heat through her body as he continues to invade her space, his mouth hovering over hers.

 

He leans in close until their lips are brushing against one another. It’s a game they used to play on the ice. Tease, touch, and repeat. He was trying to tease her, but she didn’t want to play tonight.

 

“Scott,” she whispers his name against his lips, and she can feel him shiver.

 

“You’re going to take me to bed now. No games, I don’t have the patience to wait tonight.”

 

His lips touch hers and she feels like a live wire. She jumps knowing he’d catch her, his hands holding her to him, slipping under her ass. As she slips her arms around his shoulders.

 

She opens her mouth to him and his tongue tangles with hers. It slow and sweet and she doesn’t want it to stop, but she feels her back touching her bed, before he sets her down and steps away from her stripping off his shirt.

 

She wiggles out of her pants and he drops his as well before climbing up her body. Leaving small kisses as he makes his way back to her face.

 

Tessa wasn’t kidding when she said she didn’t want to wait, gripping him tightly before leading him to her entrance.

 

“Jesus Tess.” He lets out in a gasp.

 

It’s everything she always imagined. It’s rough and sexy as he fucks her. But there’s a rawness between the two of them as their skin meets. She feels safe with Scott, she always has. His hands find their way to her hips and he reaches his release before her, deciding to finish her off with his fingers. Swallowing her screams with his mouth.

 

They lay like that after, his hands rubbing her skin. Constantly moving, touching. She finds herself snuggling into his arms until they both feel content.

 

“You’re so beautiful,” he says and his lips find her forehead in the dark.

 

She smiles, not finding the right words. The moment is already perfect, but she knows this one won’t last. His breathing becomes more heavy, evening out and she knows he’s fallen asleep. She’s fighting it off herself.

 

She needs him. More than she wants to admit. She doesn’t remember the moment her eyes close for the night. She just knows she wakes up with a different comforter in a bed all alone.

 

Tessa doesn’t question it this time. Just sort of accepts the fact that this is her life one way or the other. She can still have the best of both worlds as long as she’s with Scott in one of them.

 

Going through the motions she gets out of bed before jumping in the shower. Methodically washing her hair and scrubbing her body clean. It feels weird somehow. Like before having coffee with Scott’s wife she has to wash the evidence that they were together the night before off her.

 

 _The Scott that’s with her isn’t the same Scott that ended up with Emily_ she tells herself as the hot water surrounds her body. She towels off, before brushing her teeth and putting on some makeup. She can’t hide the blue circles under her eyes, but she’s sure Emily’s probably match hers.

 

When she pulls up to the Starbucks, her nerves almost get the better of her. She sees Emily already sitting inside and it feels wrong. Scott’s wife is alone and she still gets to see him. It seems twisted somehow.

 

Tessa always had the feeling Emily never really liked her. Not that she hated her, but that she tolerated her presence in Scott’s life. Not that she blamed her. When they were on the ice it was always the two of them. They had so many years together. Inside jokes, special glances, speaking without words. She couldn’t imagine having to live around that.

 

Emily sees her before she can back out though, giving her a small wave.

 

“It’s good to see you Tessa.”

 

“You too Em.”

 

As they stand in line to get coffee, they find a comfortable silence between them. The sit in a fairly secluded booth before Emily asks her.

 

“How are you holding up?”

 

“Me," she says, “What about you?”

 

“I don’t think it’s fully set in yet. All of his things are still in the closet. His shoes are by the front door, his face looks out at me from all the pictures in the living room.” She gets more quiet as she talks and Tessa’s heart breaks for her.

 

“Emily, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Do you ever go back and watch any of your old programs together?” The question throws her off guard and she’s almost embarrassed to answer.

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“Because it makes you feel close to him, like he’s still here.”

 

Tessa finds herself nodding without really understanding why.

 

“I don’t want to touch his things yet and I know that sounds crazy. It just that, there are days where I just think, maybe he’ll walk through the door after a long weekend away or a late night at the rink. I don’t want him to be gone yet.”

 

It breaks her heart at the jealously she feels for a this woman who had Scott in ways she never let herself have him. He would have given up the world for her. She never really had a reason to hate Emily, Tessa just disliked her because she’d taken Scott from her.

 

No, she didn’t take him away. Tessa pushed him. That night when he told her to ask him to call off the wedding. To tell him she loved him and she couldn’t do it. She would regret that for the rest of this life, even while she got to have him in the other.

 

Sitting in that coffee shop together, talking about the man they both loved. Tessa realized they might just be two of the loneliest people in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I mentioned there being a change of plot from the show I meant that in some ways the realties are up to the interpretation of the reader. I want you question where the reality started, and where did it split. The accident is the obvious answer, or maybe when she told Scott no before their last go at the Olympics?
> 
> That's up to you for now, before I force my hand in the narrative. There's a lot happening and I appreciate all the questions and kind words. I hope it means my story is striking a chord somewhere.
> 
> Thank you for all the love!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few more things are explained, that may give rise to a few new questions. I've got this blocked into a few more chapters. Sorry it's taken this long to update, but life has this way of taking over sometimes. Hope you all enjoy!

 

Leaving the coffee shop an hour later Tessa parts ways from Emily with an awkward hug and a promise not to be a stranger. She feels better about this whole situation. Not that she’s living two lives, but that Scott is still present in both of them. Emily hasn’t forgotten him and in her other life she is still with him constantly. She would never leave that life if she had a choice, but right now she doesn't.

She’s embarrassed that she hasn’t visited his parents since everything has happened. Promising herself silently that she’ll see them sometime soon too. It feels wrong to not be in their lives either and she going to try and make the best of the messy situation around her.

Tessa knows its still too early to sleep, and she can’t find anything better to do with her time than go grocery shopping. Walking leisurely through the aisles. Grabbing a carton of eggs and some toast. A bottle of wine. She barely noticed grabbing the yogurt and some beer, as if it’s second nature. Those are the things she puts in her fridge when she arrives home, it brings a sense of normalcy.

She sits in her living room that night eating poached eggs and toast trying to focus on the television in front of her. Instead she finds herself clicking through the channels quickly before stopping on an old Audrey Hepburn film. Something Scott would have hated, but watched with her anyway because that’s just the kind of guy he was.

It’s in this dim living room without Scott here in any way besides a few pictures on the wall that she lets herself think about it. She pulls her phone out of her pocket before scrolling through her camera roll. She finds the picture and memorizes it like she’s done a thousand times before. Scott is leaning in, her eyes are closed and his lips are on her cheek. They were all really drunk that night. The pictures on her phone are a chronological timeline of drunkeness, but this picture. It was one she cherished because it was before everything happened.

Before he told her loved her and she couldn’t say it back. When she screamed at him that what he did to them wasn’t fair to her. That if he loved her as much as he claimed he did he would call of the wedding all on his own. Before he actually married Emily. She really did try to bleep that night out. It almost didn’t seem real now that she tried to recall it. They didn’t yell at each other not like that. At least not in the last few years.

_One strike in the this world is fake column_ she decided. That’s what she had resorted to, making a real and not real list of the things around her.

She shot off a quick message to Jordan telling her they needed to talk soon. She needed to hear her sisters voice. Wanted to pick her brain for answers. She also knew Jordan in any world would try to talk some sense into her, which she needed to.

Tessa fell asleep before she got to see how the movie ends, not knowing what happened to Audrey Hepburn.

 

…….

 

Her heart gets stuck in her throat as she wakes up to an empty bed, but it doesn’t last more than a minute. Tessa hears some clanging in the kitchen and gets up quickly, stepping towards the sounds.

Scott is standing there shirtless, cooking breakfast.

“If you told me a year ago this is what I wake up to I wouldn’t believe you.” She leaned against the doorframe smiling.

He looks over his shoulder for just a minute admiring her with his trademark smile, the same one she’s been in love with for years. She decides he looks different this morning. Happier maybe.

“If you give me a minute, I’m almost done.”

She takes a seat at the island her feet swinging from the tall chair impatiently. The sun is just starting to rise and she knows they have to get to practice soon, but she has to stop herself from thinking about what her and Scott could do with the rest of their morning while his shirt is off and he’s making her breakfast.

His eyes meet hers as he places a plate in front of her, before setting his next to hers and it’s like every awful scene in a romantic comedy where the main couple is so sappily in love.

“Poached, just the way you like them.” He says.

This can’t be real. Tessa Virtue doesn’t get happy endings, especially ones where Scott makes her breakfast.

“Earth to Tess.” Scott says her name, while waving his fork in front of her face to get her attention.

“Just thinking this is too perfect is all.”

“We’re taking what we deserve from the universe.” Scott says with a mouthful of food.

“Took us long enough.”

He doesn’t say anything back to that, only nodding as he continues eating his food. She does the same, practically swallowing it all whole. They both wander around the kitchen cleaning up their dishes before they make their way back to her room.

“You want to shower?” Scott asks her in such a flippant tone she doesn’t know how to respond.

“Shower?”

“You. Me. Shower. Saving water and time this morning. They’ll be expecting us at the rink soon.”

“Scott, I don’t think us showering together is going to speed anything up,” she can feel the blush creeping up her cheeks. “I mean… we can try obviously, but-.”

“Tessa,” Scott cuts her off, by pulling her towards him and suddenly his breath is against her ear. Causing her to shiver as he speaks. “I can be very quick and very thorough when I need to be.”

He gives her a squeeze and before they both know it their both naked in the shower and Scott is doing things with his mouth that she only ever dreamed about. She’s right about it not being faster though, and they still take longer than they should, but when they show up to the rink late, Marie and Patch don’t say a word. Just give them a look that says, _Get to work._ So they do.

It starts with twizzles. Over and over again until Tessa swears the entire world is spinning.

Then, Scott says he wants to work on one of their complicated lifts a little bit more, but she’s pretty sure he just wants to be touching her, not that she’s complaining.

After all of that, Patch does end pulling them aside for their breathing exercises. Which is Tessa’s favorite thing, even if she doesn’t always like to admit it. They stand together, breathing deep and even and she can feel when they fall in sync. She looks up into his eyes and she adds a strike to the real column this time. _Nothing in the world could fake the way Scott has always looked at her_. She can remember that look for the rest of her life if she had too.

He smiles then and squeezes her, making her feel complete. She thinks that he’s about to say something, but before she can ask, they are interrupted by somebody clearing their throat.

“Looks like that’s still in peak form.” Patch murmurs grinning at the both of them, as they step away from each other abruptly, trying to put some space between the tension in they all feel in the air around them.

The rest of their day is a lot of the same. Tessa tries to let herself feel just how much she missed skating with him all the time. Things had been that way for over two decades and when it stopped, she hated admitting how much she missed it, and him. In that other life, that was the worst part. Having him, coaching with him, but not having him, not really.

“Tess, you ready to go?” His voice interrupts her train of thought. Maybe she imagining it, but it sounds more gentle than normal. It’s the same voice that comforted her when she used to fall, when she’d hurt her legs… When they lost at Sochi. His voice had a way of getting under her skin for all the right reasons.

Even when they fought, which didn’t happen often, when they would argue about a new skating routine, or whether the stress of their personal and professional lives were becoming too much, Scott’s voice grounds her. And though she hates to admit it, in that other life, it’s the voice she’s missed so much it made her feel desperate.

“Yeah, lets get out of here.” She says back to him. Grabbing his hand and pulling him along. He looks around to see if anyone sees them, but she only rolls her eyes. People have been speculating about the two of them for years. They hold hands all the time, most of the people in the rink would think nothing of it.

Tessa can’t help how quiet she gets on the ride back to her place. She doesn’t mean to sour the good mood that’s been going on all day, but she feels like a cloud is looming over her head. She can’t help the sense of dread if this isn’t real, or the guilt of her still getting to have Scott when Emily doesn’t. She knows she shouldn't go there, and that's a slippery path, but Emily has never been unkind to her and this seems wrong, no matter how right it feels.

It’s worse because Tessa has always been a decent liar. It’s needed in their line of work. To sell a story to the world on the ice, to the press, or whomever. Tessa can hide the truth from so many people, but not Scott. He’s always had the ability to see right through her, even when she refuses to admit it to herself.

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet.” He murmurs, taking one hand off the wheel and placing it on top of hers.

She takes it off, putting it back on the wheel, a weird sense of deja vu coming over her.

“I think we need to go back to therapy.” She whispers, quickly, failing to ease into this conversation gently. She was trying to ease into it, but failed spectacularly.

“What?” He asks.

“It's not anything between us, I don’t think we’re having issues or anything, I just.. I-.”

“Tessa breathe.” He smiles taking a quick glance at her from his periphery. “We already see a therapist, you know that, but if you want me to schedule an appointment soon, I can.”

"Okay." She takes a deep breath,

It shouldn’t scare her, but it does just a little. That he’s so willing to do what she wants no questions asked. That he feels the same way she does and their finally on the same page. Giving up her best friend and getting a partner for life instead. Both personally and professionally.

“If you don’t mind me asking why?”

“You remember the nightmares I’ve been having lately?”

He nods and she can see the way his jaw clenches for a moment. “You’ve been tossing and turning in your sleep.”

“It isn’t just nightmares Scott. Just one, always the same one and I really need to talk to someone about it other than just you. You can go with me obviously, but I need to know that I’m not going crazy here.”

“I see.” He hums, not saying anything else.

“It’s not immediate, but if she can squeeze us in the next few weeks, that would be ideal.”

“I’ll make it happen T.”

She smiles as he takes a deep breath, his shoulders going slack and she can see the tension leaving his body. It makes her feel lighter too.

Things go on about the same way after that and Tessa does her best to get a handle on things every time she wakes up. She skates with Scott and then wakes up alone, finding herself visiting with a grieving Alma and Joe for dinner with the family one night. She grabs more coffee with Emily, helping her pack up some of Scott’s things, and the next day she’s trying a new lift preparing for the olympics.

She doesn’t try to fight what’s going on around her anymore. Of course she would prefer to stay with Scott all the time, but life has a way of not letting you have everything that you want. A lot like today with Scott dragging her to an elementary school way too early in the morning. Scott knows she hates waking up this early and even him bringing her a coffee didn’t completely make up for it. 

“So, how did you end up hearing about this elementary school?” Tessa asks him confused.

“My aunt knew the principal and then asked if I would be willing to stop by and meet with some of the younger classes. Tell them all about our road to the olympics.”

“Oh, God. This is going to be too much Scott, I’m not even awake yet! But you know how much I love kids. How their cuteness affects me.”

“Focus Tessa, eyes on the prize.”

“But they always tell me how they want to be an olympian, and ask if I think they can be one too.”

He smiles warmly and she rolls her eyes trying to focus at the task at hand. Giving a tiny speech. Answering their questions and taking some pictures.

As they enter the school they're greeted by the principal before she leads them towards a classroom full of second graders.

“I’m nervous.” She whispers before Scott takes her hand in his.

“You’ll be fine.”

They knock on the door and it swings open reveal at least twenty kids, along with their teacher.

Tessa can’t help being frozen in place, and her stomach drops, but the woman doesn’t hesitate.

“Hi, it’s so nice to meet you.” She says holding out her hand to shake theirs.

 

“I’m Miss Michaels, but you can call me Emily.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who has been waiting for an update and sticking with this story... I AM SO SORRY. Real life has completely taken over and left me little to no time to write. The next update should be less of a wait then this one, and this chapter is a tad bit longer than the previous which I hope makes up for it. Don't hate me when you get to then end of this chapter though. I promise it always gets worse before it gets better.

 

“I’m Miss Michaels, but you can call me Emily.”

Tessa thinks she might actually be about to vomit, taking Emily’s hand and shaking it quickly, looking anywhere else but her face.

_Stupid, how could she be so stupid?_  Emily was a teacher, but the school’s name was different… Unless. She wanted to smack her hand against her forehead, forgetting that Emily had recently moved just before she met Scott. Just before they met actually. What on Earth had she done to deserve this though?

_Slept with her husband._

Well, not technically. Scott hadn’t met this Emily yet. Oh God, Scott. She eyes him shaking her hand gracefully and doesn’t miss the way Emily blushes at the contact. This is bad, this is so very bad.

They make their way to the front of the class and Scott quiets everyone down before starting to speak. She only jumps in periodically, her nerves frayed by everything unfolding in front of her. In fact, if she’s honest, she would like nothing more than to run from this school and pretend like this small meeting never happened. She can’t though, as they agreed to stay for cookies and juice, at least Scott did, and he drove them both.

If Scott thinks something is amiss he doesn’t tell her. Going around the classroom taking pictures with a bunch of the kids, hugging them, and laughing. Her heartbeat picks up just watching him. She knows he wants kids, a whole housefull, but seeing him with all of them, she knows how good of a dad he would be. _Someday_.

“He pretty easy on the eyes eh?” Emily steps beside her out of no where making her jump.

“I mean yeah, he’s always been…” she moves her hands gesturing to Scott without really saying anything.

“You two are great you know. Peyonchang was a Cinderella story for you both and I know everyone thought you were done, but not me. I knew you had one more olympics in you.”

Tessa’s taken aback by her comment. It isn’t often that people talk about the incredible success they’ve had as ice dancers rather than their personal lives. Especially when a majority of their lives has been in the spotlight, and that the comment is coming from Scott’s wife but not wife.

“Thank you, truly. We appreciate all the support Canadians give us out there on the ice.”

“You two are something special, that’s for sure.”

She gives her a small nod as Scott walks over to them, bringing a whole different tension that Tessa’s sure she’s just created in her head.

“So, Emilyyyyyyyy,” Scott draws out her name, raising his eyebrows at Tessa and she just knows he’s going to ask her later if this is the Emily from her nightmares and he has no idea how spot on the question will be. “You been teaching here long?”

“Two years.”

“Still a newbie then!” He says clapping her on the shoulder.

Tessa can’t help the way she winces at the sight. She’s feels jealous, but at the same time not. She knows things are different between them in this life. He’s matured and so has she. By choosing a slightly different path they’d come together in a way she hadn’t expected was possible.

“Yeah, although some days it feels like I’ve been here for a decade.”

The conversation slows down after that, enough so that Tessa stops paying attention. Looking at all the adorable faces inhaling the chocolate chip cookies around the room. These are the moments she doesn’t mind slowing down for. These kids getting to see people they look up to, up close and in person.

Scott tugs her hand, pulling her back into the fold before they politely say their goodbyes and leave. Emily snagging a quick picture with them both before they sneak out of the classroom and back to Scott’s vehicle.

Without fail the first thing Scott ask when they get in and shut the doors is, “So, she look exactly the same in the dream?”

She punches in the shoulder jokingly and rolls her eyes not giving him an inch. “Not even a little bit.”

 

                                                                                                ————

 

The thing about dancing with Scott is, she likes having a partner that constantly has her back on the ice in the same way she has his. When he falls, she helps him up and they continue as if nothing happened. Her whispering in his ear to breathe and they continue through the program. When she falls its much of the same, sometimes he catches her before she truly falls and others she merely stands back up. He keeps encouraging her. His eyes telling her that they can do anything, overcome anything and he’s right. 

Tessa remembers the weight of their final gold medal hanging from around her neck. Scott may have had Emily, but they had shared that together. She remembered wondering if it had been worth it. Worth losing Scott to being at the top of the podium one last time, hearing their national anthem so loud it brought tears to her eyes. They were number one and she still can’t help but feel that none of it was worth it when she lost Scott. That she had thrown away so many possibilities because she was scared of them repeating past mistakes. The taste of betrayal when he proposed. She had made a list after they won that last olympics and calling it What If. The number one spot would always be filled with, What If I hadn’t asked him to wait. She thought about how they met halfway this time, together, but not together, and she hoped it was enough for now.

 

                                                                                               ————

 

When Emily asks her to visit Scott’s grave, she does so without question. She’s broken so many promises to herself what’s one more of going back to a place she can’t bear to.

They bring some bright flowers and both sit in the grass, trying to hold it together and Tessa can’t help but break the silence.

“He would think this was rather pathetic.”

“Oh, no doubt.” Emily laughs.

It isn’t funny, none of this is funny, but in some ways it is.

“He would say we were being dramatic, and that coming to a dead man’s grave is pretty much a useless waste of time.”

“He would also be mad about the amount of money I spent on this headstone.”

“Give the extra money to the rink.” They both say it at the same time.

“He was a good man.“ Emily whispers.

“The best.” Tessa whispers back. She can’t explain the goosebumps that appear on her arms right then. As if she can feel someone watching her.

If Emily notices she doesn’t say anything, but Tessa can’t shake the feeling that they are not alone.

So, they sit there for a while, no sounds passing between them, but the wind blowing through the trees.

 

_Please come back._

 

“Did you say something?” Tessa asks her.

“No, why?”

“I’m just getting a really creeped out vibe right now.” She tries to come across as if she’s calm, but she can feel her heartbeat picking up. This place is giving her the fucking creeps today.

“Well, it is a cemetery Tess.”

It wouldn’t matter how many years pass, her nickname would never sound completely right coming from Emily.

“Yeah, I guess that’s true, but would it be okay if we got out of here. Honestly, something just doesn’t feel right.”

“Sure, yeah. We can go.”

Things don’t feel any better in the car ride back. Not when Emily tries to turn on the radio to lighten the mood. Not when she stops through the drivethrough of Starbucks and picks up Tessa her favorite cup of coffee, and certainly not when she drops her off in front of her empty house.

She falls asleep with this strange sense that someone is still watching her and all she wants is to wake up in Scott’s arms so he can chase the awful feelings away.

 

                                                                                              -———

 

When she’s woken up by Scott’s arms surrounding her she feels an instant sense of peace.

“Morning Tess.”

“Morning Scotty.”

He mock breathes all over her face in response to her using his kid nickname. He doesn’t hate it per say, it’s just he rarely lets anyone get away with saying it, but her.

Scott stays beneath the covers and remains there until Tessa glances over at him.

“We’re going to see our therapist today.” He murmurs, eyeing her warily.

“We’re going to see our therapist today.” She parrots back, unable to look him right in the eyes, knowing he’s uncertain about what she might say in their session.

“I need a shower,” she says quickly, jumping up out of bed before he can follow her. Tessa lets the hot water surround her body and feels the tension ease out of her body. This will be good for them, maybe by talking more about her other life she can control it enough that she never has to go back. Maybe she can prove it’s just the nightmare she thinks it is.

About an hour later, they find themselves sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Barton’s office, Scott rubbing soothing circles across her hand absentmindedly, when she feels this panic begin to resurface.

“You know, you don’t have to come to the session if you don’t want to. You aren’t the one who keeps having the nightmares, you don’t have to sit through two hours of this with me.”

She thinks he might have been ignoring her had it not been for the way his hand stilled against hers. Leaning back onto the waiting room chair beside her, he turns and faces her with a look of absolute determination. “Your problems are my problems Tess. And if you’re having any kind of problems I want to be here for you to help.”

She knows her eyes go wide and her face begins to flush when he talks like that. She merely nods, returning to looking anywhere around her except his face. He lets go of her hand, picking up a magazine and flipping through it. She can feel him watching her from his peripheral vision, but she doesn’t comment on it. He’s worried about her and rightly so. Frankly, she’s pretty worried about herself these days.

When their called into her office Tessa can’t help but not remember the place looking like this.

“I got it repainted.” Dr. Barton comments, already knowing where Tessa’s mind had drifted off too.

“It looks... nice.” It really doesn't, the once calming blue has been painted a beige color that makes the whole place feel suffocating and Tessa doesn't like it one bit.

They both sit down on the couch, if you could really call it a couch, across from her and Scott slings his arm over her shoulder. Giving her a small squeeze and she finds herself relaxing into his side.

“So, I’ve been told that you’re having nightmares, or should I say a continuous nightmare, for a few weeks now.” She doesn’t ask it like a question, but it’s implied that she’s asking Tessa something.

“It just feels so real, and every time I wake up, I feel this panic in my chest, before I feel Scott beside me and then I know I’m okay.”

“Care to tell me about it?”

“The nightmare.”

“Anything you might remember Tessa.”

She feels Scott very present beside her and her heart clenches at what this new information might do to him. She’s told him pieces of what she thinks is a dream, but just the broad picture, nothing more. Now she knows she doesn’t have a choice.

“Sometimes when I go to sleep, I dream that I wake up in a place where Scott ended up marrying someone else, and then we were in a car accident and he died.”

“That sounds rather unpleasant.” Dr. Barton murmurs before scratching some words down in her notepad. Tessa hates when she does that, feeling like she remembers just how much it irritates her.

“It is a living nightmare. Scott being married to someone else is tolerable. Him dying is unimaginable.”

“And yet you do it quite often.” She murmurs again, scribbling down more words.

“I guess so.” Tessa says, trying to keep her growing irritation in check.

“Tell me, besides Scott being married to a woman who is not you, and then him dying what about that space feels so different to you.”

“Well, I… I can’t completely explain it, but we’ve already been to the olympics again, and won. And then we became a coaching pair, had been for around a year. We were far ahead of where we are now, time wise.”

“Maybe you’re projecting your fear of your future if you don’t win these olympics.”

She feels Scott stiffen beside her, but she squeezes his knee showing him that it’s okay.

“We’re going to win another gold at these Winter Olympic Games Dr. Barton, and were going to do it together.”

“But you are in fact not together, as far as the public is concerned.”

“We believe that our personal business doesn’t belong to anyone but us.”

“And does Scott agree with that sentiment?”

When he doesn’t answer Tessa looks over at him, trying to get him to speak for himself, but his mouth remains closed in an even line.

“Scott?” Tessa asks him quietly.

He finds his words then, but doesn’t look at Tessa while he says them. “We had agreed after our last cycle to give this thing between us a shot. We love each other, and care very deeply for one another, but then Tessa wanted one more cycle. I agreed that I thought we could do it, but she wanted it under the condition that we keep everything platonic until after the 4th cycle. Which is something I never wanted. After a bit of arguing we agreed that we can be what we need for each other personally, but as far as the public is concerned nothing has changed.”

He sounds so robotic as he says it, that Tessa feels for just a moment that she’s sitting next to a stranger. When Dr. Barton eyes them both up and down she finds that it unnerves her the way this woman is getting under her skin.

“Is that what you want Scott, to have a relationship with Tessa in private and a professional one for the public.”

“I want whatever relationship Tessa is willing to give me.”

The silences that echoes throughout the room after his words is deafening. He doesn’t want them to be a secret anymore, he’s just going through the motions to make her happy. Tessa is still managing to hurt him in whatever reality she’s in. She thought it things were okay between them.

“I think that’s something you need to process as well Scott, because doing something for someone else’s happiness and not your own can be a destructive path later on, when you constantly budge, rather than communicating what you want.”

At this point Tessa feels sick to her stomach with guilt. This session doing nothing other than proving what she already knows. She’s messed things up with Scott so many times that she doesn’t deserve him. That he consistently tries putting what she wants first to make her happy.

The rest of the session is mind numbing to the point Tessa feels like she’s repeating herself over and over again.

“ _I want Scott, I don’t want the public pressure of being with Scott to overshadow everything we’ve accomplished_.”

 

                                                                                            ————

 

As they walk down the street hand in hand after the session she feels a heaviness in her chest that she can’t just leave there.

“I need to say something, but I need you to not lie to me to make me happy, because I already feel awful.” She opens her mouth, then shuts it, pulling her hand out from his and crossing her arms in front of her chest, turning towards him slightly. “Are you really unhappy with our...arrangement?”

“I —” He shakes his head, not liking whatever answer he’d come up with before clearing his throat. “Would… would it make it any worse if I told you I was?”

“Of course it would make it worse!” The blank expression on his face makes her wonder if he heard her. She reaches out for his arm, wrapping her hand around his wrist.

“We’ve never really been on the same page about this Tessa. I’m not afraid of what people will say about us, or how they judge our dancing, or if they think we’ve been fucking since Sochi. None of that has ever mattered to me.”

“But it matters to me.”

“Which is why I told you as long as you were willing to try this on a private level, that I would be okay with that until the next cycle was finished.”

Tessa holds up her hand, cutting him off. “So, you’re not happy with this arrangement, but you’re pretending you are because it’s what I want? Not because it’s what you want.”

Scott blinks, shaking his head, “Of course I’d rather we be able to date in public, we never get to leave your house or mine, but for now this is what this is.” And he realizes too late that what he’s telling her is not the right answer.

“What if I told you there was no guarantee that after the olympics we would be together.”

“Tessa stop being dramatic. The olympics are just a few months away. We can make it that long can’t we.”

“Stop… whatever this is,” she points between them attempting to end this entire conversation. “This is what always happens when we don’t communicate properly. When you don’t tell me what you want and just give me what I want because you think it will make me happy.”

“Tessa.”

“Tell me what you want Scott.”

“Tess.” He tries to reason with her.

“Don’t " _Tess"_ me, tell me what you want.”

“I want us to be able to go out on dates, and hold hands without you constantly having to tell people it's just a habit, and to kiss you without you constantly looking over my shoulder worried that someone will see. I don’t just wanted hushed words in the dark and movie nights where we stay in… I want the whole world to know how much I love you.”

“And this is exactly why I thought we should wait until after the olympics Scott, because I can’t give you that right now.”

Her words seems to set off something inside him and she sees a fire in his eyes that wasn’t there moments before.

“You know Tess, I thought I could do this, but I can't, not like this. I want it all or none. The good and the bad, which means telling the truth about what we are to each other the next time someone asks.”

“No.” She says quietly, resolutely.

“Then what we’ve been doing is finished.” He says with the same kind of strength.

“You’re leaving me?” She asks.

“I’m telling you that when you figure out what you’re willing to share with the world while we slide between interview after interview during our upcoming competitions, then get back to me. Until then, we skate together, we go to therapy together, and we focus on winning gold together. Nothing else.”

"I thought you we're okay with this."

"I thought I was too, obviously I am not."

They both stand there for a moment, not talking, before Tessa feels a need to break the silence stretching between them.

“If that’s what you want.” Tessa whispers.

“You know it isn’t, but you know what I want and can’t give me that right now.”

She nods and they start walking in the same direction they were headed, she wonders if he still plans on staying the night. Things had been so good when she’d woken up in his arms, but now, she honestly doesn't know.

It was no more than a few minutes when she got her answer, him stepping up to her door before pulling her into a hug.

“I think it might be better if I stay at my place tonight.”

“Okay.” She doesn’t even think about fighting him.

A small part of her wants to yell out to him to come back as he gets farther and farther from her view, but it doesn’t win out. She opens the door and her house looks as empty as she feels. How did she manage to fuck this up too? And why standing in her front hallway does the emptiness around her feel so wrong?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have an insanely long car ride to thank for this slightly longer chapter posted slightly earlier than usual. Things happen, the story continues, enjoy!

"No offense, but you look like shit."

"Would you believe I feel like it too?" Tessa rolls her eyes at Emily, refusing to pull her body up off the couch.

"Are you sick? I can go get you some soup or something?" She asks.

Tessa laughs at her concern, thinking how absurd her life has become. Emily and her were never this close before. Barely exchanging more than pleasantries before Scott's death. Now she's offering to buy her soup.

"No, I just had a rough night and it caught up with me."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I would literally rather do anything else."

Emily thinks that it's just her being sick that has her looking like death. That she's young and will bounce back in a day or two. That they can just hang out and watch some movies if Tessa doesn't want to go out for their now regular jog and coffee.

Tessa doesn't have the heart to tell her that she doesn't want any company right now. That she's managed to lose Scott in not one life, but two. She thinks about their fight. She thinks about the way they fought at his Bachelor party. She finds herself thinking about that incident more than she cares to admit. His words echo in her mind.

_I know what I deserve Tessa, and that's someone who chooses me first every single time. The way I wanted to choose you, but you wouldn't let me._

That was always the problem with Scott. He was an all in or all out kind of guy. For a long time she thought he was right, that she should have just let them be out in the open. Things surely would have been easier that way. At least they could have been together, but over time her view on the matter became one of complacency.

They were both right and they were both wrong. He couldn't force her hand in the same way she shouldn't have tried to force his. They wanted the same thing, but on different terms. Scott wanted something immediate and she wanted the olympics and then them being together after. She'd broken her promise by needing to keep them a secret for a few more years, and he'd gone and done they same by not waiting.

"Are we thinking comedy, action, romance?" Emily's voice interrupts her thoughts.

"Anything but romance." She couldn't stomach the thought of watching two people fall in love right in front of her face, no matter how fictionalized it might be.

Emily popped in Bridesmaids before settling in on the other couch. Eyes focused on the film in front of her. Tessa, not so much.

She let her mind wander. To all the times she thought her and Scott had a chance of making things work. They were too young to understand relationships when they first started skating together. Yes, they "dated" for like a week before deciding to keep everything in the friendship zone, but after Sochi, it was like a switch had been flipped.

They were angry, and sad, and about a million other things when Scott pulled her into him one night as they were leaving the rink. She rode him in the backseat of his car and it was like pouring every bad thing that had happened in the last year out of her system and into someone else that knew exactly what she felt like.

They didn't discuss it after it happened the first time. Both too embarrassed at their lack of good judgement and the fact that Scott was in and out of a relationship at the time. She'd felt awful, but no. They didn't talk about it after the first time.

Tessa wishes that things had been different back then, but they were just two angry people letting out their frustrations on each other. And it kept happening. In his bed, than hers, one time late at night at the rink, his parents house, her car. She was so drawn to him, the idea of stopping whatever was happening seemed impossible.

That was the first time Tessa admitted to herself that she wanted him. Not out loud, but she knew, deep down that she did. She wanted him with her, against her, under her, and that scared her, so she was the one that started the conversation first.

It didn't matter that Scott understood the underlying issues of what they were doing, or that the consequences of it could ruin their skating partnership. The second she suggested they stop, he'd closed himself off. Finding a steady girlfriend less than a week later. Tessa had known then that she'd done the right thing. Scott and her were more alike than people thought. When one of them didn't like an outcome, they went and did something to overcompensate. She couldn't stop noticing though, that Scott's face never wavered from hers in their practices after that. The tension between them always present. The will we, won't we, address the elephant in the room.

Eventually, they did. That's why when they decided to go for a 4th cycle they came up with the two year agreement, deciding that whatever happened they would be together after it was all over. Well, Tessa had decided because Scott clearly wasn't happy with the arrangement and found someone else.

That's the one place where Tessa was willing to take the blame. As he was half-right. He wanted more than she could give him. One morning over coffee he said he loved her and she said _me too_. That was it. Except, Scott kept saying it and she didn't. Not because she didn't feel the same, but because she was afraid to give Scott all of her if he was just going to run anytime they fought. And because he always wanted more.

It's not just the sex they had, he'd loved that, but he wanted every part of her, drinking up any bit of information she was willing to give. Her favorite drink, her favorite movie, what song did she love to listen to when she was sad. Scott gave everything away with little hesitation and she loved that about him, but she just wasn't the same.

And that had been the beginning and the end to everything.

  
"Earrrrrrrrth to Tessssssss."

Emily, she figured out pretty quickly, is a rather impatient person. She learned this by her constant hand waving in front of her face, not so subtle coughs, and the stern looks she would give when she knew you weren't listening to her. It's actually quite funny, but right now Tessa honestly has no idea what she just said.

She figured she should sound a bit guilty for not listening, but knows if she says sorry out loud right now it won't sound sincere.

Tessa wasn't about to admit it to anyone any time soon, but hanging out with Emily was slowly becoming one of the best parts of this life. Obviously, she would want Scott back more than anything in the world, but sometimes it was a nice the way their friendship had grown. It never would have when they were both constantly vying for Scott's time.

It was nice that there was someone for once who wasn't family to talk to. To just forget about skating for an hour or two and talk to someone who did not care that you were an Olympic champion a few times over. It was easier than dragging herself to a rink where Scott was gone, forget that the duos they were coaching were landing new moves that Scott would never get to see, and that he would never get to see his nieces and nephews get old.

Her friendship with Emily was easy, because they had almost nothing in common, but still managed to talk about things. Helping each other try to move on with their lives. Well, Emily was moving on maybe, Tessa still clung to Scott in her other life. They talk about everything now and maybe that's why Tessa feels so guilty that at least she gets to still see Scott, while Emily has nothing but a few pictures and an empty house full of Scott's things.

It's as their cleaning up their dinner, Emily eventually did run and get her soup, that Emily hesitates getting up to leave.

"Tessa, I know you've already told me that you didn't want anything of his from the house."

"I don't." Tessa lies evenly. Of course she did, but she worried if she started to pick things out she wouldn't stop.

"I know, but when I found this I thought it wouldn't be appropriate for it to go to anyone else."

Tessa drags a hand down her face, groaning. "Okay, alright." She's not sure what Emily wants her to say. Anything she gives her will probably only end up hurting more, but the look on Emily's face makes her keep her mouth shut.

Emily looks up at the light above them, looking more nervous than Tessa's ever seen her, before she pulls a long chain necklace from her pocket. On the end is one of Scott's crosses, but she does a double take and sees something else there too. Something that looks suspiciously like a wedding band.

She eyes Emily carefully for a moment before speaking. "I don't know what I'm supposed to make of this."

Silence fills the space between them before Emily answers her unasked question.

"He was going to ask you to marry him."

This was a continuing nightmare, but Tessa tries to backtrack. "He was in love with you, he married you." She responds lamely.

"He loved you too. Let's not pretend he didn't. I don't know when he bought the ring or if he ever planned on something after he'd met me, but I know this was for you."

Now Tessa is the one unable to meet her eyes trying not to cringe at the awkwardness of the situation.

_Here, have this wedding ring that my dead husband wanted to propose to you with._

There was absolutely no good way to go about it, but Emily grabs her hand gently, placing the necklace in her palm and closing her fingers around it.

"I know it's hard to think about him and that you'd rather just go on thinking he's still around, but we have to stop doing that. He's not coming back and I know you're trying to be strong in this. I see the way your eyes glaze over when someone says his name, tuning them out. It's okay to miss him. It's okay to admit that you loved him too."

  
Tessa tries not to sound guilty when she finally speaks up, finding her voice, "I've seen this before. Just once. I thought it was for me at first, after we agreed to be together, after the olympics were over. And then he told me he met you and liked you and was dating you and I realized he was falling in love with someone else. I never really got a good look at the ring and then I thought it was the one he gave you, but I must have been mistaken." She lets it all out in a huff, just trying to get the words out without throwing up.

Emily shakes her head, a sad look crossing her face, "Believe me Tessa, that ring does not belong to me, it was meant for you." She gives Tessa's arm a small tap before making her way towards the front door.

"Take care Tess, I'll see you later this week."

"You're too good of a person Emily." Her breath comes out weak and breathy. Trying to keep her heart rate under control. Scott got her a ring, he purchased a wedding ring, and he wanted to marry her... Before shit hit the fan.

Her hands are shaking as she takes a longer look at the ring itself. A simple, beautiful, princess cut diamond in the center. A silver band, and upon further inspection some writing inscribed on the inside.

_Tessa, It's well worth the wait._

She feels her eyes tearing up just looking at the words from long time running. Scott suggested the song, telling her it felt right for them. Looking at the ring that would have given her Scott in every way she ever wanted him, but Emily got him instead. She thinks she'll always be jealous of That. Tessa was the one who knew him better than anyone, who had been skating with him since they were in the single digits.

_It should have been me._

"Not that it matters now," She whispers to herself. We kept messing everything up.

She trudges herself back up to her bedroom foregoing a shower just to lie under the blankets in the dark, clutching the necklace to her chest.

"I wish you were here." She whispered into the darkness.

_I miss you T._ His voice whispers back, and she cries herself to sleep.

  
                     ---------------

Things change, but they don't. They're in full competition mode heading from one to the next, keeping on track toward the olympics. Their scores are practically perfect. Each movement is crisp and articulate, they haven't skated this well in years, but Tessa's not happy.

Between waking up and talking, but not talking about things that matter with Scott, and waking up somewhere else without him coaching individuals going after their own future ice dancing dreams she feels stretched thin. So, if Scott raises his eyebrow at her one more time, questioning her every move she's going to snap at him.

"I still don't think the lift works there." She says evenly, repeating herself for the thousandth time.

"It will."

It won't, but Scott will never admit it. They had trouble with this segment of their programs the last time around. He can't quite move her fast enough to get her around for them to move into their twizzles. It hasn't worked the last ten times they've tried it and it's not working now.

"Scott. It. Is. Not. Working."

"Well if we don't make it work we might as well get ready for Gabi and Guy to be one step higher on the podium at the olympics."

"Why are you being such an asshole?"

His jaw is set and he has this wild look in his eyes that she hasn't seen since their fight. She doesn't like it, when he acts out like this.

"If we're putting everything into this, then I don't want to lose. We've already lost a lot Tess."

She knows she's frowning, but she can't help herself. He's not entirely wrong, she's remembers what getting silver feels like, swallowing it and having to smile. It's awful, but this is different. Scott isn't just talking about losing the olympics. Whatever was happening between them was put on hold for this. Winning the Olympics. Second place wouldn't do. Instead of snapping at Scott she tries her best to come at this level headed.

"Then why don't we approach this in a different way."

"We can't take out the lift."

"We could, add another set of twizzles and do a simpler lift." It's what they had to do in her other life. It was close, but it still got them the gold.

"I want this lift."

"Scooooootttttt." She groans, running her hands down her face in frustration.

"C'mere." He says, reaching for her. His voice more gentle than before. His hands find their way to her waist before he lifts her above his head. Holding her there before spinning in a circle and bringing her down slowly. Her hands find their way into his hair, across his shoulders, down his chest, before she feels her skates touch the ice. Their faces are inches apart and she feels his heavy breaths touching her lips. His fingers dig into her waist before he speaks quietly. "We need to play up our strengths Tess."

She tucks her face into his neck, letting herself relish being close to him and he lets her. They haven't been this close in weeks. At least not when their not performing. Scott drew a line in the sand and he stayed behind it.

"We can do half a spin, but we'd need to substitute something else T. I can do whatever you need me too, but I need your eyes, your hands, your body, attuned to mine." He pulls her face back, keeping it between his two hands and she finds that meeting his eyes is difficult now that they're no longer as intimate as they'd been before. "Do you understand that?"

She nods her head in his hands before letting her hands roam his chest, over his shoulders, and up to his hands that are on each side of her face.

Leaning in, her hands covering his, she hovers her mouth over his lips. "I'll do whatever I need to, to win."

A grin covers his face and they stay that way until Tessa feels his hands slide out from under hers, his fingers moving over her shoulders and sliding down her back before pulling her closer against him.

"I'm sorry for being an asshole." He says, his eyes not leaving hers. "Truly, I am. I don't like it when we fight."

"Were both stressed out and all of this is a lot to take in."

"There's no excuse for it, I know I haven't exactly been kind to you since our blowout."

Tessa tenses in his arms and she knows he can feel it. She knows what Scott wants and she knows she can't give it to him. At least not yet. Both of them are in such an odd headspace and this would just make it worse.

"I know you're frustrated and I know I'm asking a lot of you, but I meant what I said about after. That we can be whatever you want us to be when all of this is over." She whispers quietly.

"And you know that we won't be any more than friends until then. I'm still standing firm on that."

So, they stand there wrapped up in each other, not willing to budge, but finding a treaty of sorts. Tessa finds it better then the alternative that they'd been having, but being in his arms like this makes her want more.

He pulls away from her gently, before turning and holding his hand out for her. She grabs it instantly, her steps across the ice syncing with his.

"Can we go grab some food? I'm fucking starving." Scott says looking down at her.

"As long as you promise to keep your hands off my fries." She smiles up at him. Tessa turns her head and sees a grin spreading across his face.

"No, promises."

By the time they find their way back to Tessa's, Scott's arm is slung over her shoulder. A more than platonic, less than romantic vibe hums between them. She invites him in, tempting fate and he follows without hesitation. She wonders which one of them might bend first.

Him on his friends only thing, or her on their official dating status going into the olympics. Tessa knows it'd be easier for her to get what she wants and then back out, but she wants Scott to decide. Doesn't want to trick him, but maybe tempt him a little. God, she misses sleeping with him cuddled up next to her every night.

"If you want to just pop in a DVD and relax, I want to go change into some more comfortable clothes."

"Okay," he whispers, "Any genre preferences?"

She feels a strange sense of deja vu when she says, "Anything but romance."

He raises an eyebrow, a slight smirk on his face, and she feels a blush creep up her cheeks. The room suddenly feels too warm as she retreats to her room to change.

Tessa knows better than most that Scott loves two things about her body. Her neck and her legs. And she intends to show both of them off. Padding back into her living room with nothing but sleep shorts and a light tank covering her body. Scott gives her one look before whispering, "Nice try Tess."

Not to be deterred She simply brushes off his comment, pretending like everything is normal between them. “We’re hanging out like friends do.”

“Really? No funny business Ms. Virtue?”

She shakes her head, smiling sweetly. “I’m okay with just getting to be near you right now after these last few weeks.” Inching closer to him on her couch.

"Me too Tess, this is enough for right now." His words sound honest, but she can seeing how much his body tenses up as she shortens the distance between them.

“Because you're so disciplined?" She asks before she chickens out. Scott has always been the flirty one, the one constantly pushing boundaries, but in this life, she feels more comfortable doing the same. "You think we can keep things strictly friendly between the two of us?”

Scott tilts his head to the side and looks at her through narrowed eyes, picking up on her uncouth attempt at flirting. “Yes, yes I think we can.”

“Should we put that to the test?” She swallows the giant lump in her throat, but looks him right in the eyes as she says it.

Scott's eyes watch her carefully. "What did you have in mind?” he asks raising an eyebrow.

“Close your eyes.”

“Tessa?” He groans, not in the mood to play games.

“Scott,” she says, trying to make her face look more calm than the rest of her feels. "Are you in this or not?"

When he does what she asks, closing his eyes she finds herself freaking out a bit. Sure, this is Scott and she loves him and wants him more than anything on Earth, but if this makes him angry rather than what she has planned, this could set back the communication they'd had earlier today.

She climbs onto his lap before she can talk herself out of it, straddling him, his hands coming up to her waist. He keeps his eyes closed, but a smile forms around his mouth.

"Tessssssa."

“Don’t open your eyes,” She says.

“I’m not sure what you think is about to happen here,” he says, "But I should warn you I can be pretty resistant to your charms.

She puts a finger to his lips, quickly silencing him, before drinking in the sight of him up close. His hair, and his eyes, then his lips. If they looked into each other's eyes right now, she's pretty sure they'd both fall apart.

She lets the silence sit between them before leaning in toward his ear.

“Whatever happens, you can't kiss me Scott." She knows he likes a challenge, but she also knows he doesn't like being told what to do.

He laughs, but she sees his Adam’s apple dip in his throat. She starts her focus on his eyebrows, running her fingers across them, feeling a deep crease between his brows. She leans in toward his face, her nose brushing along the skin under his ear all the way to the corner of his jaw.

She'd bet if she looked at his arms right now, he'd have goosebumps. His hands squeeze her hips pushing her onward and she moves forward pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

She misses the way Scott tastes. Slowly, she kisses him again in the same spot, teasing him, and his whole body goes stiff.

"Remember Scott," her words uneven and breathy, "You're resistant to my charms." Her lips find the other corner of his mouth, and the way his hands slide around her hips is making her dizzy.

If he thinks he can distract her with his hands he has another thing coming. Moving to take his lower lip between her teeth, giving it a small tug.

Tessa leans back to get a good look at him. He looks hungry, but not for any kind of food. Her face flushes at the thought. Besides his hands occasionally squeezing her, Scott's doing an excellent job exercising control. Tessa plans on changing that.

She wraps her hands around the back of his head and tilts his head up with her as she moves. Lowering her mouth to his, she sets a rhythm that does nothing but tease him. Breathe, nip at his lower lip, and right when he seems to move too, she pulls just out of reach.

He chuckles as her mouth presses against his, and it only makes her want to try harder, using her tongue to taunt him, teasing along the seam of his lips.

This feels like an inferno, and she begins to feel light headed. God, why can't he just give in. And just when she thinks he won't budge Tessa kisses him full on the mouth, missing the sensation of his lips beneath hers. The deep sigh just slips out, but that's enough for Scott.

He brings his hand up to the back of her neck, trapping her against his mouth and his other hand snakes around her back pulling her right against him.

His tongue is back in her mouth and he kisses her so deeply that she can't stop the whimper that makes its way into his mouth. Tessa's body is ready for what feels like has been forever and she would be embarrassed, but all she wants is him. He lays her down gently on the couch, before lowering himself on top of her. He kisses Tessa like that for a long time. His tongue dancing with hers and she forgets sometimes how much Scott likes to be in control.

Tessa tries to speed things up, running her fingers through his hair, before tugging at the ends, but he continues tortuously slow, not pushing for anything more.

She feels his weight on top of her, and his taste in her mouth, and knows that he’s ready, if his indent pressed into her stomach is any indication. As she starts to unbuckle his belt, he pulls her hands away, placing all his weight on one arm, using the other to pin hers above her head.

Tessa lifts her head to his, tugging on his lower lip again, nipping, her tongue darting out to meet his. Rolling her hips up, trying to get his to respond, when he dips his head down towards her ear, chuckling darkly.

"Tessa, Tessa, Tessa." He puts more of his weight on top of her then and she feels him everywhere. Running a hand along her brow, and around her jaw before tipping her chin up, looking her in the eyes.

"I told you I could resist your charms."

He says the words slowly, before pushing his pelvis into her, his mouth melding against hers, then pulling away suddenly. "I didn't say I wanted too, but I knew I could."

He gets up off the couch then. Her lying there wanting nothing more than to drag him off to her bedroom and have her way with him, and if the dark look that passes through Scott's eyes is any indication. He wants that too.

"I really should be going," he says cheekily.

"You really don't have to." She says looking right at the front of his pants.

He groans before putting her face between his hands. "I want to T, I really do, but not like this."

"Fine,"she pouts. "Your loss."

"Save some of that drive for the ice, Ms. Virtue, we're going to need it."

And just the way he says her last name has her stomach in knots.

"Goodnight Tess." He whispers kissing her forehead lightly.

"Night Scott," she says getting up to lock up after he leaves.

It doesn't matter how much she tries, she can't find a way to get comfortable once her head hits the pillow.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angst of the bachelor party night constantly referenced. Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. I am so so so sorry for how long it took to update. Real life has been kicking my ass, but I'm hoping you won't have to wait more than two weeks at a time for new chapters as my life is finally calming down. This chapter is one I've had in my head since I first drafted this story, so I hope you enjoy it and that it was worth the wait!

She sits at Scott's mother's kitchen table, going through the old photos of them performing. Alma with tears in her eyes, missing her son is almost too much to take. Tessa can see that, the toll it's taken on her losing her baby boy. They all thought they'd have more time and all they've got left is memories now.

They keep flipping through the pictures and Tessa thinks about how much they'd gone through together, moving to Kitchener, Igor needling her about her weight and Scott telling her it was fine, that he could still lift her. Tessa skating through the pain of her compartment syndrome so they could keep shooting for Gold. How angry Scott had been that she'd kept it from him as long as she had. How sad she'd been when he wouldn't speak to her. The bullshit of Sochi and the raw sadness they'd slipped into after. Peyongchang had been a blessing in disguise. The way they found their love of skating in each other once again. It was the fairytale ending they'd wanted. The fairy tale ending that should have, but never was because Tessa wanted more.

It was with a devasting realization that she finally understood his words to her her those few years ago echoing in her mind.

“You must really not love me if you’re willing to give up on us, on me so easily just after we'd finally figured it all out.”

It was cruel and he knew it, it was exactly why he said it. He had wanted to hurt her in the same way that she had hurt him.

She felt more tears in her eyes thinking about it. “I … love everything about you, Scott Moir, even when you're being unkind to me.” she whispered the words and he had waited for her to continue. “I have been in love with you for over half my life, but I-. We need this. We can do this one more time. I know it."

He pulled her in for a kiss then and she let him because she had this feeling it would be the last one they shared for a while. She didn't know how right and wrong she had been.

"So, we focus on a 4th cycle at the expense of our happiness?" He had said.

"It's just two more years." She had murmured back. So insistent that it wasn't a big deal.

"And you promised."

She never answered his statement because there was nothing on Earth she could say that would have made sense. Yes, they both loved skating and easily would win another cycle if they kept their focus, but it was more than that. If skating stopped being their focus would they work? Would Scott grow tired of her if she permanently took up both his professional and personal time? 

The answer was no. Not that she was thinking rationally at the time. She just wanted something that would keep the partnership intact without all the pressure that would exist outside their bubble.

"Tessa honey?" Alma's voice interrupted her drifting off into the past dragging her back into the present.

"Scott was going to ask me to marry him." She blurted out without thinking. Holding her hands up to her mouth afterwards wanting to take the words back. "Oh my God, I'm sorry, that was beyond inappropriate Alma I-."

"I already knew hon."

"You did?"

"He'd been so wound up and worried you'd say no that he could barely form full sentences I'm more surprised he didn't fumble more in competition mode. Even before you told him you wanted to do a 4th cycle."

"Right before his wedding, at his bachelor's party we had a bit of a blowout. We said some things. Things I regret now, things I wish I would have said."

"I know about that too."

"He told me to tell him to call it off and I couldn't do it."

"He shouldn't have asked that of you, he'd been so angry afterward sweetheart. At himself, at the whole situation."

"At me." Tessa says the words quietly, but just the slight not of Alma's head told her she knew the truth behind her words.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" His mother asks softly. Too calm, too kind, too much like Scott.

"But you already know."

"I heard Scott's side, now I'd like to hear yours."

"Okay," she says quietly. Trying to recall one of the best and worst nights of her life.

_  
The night of Scott's bachelor party was just shy of chaos. Tessa only tagged along because Scott had begged her to. If only "to keep the other guys in line, and to make sure he didn't do something stupid". So, in her mostly sober state she kept the boys in line. Marched them from one bar to one club to the next. If Scott's friend Mitchell got a little to handsy Scott would tug her in his direction. If Scott's brother kept playfully teasing her about being a bridesmaid at a bachelor's party Scott would tuck her into his side._

_She would be lying if she said she didn't love it. The bits of jealously he would never admit to. She felt them too sometimes, not that she had a right too anymore._

_Scott was nursing another beer when she whipped out her cell phone to take a picture of the two them. Grinning from ear to ear she tapped the screen before looking at them._

_"Eww I look awful. Let's try again."_

_"Not possible T." He said quietly in her ear before leaning in to give her a quick peck on the cheek. She doesn't remember closing her eyes or taking the picture, but it sits on her phone for a long time afterward. Reminding her of how good things had been._

_As the night progressed Mitchell would not take no for an answer, pestering her to dance. Scott had gone to the bathroom and the rest of the guys were either out of earshot or dancing themselves._

_"Aww to hell with it." She thought. We can share a dance and then he'll let me be. She hadn't realized how much trouble she'd cause until later. When Scott saw_ _them together, Mitchell's hands low on her back. It was like he was an entirely different person._

_"Hey Mitch, Tess is my partner." He'd said through clenched teeth._

_"It's just one dance Scotty." He laughed, not picking up on the irritation on Scott's face._

_"Consider the dance done." He said cutting in, and bringing her towards him. Pulling her close, probably too close to be considered appropriate._

_After Mitchell is out of earshot she huffs in Scott's ear,_ _"Why don't you just piss on me Scott." The words slipped out of her mouth and he frowned in response._

_"You've been dodging him all night and the moment I step in to save you, you're mad?"_

_"I was trying to let him down easy. Let him have a dance and be on my way."_

_"Mitch wanted more than a dance from you."_

_"And that would be none of your business."_

_"You're wellbeing will always be my business Tess."_

_They stopped swaying at that point. Her tugging her arms out of his grip before pointing at the doors. "Outside. Now."_

_She walked away without looking back knowing he would follow. Irritated when she turned around once outside and he had the gall to have an annoyed look on his face._

_"What on Earth do you get to be annoyed about?" She said trying to keep her voice even._

_"His hands were all over you."_

_"And if I had a problem with that I would have moved them Scott. And again, not you're business."_

_"It is when he's my friend. Not yours."_

_"We were friends once too Scott. Partners." Her voice rising with each word._

_"Were? We are partners."_

_"No, because partners don't act rude to the only person whose shown any kind of interest in them in the last six months. They don't hold hands and act handsy with someone who they are not with, and partners don't agree to do something and then go do something else because it's more convenient._

_"Tess, can we not do this right now?" He says bringing his hand to his forehead._

_"Then when? Where are we going to do this? We have been actively not doing this and you keep saying one thing and doing another. I'm so tired of pretending Scott and if you didn't want to wait you have to stop acting like I'm yours."_

_"It should have been us T."_

_"Then you should have waited."_

_"You know I love you Tessa."_

_She lets out a small puff of air, trying to center her thoughts. They've both been drinking, him more than her, but he was probably right that they were in the wrong headspace for this conversation. Weighing her words carefully she whispered. "That isn't fair."_

_"And you can't even say it back," he laughs in way that sounds like what he's saying isn't even remotely funny. "You aren't willing to jump because you don't think it's worth it. Worth the risk. That I'm not what would make you happy."_

_"Scott, please. We've both been drinking-." She pleads, trying to backpeddle._

_"Say you love me Tess. That you've always loved me, that if you could go back in time and change everything you would've picked me instead of skating."_

_"Scott."_

_"No Tessa, don't "Scott" me. You knew even back then how much I was in love with you. So, tell me to call off the_ _wedding, admit you were wrong in pushing me away two years ago. Because I know what I deserve Tessa Virtue, and that's someone who chooses me first every single time. The way I wanted to choose you, but you wouldn't let me. So, tell me you were wrong and I'll call the whole thing off right now."_

_She stands there and can't explain how without looking up she knew he'd moved closer to her. His hand curving its way under her chin, tilting it up until her eyes met his._

_He looked tired and sad. That's what she remembered as his mouth moved its way to hers. How his lips met hers gently. Once, twice. Waiting to see how his kiss would be received._

_She leaned into him, unable to stop herself before his hands framed her face and her own hands flew up to cover his. Their mouths connecting over and over, in front of some shitty bar in the early hours on the morning. Her mind would never forget the way it felt. Like they were saying goodbye one last time._

_He broke the kiss first, putting his forehead against hers, his words quiet._

_"Say you love me Tessa."_

_She remembers crossing her arms then and thinking of all the reasons she should do it. That they would be happy. That he loved her. But a bigger part, her pride, wouldn't let go of the fact he'd started dating Emily in the first place. That he'd replaced her so easily and the small nagging voice thought of just the right way to hurt him._

_"If you loved me as much as you claimed to you would call off the wedding all on your own. I'm not the one who left this relationship after we both agreed to wait. The one who found someone else to fall in love with and marry. You knew I had commitment issues the moment we started this and that I was afraid of all the what ifs and you replaced me anyway. You proved me right." She was yelling now but she didn't care if they caused a scene. She was so tired of the tiptoeing around each other's feelings._

_"Tessa."_

_"Go back to Emily, Scott. What we had is done." The words taste bitter on the way out of her mouth, but she finds peace with it in a way. Making her way back into the bar and acting like nothing had ever happened in the first place._

Her mind found its way back to present as she recalled something she'd never told anyone about sitting there in Alma Moir's kitchen.

"We spent the rest of the night avoiding each other Alma, and when we woke up the next morning we just simply agreed to never speak of it again."

"He never hated you for what happened Tessa."

"But he resented me. I pushed him away when he wanted me. When we could have been happy."

"You didn't feel that you were ready."

"I was scared of what would happen when this was all over and now I'm left with nothing, but this." I said holding up the wedding band around attached to the necklace around my neck.

"Then you knew how much he loved you."

She nodded unable to come up with anything intelligent to say, the rest of their conversation becoming one-sided as Alma carried it alone. Tessa's mind somewhere else entirely.

If I could have had Scott, I wouldn't waste that time.

But she was, actively wasting the time she had with him in her other life. Because she was scared because she was worried about what people thought. And a million other stupid things she let hold her back from him.

The drive home was silent, and she contemplated what had to be done. She had to tell him. Tell him that she was in this, that there was no holding back if that's what he wanted. She made her way into her living room talking herself in and out of it. How it needed to be done and the best way of approaching Scott about all of it. She wanted it to be perfect this time. Not just blurting out that she loved him the second she saw him.

With just the right amount of determination she let herself drift off to sleep on her couch, thinking about how lucky she was to have Scott Moir.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has some great things happening all before Shit hits the fan... stay tuned;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first (in my opinion) big twist. Stay tuned.

As they walked back to his place, after therapy, her arm tucked into his elbow, he asked, “I know things have been out of sorts these last few months, but our skating has been better than ever, which is crazy right?"

"It is," she says nodding along with him. "Who would have thought focusing on the ice more than ourselves would do that." She said sarcastically hip checking him before they stepped into his house.

He rolled his eyes, thinking she didnt see, but she did.

"I guess you were right."

"Not entirely."

"I still wish you'd let us be honest about all of it."

He makes his way around the kitchen counter waiting for her words, but she's trying to find the right ones.

After talking with Alma in her other life she'd realized she needed to give a little when it came to Scott, but she had a plan and he was constantly, accidentally, ruining it.

Essentially, playing a dangerous game of chicken every time they took the ice. When he'd hold her hand a little too long, or his hands would linger on her hips, or his lips would graze her neck. It drove her crazy, but she couldn't give in. Not yet. Not when she had set her plan on motion.

The Olympics were less than a month away. She had been hopping between this life and the other and things were finally coming together, but for the first time in a long time, she didn't know what Scott was thinking.

He wasn't acting like he was mad at her or impatient. It was like he was waiting, knowing that something was going to happen.

"After everything they've made up about us over the years, the rumors both true and not true, they don't deserve my honesty."

He merely shrugged in response and started making dinner as she made her way over to his couch. Flipping on the tv to some show she didn't really want to watch. They ate dinner in a comfortable silence before going back into the living room to watch a movie.

If his arm instinctively reached to cover her shoulder she didn't say a word, but when he finally noticed he did it he looked at her sheepishly. “Sorry,” he said quietly, like he wasn’t sure if he needed to apologize.

He didn’t. They didn't apologize to each other over things that happened all the time. That's what two decades of skating together had done to them. There few and far between lines that they hadn't crossed together at some point.

“Don’t be,” she said. “If things were different we'd be making out right now instead of watching the movie so."

"If I thought I could handle it, without us being together, we probably would be."

They'd always been pretty bad when it came to the all or none stuff. Scott had been in her life as long as she could remember really and between skating and "dating" and everything in between it was only a matter of time.

"You know I still love you right?"

He nods, but doesn't say anything.

"If you still want me when all of this is over, I'll still be here."

So, quietly she's not even sure he really even says it, "I'll always want you T."

She thought about all the things they would be doing when this cycle was over. They'd both probably coach a bit. Scott would be better at that. He had the patience that she did not. He had the heart too. She had it, but not in the same way as him. She wanted to take a few more classes, keep working on her fashion line. Had to remember the endorsements and what each required from her each day. Every piece took something out of her, but not Scott.

He stood at the end of the line always. Accepting whatever Tessa gave him of her time. Once he told her, "You've given me over twenty years of your life kiddo, what more could I possibly want?" How was she not supposed to fall in love with him? With what little she gave him, she would never understand how he gave her so much.

Everything. That's what she wanted from him someday. Early morning coffee and date nights. Strolling through the park and watching him coach. Seeing him carry their children on his shoulders while she worked on her various business ventures. They were already everything for each other. She knew they loved each other. That they clicked. That their history made them more compatible not less. That regardless of time and circumstance what was between them feel inevitable. She would compare every man she ever met to Scott Moir, so how would anyone ever stack up? It both excited and terrified her to care about someone that much.

"We have an early practice tomorrow, I think I'm going to call it a night." Her words sound forced, but she finds them to be a comfort. She wants him to ask her to stay, but he probably won't. It's become a bit of a habit of theirs. Go to therapy go to one or the other's house. Eat dinner, chat, and watch a move, then make up some lame reason to go home, but Scott flips the script this time.

"You can crash here if you want. You didn't drive, so I can sleep here on the couch and you can have my bed."

"Scott, you'll end up with an awful crick in your neck."

"It's not a big deal," he says shrugging, "I fall asleep out here all the time."

She contemplates his offer before giving in as soon as he tilts his head in a way that's just perfectly Scott.

"Shirts are in the drawer, you can wear whatever one you want."

"Okay, thanks." She says awkwardly.

"No problem. Night Tess."

As she pulls off her clothes and slips one of Scott's leafs shirts over head she buries herself under his covers. Everything in his room smelled like him. It was comforting in a way she would never be able to explain. She fell asleep, listening to the low sounds coming from the TV in the living room.

 

~~~~~~

 

"Was it hard pretending you weren't completely in love with Scott in front of the camera, even when you were together?" Emily asks her. The steam rolling off the cup of coffee in her hands.

For being Scott's widow, she wanted to know an awful lot about her and Scott. Sometimes more than what Tessa felt comfortable sharing. "Ask any pairs skaters and they'll all tell you the same thing, it's part of our job and we're good at it. Everyone knew I loved Scott, be it platonic business love or otherwise. You don't skate with someone for twenty-odd years and not love them."

Emily nods thoughtfully mulling over this new information, but frowning as if she still doesn't comprehend it.

"Then why lie? Why say you weren't together if everyone already knew you loved each other. In some shape or form?"

"I think we both realized if we became a couple everything would have been about us being a couple and would stop being about our skating. We didn't want that."

"We?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Both of us were on the same page at first, but after time..." she hesitates almost not wanting to finish answering her. "Scott stopped caring about what people thought or said and I didn't."

"I know how he used to get when he set his mind to something." Emily nods.

"It's all he wants. He'd be relentless until he got it." Tessa says exasperated. Her situation in her other life becoming more and more reflective of this one.

She and Emily made their way out of the coffee shop after that debating whether they had enough time and energy to get manicures. The more time she spends with Emily the more she wishes she would have welcomed her when Scott was still here. She's exactly the type of person Tessa would be friends with.

It puts a small pain in her stomach at the thought that of all the things Scott did want, was for Tessa to like Emily as much as he did, and she never gave him that. She was always polite, but not nice. Reserved and never extended invites to hangout unless there was a group and she couldn't avoid it.

It was selfish, but Tessa almost preferred this. She wasn't so strong that she thought she could tag along with Scott and his wife all the time, and lie to herself while pretending everything was okay.

This Emily walking next to her already knew she loved Scott. Already knew that this friendship probably wouldn't exist if Scott was still alive.

"It's crazy to think he's gone sometimes isn't it?" Emily's voice is barely a whisper.

Tessa grabs her hand giving it a small squeeze. It feels unfair to lie to her.

"I know you won't believe me, but I swear every time I fall asleep I wake up in a place he's still alive."

"Your mom mentioned you'd been having dreams about him. She was pretty worried about you."

"They aren't dreams. He's just. He's there."

"And you're together?"

Tessa laughs, but her next words are anything, but funny. "We aren't actually. Miscommunication seems to be a strong suit of ours."

Emily laughs too, "How is it that even in an alternate universe you both still don't have your shit together?"

"Maybe it's a sign."

"Yeah, that you need to pull your heads out of your asses."

"I can't believe you're being so nonchalant about the fact that you want me to be with your dead husband, in a different reality."

"Well, it's not in this one. Why would it matter to me as long as he's happy?"

Her throat closes up then, and she has to swallow the lump she feels creeping it's way up. "You are way too good a person, for either of us to deserve you."

Emily gives her a small smile, one of those that don't quite stretch across your face. "I'm not sure it matters now anyway. Scott's gone and you're one of the only people that understands how it feels. If you dream about him somewhere else I hope you're both happy there."

Tessa assumed Emily had being dealing with the pain of losing Scott better than she had, but maybe she'd been wrong. Where there should have been anger and pain about her dead husband being in love with someone else and not just her. Her eyes were soft and sincere as if she was trying to shoulder Tessa's pain. Which wasn't fair.

"I'm sorry you lost him."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not, we spent so much time not figuring out shit out and then him dragging you into it and then my third wheeling it. It couldn't have been easy for you and I'm sorry for making it so much worse."

"I wish he wouldn't have made me fall in love with him because he was still so in love with you."

Tessa takes a deep breath before speaking words that hurt more than she cares to admit. "He may have loved me, but he loved you too. He would not have married you if he didn't. Maybe he thought his feelings for me would go away. Maybe he thought that with distance he'd let go of me. We won't ever know what he thought about all of this, but I know he loved you."

Emily gives a small smile back to her, tears starting to form in her eyes. "Thank you for that Tess."

"Anytime. But honestly, all this heavy stuff we're talking about has kind of killed my mood. Raincheck on the mani/pedi's?"

"I'll hold you to that Virtue."

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't." When Tessa walks the small distance to her car, cranking the heat before making the short drive back to her house, she can't help but feel worried. That she's living on borrowed time. She's happy when her head hits the pillow because when she wakes up, she knows Scott's presence will take that feeling away.

 

~~~~~~

 

There's about twenty reporters all sort of yelling and Tessa can't focus on all the different voices and jumbled words. Scott must point to one directly because all the others quiet down for a moment so he can speak.

"So, how does it feel knowing that when you step out onto the ice later tonight, that it will be the last Olympics of your careers?"

Scott motions for her to answer first, "It's both a wonderful and bittersweet feeling. Regardless of the outcome today we've got enough medals on the shelf that speak for themselves and I don't think I can even begin to explain how much this would not have been possible without Scott by my side."

"Scott?" The reporter gestures for him to answer. "Everything that she says I feel the same way. Incredibly blessed to have such a caring and compassionate partner. That she's been such a large part of my life for over twenty years. That's commitment."

A different reporter shooting their hand up and asks a question before anyone can beat her to it.

"With these programs you've chosen. Do you really expect us to believe there's nothing going on between the two of you? The words, the music, the synchronicity. It's too much."

Tessa shoots Scott a look for him to answer. He's usually better at these type of questions whereas she just tends to repeat the same thing over and over. "Were just friends" "that is such a compliment" "were like business partners."

The questions all feel the same after that. All alluding to something more. It takes everything in her not to roll her eyes at Scott and tell him "I told you so". Because that's exactly what was happening.

The second they stare too long at one another, the moment his hand grazes her arm ever so gently. The vultures feed on it, like of course they're fucking, otherwise how could they be so good? Nevermind the fact they've been skating together since they've both been in the single digits.

  
Scott pulls her into a tight hug after all the talking is over and when she tries to pull away he just squeezes her tighter.

"I'm so sorry kiddo."

He knows the same way she does it's never going to stop, but she doesn't want it to ruin what they're doing here. What time they have left on the competitive ice together. She has a plan for how she wants this to end, and she just has to keep her head on straight.

Their first skate is perfect and wonderful and Tessa feels like she's riding some kind of high. Which is perfect until some random skier keeps trying to ask her out right in front of Scott. Rather relentless, with wandering hands. She sees the way Scott clenches his fists, but says nothing. His jaw strong and his face turned down in a frown.

When she tried to pull him aside and tell him he had nothing to worry about he brushed her off saying not to worry about it. Tessa couldn't believe that, not when his voice said anything but. This was why she said their skating and dating didn't mix well. They never came up with a finite definition, of what they were.

It made things more complicated and it made her angry when later that night. The last night before their big skate, he wouldn't even answer the door when she knocked. She knew he was in there, had texted his roommate and they said he'd gotten back hours prior.

She shot him a quick text:

_Please Scott, I need you to talk to me. Tomorrow is the Our last skate._

She knew it wasn't and that they would undoubtedly skate a thousand more times together, but she knew he knew what she meant. This would be the last skate in front of millions of people, where they would get to prove they were the best.

Those small three dots flashed across the bottom of her screen. Before disappearing. Then appearing again. Finally seven words popped up.

 _I'm tired, I'll see you tomorrow Tess_.

She got the sense that if Scott didn't want to talk about it, she should just let it go, as much as it pained her to.

When they got ready to take the ice the next day she almost thought he wasn't going to do their thing. When he pulled her in though right at the last second she felt their breaths fall into synch. He still wouldn't meet her eyes.

Not after they took the ice, not after they executed their straight line reverse lift perfectly, not when they did the goose, or when she swayed in his arms. It wasn't until the last thirty seconds she went off script. Her hand finding the corner of his jaw, directing it downward.

If he was surprised he didn't show it. His eyes meeting her at last. Angry and sad. She knew he'd been hurt last night. Well, actually since she'd backed up on what relationship they'd established. But staring into his eyes, no matter how angry he was with her she felt the pieces of who they were. She never let herself put together that loving Scott and wanting him and knowing him all this time and accepting that he loved her too all could be summed up together as them being in love. It terrified her, because of the fact that he was her past and present in any world and now her in his arms she wanted him to be her future too. And it scared the shit out of her to admit it.

When the music ends and it's just the two of them rushing toward one another there is no miscommunication. There's no confusion or anger of the days earlier events. Just two people coming together after decades of work. A single glance is shared between them and she's knows he sees it. The transparency. She knows they're in front of thousands of people and there's probably millions more watching at home, but all she can think as she skates towards him is fuck it, and I love you, and I want to kiss you. So she does.

She's done saying _we can’t do this_ and _not yet_ and _I don't want this to take away from our skating_. And as she stands there on the ice with Scott twirling her around and their lips meeting over and over again, she knows she made the right choice. She pulls back enough that he can see her, that the cameras pick up every word because she doesn't care anymore. "I love you Scott Moir. I love you so much."

His smile is stretched wide and he pulls her close and spins her once more for good measure.

"You know everyone can see us right?"

"I'm don't care, as long as it's you and me."

"Now that wasn't so hard was it Tess?"

"I feel so free." She says smiling, skating with him hand and hand towards the kiss and cry.

"It's going to be harder for you now Tess." He says frowning, his skates slowing down to a stop.

"Why?" She asks confused.

"I don't want to let you go."

"We don't have to do anything."

He smiles that sad smile of his. That one that would look condescending on any other face, but on his it just looks sad. "Look around Tessa."

When she does, she notices that everything around her is white. That the cheering has stopped and the crowds are gone. That it's just her and Scott in a blank space.

"What's going on?" She asks starting to panic.

"It's time for you to go back. It's time for you to wake up."

Her stomach bottoms out at the very thought of what's happening.

"I finally said it. I said it and now we can be together in all the ways we've ever wanted. I finally get to have you and now I have to leave?"

"All I ever wanted was to hear those words just once, in front of the whole world. Just once Tess, and you gave me that. But you can't stay here anymore."

He couldn't be suggesting what she thought he was suggesting.

"I don't want to live in a place where you aren't there."

"You need to wake up Tessa, even if it's without me."

And before she can move he's gone, a small puff of gray smoke against a stark white background. Leaving her alone.

She's left standing there thinking, 

 

_What the Hell just happened?_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaaaaaaaaat? A new chapter in less than two weeks:)

She listens to Long Time Running on repeat for three days straight. She takes those pills her Mother gave her to help her sleep, just hoping that maybe they'd cause a hallucination she'd been yearning for. She avoids Emily's calls because she can't bear to look her in the eyes and realize they're now on level ground.

_We both lost Scott, but I let him slip right through my fingers when I had the chance to be happy._

"You need to eat Tessa." Her mother whispers to her for what seems like the hundredth time in the last few days, but she's too focused on watching her and Scott's programs to worry about much else.

She's watched almost every performance now. Memorizing their movements, feeling them dance across her skin. The familiarity of the music she can still hear in her sleep. But when she wakes up she's still here. She doesn't wake up in the other place anymore. The one where Scott's alive.

"Emily wants to check in on you, but I've told her you're contagious like you said. Not sure why it matters, I've always thought your friendship with her was kind of odd."

"We're allowed to be friends." She feels kind of defensive all of a sudden. Just because she was married to Scott isn't a reason we can't be friends."

"I'm just saying, considering you were in love with her dead husband while he was still alive. Tessa honey, that's odd."

"We can't help that we both miss Scott."

"No, I suppose you can't, but you also can't spend the rest of your life in here wallowing. Scott would want you to-."

"Don't tell me what Scott would want Mom. I know what he wanted. He wanted to live in that old house he renovated. He wanted to have at least three children. He wanted to coach for a few years up in Montreal before going back to Ilderton to raise his kids and coach at the local rink. Those are the things he wanted."

"You Tessa, he wanted all those things with you." Her Mom murmurs. "I thought you were making some progress with all of this, but it's like you're back to square one."

"I wanted all those things with him, but it's too late for that now. He left me all alone."

"You aren't alone and I wish you'd stop saying that."

"I'm sorry Mom. I know you're there for me and that you love me and want me healthy, but I don't want to do anything for a few days. I just want to sit and wallow and remember man who made me happy for over two decades."

Her Mom straightens up a blanket on the back of her couch. Tessa can tell her fingers are itching to clean up more of her living room, but thankfully she pulls back. Assessing Tessa in a way she doesn't really like.

"I'm going to give you five days Tessa. Five. If you don't make some kind of progress in the next few days you're going back to the doctor."

"Fine." Tessa huffs out.

 

~~~~~~

 

She hates the interrogation - she hates the tone of her voice. As if Tessa's doing this on purpose, like she wants to feel this way. “Please leave me alone." she says sharply and she tugs her blanket back over her hand, trying to bury herself in her bed. "Why can't people just leave me alone?"

Emily jumps on her bed, yanking off her covers. "You need to stop this.” Her tone is rougher than Tessa is used to hearing and she finds herself getting more irritated, but still Emily keeps pushing. "Why won’t you just talk to me?”

Her eyes widen at her. She can’t even begin to explain or find the want to, but she manages.

“Because for the last few months I've been able to spend so much time with Scott. Finishing the olympics, telling him I love him. Everything! And then suddenly, the second I figure out what I needed to, I find out that none of it was real. That all of it was in my head and now I'm stuck here. On this Earth. With no Scott." Her voices sounds strangled as she chokes out the last few words.

Emily looks at her with such sad eyes and it should make Tessa feel pathetic, but she's so far past that point. "You know grief does strange things to people Tessa."

She shakes her head, "I feel like I'm falling apart here. That I've spent so much time with Scott and I don't have a partner anymore, how can I take the ice without him?"

"Tessa you have been. Slowly."

"But I don't want there to be a day that me skating without him feels normal. I don't want to live in a place where Scott isn't."

"Tessa..."

"Why do you even care about me? I'm sitting here crying about your dead husband who I was in love with and who you said was in love with me. Why on Earth would you care?" The words quiver in her throat.

"Because I know you miss him."

She nods before whispering, "I would give up the entire world to have him."

"What if I told you, you didn't have to."

When Tessa raises an eyebrow she finds her room shift right before her eyes.

_Just remember what this felt like Tessa. This emptiness, but he's waiting._

And then she's gone. Stark white walls greet her.

_What the hell is going on now?_

When Scott appears out of thin air, small pieces of her warped mind come together.

"All of this isn't real. Is it?"

"Tess."

"No Scott. This, you, Emily, us. It's all been in my head the entire time."

"T look at me."

She does as his eyes rove over her face. She can feel the tears sliding down her cheeks, but her eyes meet his and it hurts. Knowing this is everything she could have had, knowing this could have been real.

"When we skate together... there is nothing else in the world that makes me feel like that. No one in the world that makes me feel like that."

"But you aren't real."

She thinks his words before he speaks them, trying to talk herself out of whatever the fuck she's about to do.

"I'm as real as your memories let me be."

"Not real enough."

And he starts saying all the things she wanted him to over the years. All the things she wouldn't let him say. Tessa wraps herself up in those thoughts as he brings his mouth towards hers.

The problem isn't with this Scott not being real, it's that he would always be just short of what her Scott was to her. He didn't fight with her, not really. He didn't push her past her limits. He didn't challenge her every move like her Scott always would. He bent to her small whims, he waited for her, her real Scott didn't. He found another person to love, and even if he gave her the opportunity to call of his wedding, he didn't do it himself. That would always be in the back of her mind. That this Scott wasn't what she wanted because he was hers and her Scott was Emily's.

She thinks that of all of those things that was the worst. This Scott was just not her Scott and it would never be enough.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Absolutely nothing, but you can't keep living like this."

"If all of this isn't real, then what is?"

"Why don't you wake up and find out?"

"I already did that. I did what you told me to."

When his eyes meet hers, his face pulled back enough for her to assess his features and she knows she missed something.

"I haven't woken up yet."

He shakes his head side to side and she feels a huge weight sink deep in her chest.

"Then I don't know what you expect me to do Scott. You take away the one good life I had, tell me to wake up and then I come here and you tell me that's not right either."

"Tessa, you need to breathe."

"JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO."

"I want you to look at me."

She doesn't want to, but his palm makes its way under her chin, tilting it up toward him.

"I want you to memorize my face. Look at the man you've loved to over two decades. See how happy you've made me. How when you let yourself be happy, I'm happy too."

"But you're not you."

He smiles, but it doesn't stretch across his face.

"No, I'm not, but it doesn't mean everything I just said wasn't true."

"I just want to know how to get out of this nightmare."

"I'm only going to give you the answers you let me."

And before she can ask another question he's disappeared again and she is alone. She takes stock of her living room. It's everything in the perfect place scheme.

Before she picks up her vase and chucks it across the room. Smashing it against the wall. She closes her eyes and imagines its back in its original place, unbroken and as soon as she opens her eyes it's there, not a broken piece of glass in sight.

She stomps toward her room in frustration of everything going on around her. Her heart hurting that she doesn't know how to fix it. She crawls under the covers, praying she'll find her way out of this place before sleep overtakes her.

 

~~~~~~

  
The sound of machines whirring is the first thing she hears. The consistent beep irritating her. She goes to pull whatever is attached to arm out so she can move, before she feels a hand stop hers.

Hands she'd recognize anywhere. Hands who'd held her at her weakest. High fived her on a good day. Hands that liked to cradle her face right before he kissed her.

"Scott." She whispers his name like a prayer.

"Tess."

"You're not a dream are you, please tell me this isn't another dream?

"If anyone's dreaming it's me kiddo. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've missed you, how much everyone has missed you."

His hand squeezes hers gently and tears spring up unwanted in her eyes.

"You aren't real, this isn't real. I watched you die."

"Tess, you're in shock. You need to relax."

Her mind is wandering in a way she can't quite explain. A mixture of groggy and disbelief. "Please just go away. I've had enough of all of this. Enough of being tricked and training and my life not being my own. I've had enough of all of it."

"Tess." He says quietly. "This is not a dream and I'm real." As if to prove his point he places one hand on her cheek. Brushing his fingertips along her cheekbone.

That thing that was missing before. That thing that just felt like Scott. It isn't missing now. There's no explanation for how she reacts. One minute she's whispering _you're real_? And the next S he's pulling his face towards hers and her lips meet his. Once, twice, three times before he finally responds.

His hands tangle in her hair and his tongue gently slides its way into her mouth, but just as quickly as it started it stops. Him abruptly pulling back as if she's burned him.

"That can't happen again." He whispers.

"Why?" She asks him. Both disoriented and tired. A lethal combination that is scrambling her brain to the point only nonsense is coming out.

And as if summoned from her own personal hell, Emily walks through the door. Two cups of coffee on hand. Nearly dropping one when she sees that Tessa is awake.

"Tessa, oh my God. Thank God you're awake. Scott, baby. Why haven't you told the doctor. Oh my God."

"She just woke up," Scott says quietly. Leaning further away from Tessa, before taking the coffee from Emily. "She's pretty disoriented."

"You both are scaring me." Tessa murmurs looking between the two of them.

"Tessa... you've. You've been-."

"Maybe we shouldn't bombard her Em. Could you do me a favor and go get the Doctor and let him no she's up. She looks like she's about to fall back asleep and I'd rather he see her before she does."

"She is right here and she would like to know what's going on." Tessa says, irritated that they're speaking across her as Emily slips out of the room.

"Tessa, you're not all with it. Talking about me dying and dreams and, well all of it."

"Scott I watched you die. I watched the vehicle hit you and then I woke up and you were gone. I remember the accident and I remember the look on your face right before that truck hit you."

"Tess. That's not what happened."

"I think I'd remember."

"Tessa how long do you think you've been in this hospital?" Scott asks her evenly.

"A few weeks?" She says not completely trusting her answer.

"Try 6 months. 6 months of them saying you weren't going to wake up. That if you did your mind may not be intact. That your muscles would be atrophied."

"Scott, I saw it hit you."

"Tessa, it never hit me. Sure, we spun after impact, but your side was the one smashed in. I thought that it was my fault. We'd been messing around and I went to tickle you and I took my eyes off the road for just a second."

She reaches for his free hand give him a small squeeze, "Scott none of this is your fault."

"The guy ran a red light."

"Oh."

"When they pulled you from the car..." His voice waivered trying to continue, "You looked so broken Tess."

"I swear it was you."

"I wish it had been."

"Don't say that, please don't say that. You don't understand how hard it was to live without you Scott." She mumbles out the last few words, as they start to string themselves together.

"Tessa?" Scott says squeezing her hand.

"Im just tired Scott. I just want to sleep for a minute."

"Why, don't you just hold on until the doctor gets back? So he can see you with your eyes open T. Can you wait just a few more minutes for me?"

"You didn't wait for me." She whispers, trying to squeeze his hand back, but she can feel her eyes fluttering closed. Drifting off with her hand in his.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gahhhhhhhhh! Your response to this story has been lovely. Thanks for reading. Please don't hate me :)

Of three things Tessa Virtue is absolutely sure:

1\. That while the accident she remembered happened, the order of events and who actually got hurt were a bit off. _Oh, and she'd spent the last 6 months in a coma._

  
2\. Scott and her had won gold the way she'd remembered it the first time, and oh yes, he was married to Emily. _Not her friend who brought her soup when she was sick Emily, but the polite, Scott's girl Emily._

  
3\. If Scott kept babying her and showing up whenever she had to so much as lift a finger she was going to lose it on him. _Much like she was about to right now._

 

"Jesus Fucking Christ Scott I need you to let me breathe!"

He flinches as if she's slapped him and she reaches out a hand toward him in a silent apology, but he keeps recoiling from her touch.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. When she woke up and realized she almost died. When she saw that he was by her side in that tiny chair in her room. She thought for maybe a moment that things might be going the right way.

He showed up to all of her appointments with her physical therapist. Massaged out the muscles in her legs the way he used to after her surgeries, and he kept talking about coaching as if they were picking things right back up as if she hadn't been MIA for the last 6 months.

But they weren't. Fate had never really been on their side. At least not as far as their relationship was ever concerned.

She skated away from him then. Gliding along with her walker. It made her feel like a child again. Unable to stand on her own two feet on the ice, but she kept going. Her physical therapist told her she could finally get back on the ice, it had been weeks of therapy. Of begging to be allowed to do more. She understood that she had to be patient with her body, but she also knew it was getting stronger every day.

Scott slid along the ice too. She couldn't see him anymore without turning around, but she heard him, felt him. His gaze on her. So many things had been ruined between them. She had never wanted skating to be one of them. Their kiss in the hospital had done that. Had created some kind of line that neither talked about.

Seeing him with Emily hurt her. More than she cared to admit, but on the ice Tessa still wanted them to be them. Wanted Scott to talk to her in the way he used to. Now it's all polite conversation and saying I'm sorry anytime he accidentally touches her. It had taken her nearly a week to get him to come here with her. Him saying she wasn't ready yet.

It's another fifteen minutes of silence before she feels his hands on her waist. Strictly for reassurance reasons like he'd held her before she yelled at him, but she'll take any old piece of their skating. That she can get. Just like old times, but different.

"I can't do anything but this Scott." She whispers quietly. Pathetically dragging her skates across the ice. The walker doing nothing really but slowing her down and holding her up.

"You know I don't scare easy Tess."

She nods and they keep going. Him always just a little too close, his grip just a little too tight. As if she might just slide right out of his hands.

He ducks his head into her neck and it startles her before he whispers, "I never thought I'd get to skate with you again."

It sends an involuntary shiver down her spine. She'd been skating with him in half of her dreams. They were so happy there, even when it wasn't real.

"As if I'd let you skate with anyone else."

He pulls her right to him then. Turning her around so she has nothing to latch onto except him, and she does.

His arms wrap their way around her until she feels his heart racing beneath hers. His head tucked gently into her neck, where she always thought it belonged. She tries to take deep breaths then, but his body is shaking too much for her to calm him.

It's when she feels her collar getting wet that Tessa realizes he's crying. Muffled sobs, that he doesn't want her to see. She rubs soothing circles on his back trying to center him and slowly she feels his breathing returning to normal.

His hands find their way to her face and suddenly his eyes are staring into hers. Their noses practically touching. "I never thought I'd get to skate with you again."

"But I'm here now." She manages a small smile, but he doesn't reciprocate it. Just keeps hold her head between his palms, memorizing every curve of her face.

She's the one who slides back first. Having to remind herself that he's married. Her Scott, the Scott she's been in love with for as long as she can remember is married to someone who is not her. And she kissed him when she woke up. And they haven't spoken about, but she doesn't want it to happen again unless their on the same page about things.

"Tess I'm not saying this to upset you or to push you into doing something you don't want, but I think we should go back to therapy."

"We?"

"Yes we. We were both in an accident. I thought I'd lost my partner of 20+ years and you, well you won't talk about everything you remember from being in a coma and that isn't really healthy either Tess."

"I don't think it's wrong that I don't want to talk about something traumatic."

"It'll eat away at you."

That's one of the things she loves and hates about Scott. That he's intuitive, more than people have ever given him credit for, but it's more than that. He can practically read her mind most of the time and that scares her.

She agrees to 6 sessions with Dr. Barton and they leave the rink that day, him humming some song she recognizes, but can't put a name on and her silently sliding into his car as he drives her home.

  
\------

When they arrive at therapy later that week Tessa laughs at Dr. Barton's office being back to it's calming blue. Not a single bit of beige in sight.

She has them sit down and she finds herself leaning away from Scott more out of practice than anything else. She has to consciously remind herself that leaning into him, holding him too tight, the small reassuring circles her rubs into her back. All of it is inappropriate and should probably stop.

His mouth is smiling when he starts to tell Dr. Barton about the progress she's made in PT. How she's finally made it back onto the ice. He looks so happy... until Dr. Barton ruins it.

"So, as happy as I am that you've made all this progress physically. From what Scott's told me Tessa, you seems to be internalizing a lot of your mental stress."

"Like I've already told Scott, I'm fine. I was in an accident. I was in a coma, and now I'm back."

The doctor gives her a smile that's both patronizing and sad. It kind of makes Tessa want to flip her off.

"Traumatic brain injuries result in a lot of complications further along in recovery, especially when they aren't addressed properly."

"She can't help you if you won't let her know what's going on Tess." Scott nudges her in her side.

"I don't need her help. There isn't anything wrong with me." She knows she sounds defensive, but this... This rehashing of everything that's happened between them hurts her and it will hurt him too.

"Dr. Barton, when Tessa woke up, she seemed to think she was dreaming. I'm assuming some of that could be chalked up to shock and waking up, but she's remembered the accident, just the detail that I died was wrong."

"Scott, I really don't think-." Tessa starts but is cut off.

"Tessa, do you remember anything of while you were in your coma. Real or not. Any memory?"

"I'd rather not talk about it, if that's okay."

"Tess," Scott takes her hands in his before looking at her, his eyes pulling her to look back at him. "I just want to understand what you're going through, I want to be here to help you, but I can't do that if you won't let me."

"Scott," she whispers, "You are not going to want to hear this, I promise."

"I do." He nods, "Whatever it is I can handle it.

Tessa let's out a small huff, exasperated by today's turn of events before taking her hands out of Scott's and looking straight at the doctor as she speaks.

"It's going to sound crazy, but I was living two very different lives when I was in a coma."

She feels Scott stiffen beside her on the couch and she shies away from his hand when he tries to take hers again.

"And you remember them." Dr. Barton murmurs. Scribbling some words on her notepad. Tessa likes that she phrases it as a statement rather than a question..

"In one I woke up and Scott had died in the accident and in the other we were together."

She can feel Scott's stare, but doesn't dare look at him. She can feel the blush creeping up her cheeks and that's embarrassing enough. He's still married. He just wanted to do this to help with some kind of PTSD they both seem to be having. He pulled away when she bombarded him with that kiss in the hospital. God, she wishes she could just hide under this chair.

"And by together you mean intimately." Again she phrases it as a statement rather than a question.

"It felt so real." Tessa whispers before finally looking at Scott. "Do you remember when we decided to go for the fourth cycle? That night you asked me to be with you and I told you to wait until after we'd won our last Gold?"

He nods, but seems confused by her train of thought.

"I told you to wait, and then you found Emily."

He frowns, but she can't seem to stop the word vomit coming out of her mouth.

"In this life I chose you. We still competed in the olympics. We still went out there and won the Gold medal, but this time we were together, kind of. I messed some shit up in between as usual, but we were together."

She can't figure out where his head is at, when he looks at her, but she doesn't get much time to assess him as the doctor seems to be assessing them both.

"Ms. Virtue, is there any way you think that the reason you were together with him in that life is because it was something you wanted?"

"Of course it was." The words move so quickly out of her mouth.

The silence filling the room is suffocating.

"Mr. Moir, you seem rather surprised by that."

When Tessa turns to look at him again, not completely able to meet his eyes, she realizes he does look surprised... and confused.

"Dr. Barton, our history has always been a complicated one. We've said some things over the years, done some things, but nothing ever came of it."

_Nothing ever came of it?_

His words hurt more than she cared to admit, but she was fuming.

"That's why you promised to wait two years for me. That once the olympics were over we would finally have a shot."

"You had the chance to stop things before and you didn't."

They're eye to eye on the couch now and she can tell he's getting as angry as she is. Digging up old memories is causing them both to expose old wounds.

"I should never have had to. You're a grown man Scott, if you didn't want to do something you should have decided that yourself."

"Don't turn this around on me. At least I wasn't so scared that I ran. Physically, mentally ran away from happiness."

"I didn't run. You were engaged."

"Then why, if you really claimed to feel the way you did, never say it back."

"Scott."

"No, Tessa if you cared about me as much as you seem to think you did, why couldn't you say it."

Her silence echoes between them and her heart sinks at the thought of causing him so much pain. She would say it now if she thought it would heal even a fraction of it, but not here. Not in front of someone who wasn't a part of it.

"You didn't say it back because you didn't feel it too. Did you ever feel that way Tessa?"

"Of course I did!"

He laughs, but it's not a happy one. It's dripping with anger and resentment that she knows he hasn't let go of. Tessa knows because she felt it to. The moment him and Emily said I do. "You can't even say it in front of our therapist. Someone whose job is to try and help us through this."

Dr. Barton decides to intervene then, but it just stirs the pot further. "What exactly were you not able to say Tessa?"

 _You know full well what._ She thinks but doesn't say aloud.

Scott stares at her waiting for the words to leave her mouth even if they're not directed at him, as if just to hear her say them.

When she doesn't budge he stands up quickly walking towards the door.

"Dr. Barton I appreciate all that you've done, but I can't handle any more of this today. I'm just, this is all too much for me right now."

His hand hits the handle and her words come out quiet, trying to make him understand.

"One night in that life we were at home and I said, I love you Scott Moir. You held onto me tightly when I said it, like you couldn't believe it. So I repeated it, that I was in love with you, that I have always been in love with you, and I will always be in love with you."

She blinks back the tears in her eyes seeing the muscles straining in his back, Tessa knows it's not technically what he asked for, but it's still the truth.

"Were we happy there T?" He says the words so quietly, not turning his head.

"We really were."

He nods, but she cant see the look on his face. She wants him to turn around and look at her. To see that she means it, even if it isn't enough for him.

He nods his head just once before turning the handle and walking out.

Dr. Barton looks at the closed door and then back at Tessa. "You probably already know this, but the reason I suggested to Scott that you both come to therapy is there are clearly some unresolved issues between you."

"I don't think therapy is going to fix this."

"But to be able to speak openly to one another in a neutral place could bring you a sense of closure."

Tessa didn't want closure because closure meant that she accepted this. That she wouldn't have Scott. That he would have an entire life without her, everything he ever wanted without her.

"Thank you for all your help Dr. Barton, I'm sorry that we cut the session short today, I promise we'll be more prepared for the next one."

"For what it's worth Tessa, I hope that through these sessions you both figure things out. There's been too much between you to let go so easily."

She gives her a nod before walking out of her office and out of the building, seeing Scott leaning against his car waiting for her.

She leans up alongside him. Putting her head on his shoulder before whispering. "You were finally mine, Scott Moir."

"Being yours was never the problem Tessa." When she doesn't speak he continues. "Being yours has never been our problem. Our problem is you've never let yourself be mine."

She leans away from him, pulling her head up off his shoulder. "I've made a right mess of things haven't I?"

"We both have, and I just... I want you to know that I don't blame you Tess. I've fucked up my fair share of all of this too, but just so you know. I could never blame you."

She feels tears prick up in the corner of her eyes and she can't help but feel like most of this is her fault. If she would just be a little more open, if she didn't care about what people always thought about her.

"I'm sorry about that kiss in the hospital Scott. It wasn't fair to you or to Emily, or to put you in that position."

"I've already told her about it Tess. She knows. She doesn't get it, but she gets it. If you know what I mean. She knows you were in shock, that I was familiar, that we have a history. It won't be happening again obviously-."

"Obviously." She says back, her heart clenching in her chest.

He gestures for her to get in and she rounds the front of the car, hopping in the front seat.

"We'll get through this together Tess."

"Together." She replies quietly. Her eyes scanning the street and trying to figure out how they'll get through anything at all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I promise the angst will slow in the next few chapters. Not this one, but soon!

“Come on Tessa, focus."

"I'm trying."

"No, you're overthinking this."

Dr. Barton's voice echoed in the small room. After their sideshow in their last therapy session, she thought it might be more productive if they did a split between joint sessions and individual ones.

"I want to get a better read on what you both hope to get out of this," she says.

She’s in a foul, tired mood and trying to imagine anything past next week is irritating her.

"I'm not asking for a play by play of your future dreams Ms. Virtue. What I'm asking for is for you to try and envision it. What do you want? Who do you see yourself with? Will you move to a bigger city? A smaller one? Go back to school?"

"I see myself getting married in the next few years," she whispers, her eyes still closed. "He'll have a good sense of humor and be great with kids. We'll co-parent of course, but he'll have to cook because I'm absolutely terrible at it. I want to go back to school, but maybe do some coaching on the side. He has to like ice skating, it doesn't matter if he isn't good at it or doesn't know a lot about it, but he needs to at least try it with me from time to time. I think I want to stay in Montreal for the time being, but maybe go back to London when the dust of my crazy life settles. It's so nice and quiet there. It allows me to think."

"And out of all of what you just described, how much of that do you think is possible to find in another person, in life as a whole?"

 _100 percent_ , she thinks, but doesn't say aloud. The man already exists and she let him slip through her fingers.  
  
"I don't know if anything is certain in life Dr. Barton, I just know that I'm not willing to settle for less than what I want."

"Mhm." She mumbles, scribbling some more words down on her paper. "I find that rather interesting."

"Why's that?" She can't help but ask.

"Because when I asked Scott the same question he simply said. "On the back porch at my house in Ilderton, watching my children play in the back yard."

She can’t remember the last time she'd seen Scott's house. Probably right after he'd finished it. Him and Emily hadn't even moved into it they'd bought a new one once they got married, which she thought was kind of weird. It just sort of sat vacant with some of Scott's stuff in it.

"Scott has always wanted to live in that house."

"Odd that he didn't once mention his wife in our session, or you for that matter."

Tessa doesn't know if Dr. Barton is goading her, but she won't fall for it.

"Scott has a lot on his mind right now, him and Emily are good, our coaching is improving, even with my limited mobility on the ice. Things are good since you've last seen us both."

All things considered, she's not entirely lying when she says she’s doing much better than she was during their last session. She still doesn’t sleep much, but she’s learned to accept it and finds ways to fill the time she finds her mind wandering in the early hours.

She’s still currently feeling the strain of not talking about "it" with Scott, the fact that Scott is married and not to her, and the stress that at some point soon, he's going to have children with someone else and she's just going to have to live with it. It all would hurt a whole hell of a lot less if she hadn't seen what they could have become. Now looking at him all the time was causing an ache in her chest.

"It's okay to be upset Tessa."

"I'm not upset."

"I was hesitant at first when I saw you two together to ask, but now I feel like I've got enough of a base with you to try and understand your dynamic. I don't want you to think that I'm overstepping when I ask."

For the first time since Tessa has met her, Dr. Barton sounds nervous.

"You and Scott seem very intertwined."

"We've been together for the better part of almost three decades."

"But not together."

"Not in the conventional way, since he got married."

"And that's what I feel I need to ask. Not with judgment, but to try and understand. You aren't having an affair in the physical sense am I correct?"

"Correct?" Tessa whispers.

"But, by the way you talk of one another, it's clear there are still underlying feelings there. Feelings that I do not believe are one-sided."

"But he's married."

"And life is complicated."

"I would never ask Scott to cheat on his wife with me."

"That's not what I'm implying at all Ms. Virtue. I'm saying that by leaning on one another for everything for so long. You both have defaulted into being each other's person, even when you fall into other outside relationships. That line that would conventionally exist, doesn't in your case."

"So, what? We just stop being friends."

"Quite the opposite. I think, that in order for you both to move on with your lives you have to allow each other to grow with other individuals without constantly going to each other to discuss it there is a difference between friendship and partnership."

"We have an open line of communication, that's kind of always been our thing."

"Scott said something similar."

"I just, if I find someone I want to be able to talk to him about them, and when something is happening with Emily, he usually talks about with me."

"I think that at some point you will get back to that Tessa, but right now, it isn't conducive to either of you to keep moving on this trajectory you both are on."

"So... no more couples therapy?" Tessa asks hopefully.

"Nice try, in here is the one place I do want you to talk. In a controlled environment, where you both can't redirect the conversation the way you want it to go."

"Then what should I do until then?" She asks quietly.

"Go about living your life Tessa, you've been given a second chance. Use it."

She spends the rest of the afternoon curled up on her couch crying, wanting to tell Scott about how awful she feels, but knowing that's exactly what she shouldn't be doing.

\------

Her next few weeks are spent in a blur of blind dates over coffee and drinks after dinner. All the while relaying the information to Jordan who keeps telling her one of these guys will stick.

"I think love ruined me Jordan."

"Tessa you're being dramatic."

"No, I genuinely think that it is ruined because I've seen how good love can be, and every single one of these guys is falling short."

"You had time to fall in love with Scott hun, you have to give some of these guys time too."

 _Speak of the devil_ , Tessa says looking down at her phone to see Scott's name flashing across her screen.

"You going to answer that?" Jordan asks her cheekily.

"If it's important he'll leave a message."

"Ah, playing hard to get."

"Not playing hard to anything, but I just realized the time and I'm supposed to be at my regular coffee shop for a third coffee date with this guy named Max, who may or may not have the potential to be the love of my life."

"Atta girl." Jordan taps her on the shoulder, "Go get him."

\------  
  
She should have known better than to test fate the way she had. No way would it be fair or kind to her. Which is how she finds herself having a perfectly normal conversation with Max, when she sees Emily and Scott walking hand in hand into the shop. Her reflexes make her want to duck her head, not that she has anything to hide from.

It takes about ten seconds for them to see her. Her heart racing as they make their way over to her table.

"Tessa." Emily says quietly as Scott looks between her and Max.

"Uh, hey guys what's up?"

"I tried getting a hold of you earlier, but you didn't pick up, now I see you were busy." Tessa would be more irritated by his tone if she didn't feel such a sense of _now you know what it feels like_ , radiating off of herself.

"Oh, right, umm this is Max, and uh, this is Emily and Scott. My skating partner and his wife."

 _Oh dear God_ , did she just refer to Scott as her skating partner, and not her friend at least? What in the fresh hell was wrong with her?

"It's nice to finally meet you," Max whispers without missing a beat, "I've already heard so much about you."

"And we've heard nothing about you." Scott mutters under his breath. So quiet Tessa isn't even quite sure she heard it.

"Scott, baby. Clearly we're interrupting something here. We should let them be yeah?" Emily says, giving Tessa that one smile. The one that says I'm sorry were intruding on your thing, we'll just leave.

"Yeah, sure." Scott murmurs. Giving them one last glance before they turn towards the counter order their coffee and leave the shop just as quickly as they came.

"Funny guy," Max chuckles, watching them leave too.

"He's just a little protective. Like a big brother."

_Liar. Liar. Pants on fire._

"I get it. I know you've know each other forever. It only makes sense that he cares about you."

"I'm glad you're so understanding," she smiles with clenched teeth.

\------

Later that night when Scott calls her again she actually picks up the phone.

"We’re taking on too much on Saturday.”

"Well, hello to you too."

"Hi, Tess."

And just like that, her insides are goo.

"We've got to coach, practice ourselves, have that gala dinner, and then skate in front of all those people waiting to sign those big hefty checkbooks for the kids skating club. I think it's too much."

"I'm hardly doing half the things I used to on the ice Scott, I think we'll be okay."

“Why don't you come Friday, and we can practice then. Coach Saturday morning, shmooze with the big wigs and then do our performance. It's not all that different I just don't want you to wear yourself out."

“That'll be perfect,” Tessa says as silence fills the line, waiting for him to speak. "Scott, talk to me? What’s up?”

She can feel his mind churning through the phone, but he hesitates a bit longer before replying.

“It’s been a long week. I just wanted to hear your voice earlier and then... I guess I wasn't expecting what I saw in the coffee shop. I always knew the day would come, but it doesnt make it any easier."

She lets her eyes close, taking a deep breath and she starts talking softly, "I know what you mean."

"Why didn't you tell me you were seeing someone."

"Define seeing."

"Tess."

"It's still so new and we're trying this new thing where we don't tell each other every little thing so I thought.-"

"You thought you didn't need to tell me."

"I guess."

"It's okay, like I said, I just wasn't expecting it was all, and I don't really have the right to be mad."

When they go through that Saturday everything about them feels stilted. The way they stand together at the gala, the way they are functioning, but not fluid on the ice, and their coaching, even that suffers too.

When they go to therapy the following week, it's like all the progress they've made falls apart.

\------

She’s sitting across from Max, drinking a cup of coffee when she realizes she is never going to be able to move on from him. Not fully. Max's smile doesn't brighten up his face the right way, and his hair is just a shade too light and he has this nasal laugh that she just knows will get on her nerves over time. He isn't Scott and that is a problem for two reasons. Scott is spoken for, and she won't ever find the one by constantly comparing them to Scott.

Going over to Jordan's to vent feels like a death march. It’s all her fault. She can’t believe she'd been so stupid. After all the progress they'd made was her bringing up old shit worth it? Sure, she'd been able to say she didn't trust him and he'd been able to say that he always thought she didn't really love him the way he loved her, it had been honest, but worth it?

She knows the answer. No. It had not been worth it. They had left therapy that day, separately. Him not saying more that two words to her.

Finally being able to say she didn't trust him and letting that off her chest had not been worth putting their friendship on the line. Years of sweat and tears as they reached their goals both together and separately had not been worth that.

But.  
But, she saw the look in his eyes when she whispered that she didn't trust him the way she used to. She remembers how it felt when he sounded broken as he whispered he didn't think she'd really loved him at all. Like a tiny thousand daggers had embedded their way under her skin. And she remembered how they'd been before all of this.

Before he'd been married, before they decided on another olympics. God, they were so wrapped up in one another. How could he have ever thought she didn't love him? Her whole life was him and them.

She'd never wanted anyone the way she'd wanted him. She felt alive when he'd sweep her up in his arms, when he'd spin her round and round on the ice until she was dizzy. He made her feel free and then he'd taken that away from her. Or maybe it was her fault.

Dr. Barton said that it wasn't about placing blame on one party or the other, but to own up to what you know is on you. That by acknowledging the pain you've inflicted on another, you can face the underlying issue rather than brushing over it.

He murmured that he understood how by moving on with someone else after they agreed to wait for one another would feel like a breach of trust and that he should have said something more when he knew he didn't like the original agreement. He should have told her he felt that she trying to keep them a secret for the wrong reasons.

She hardly remembers the way she told him how she felt when she felt it. That she understood how by asking him to keep waiting it felt like she was stringing him along. How by asking him to keep them a secret she felt ashamed that they'd been a thing without anyone knowing and she was the one pushing for it to stay that way.

But she didn't know how he could ever think that she didn't love him as much as he loved her. How when her legs were wrecked she kept skating past the point she should have because she didn't want to disappoint him. How after she had surgery and he didn't visit she came back to practice because she loved him and wanted to see him. How after practice they'd sit in his truck and he'd kiss her like she was the most fragile thing on earth and she'd laugh because she wanted him to stop holding back and he would tease her. That truck was the first place he told her he loved her, and she wanted to say it back so badly, but she kept thinking about her legs, and their skating, and their friendship and thought that they could be a thing and they could skate. But they needed to separate the two. And she told him how sorry she was.

_God I'm so sorry that you thought that meant I didn't love you. I think I loved you the first time you held my hand on that ice when I was seven years old and I never stopped._

He didn't have much to say after that. Other than he appreciated her honesty and that it was a lot to process. That he was trying his best to let her go, but was having a hard time with it, which she understood. He didn't say he loved her back this time though. Didn't use the word love at all.

  
When she saw him in her dream that night she tried to tell him.

 _You're not mine to love now, not in this lifetime anyway_.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry please don't hate me. I swear it's not over yet.

They're helping Alma set up for the kids Spring showcase at the rink when it happens.

Alma needs Scott's help with something or other in her office and suddenly she finds herself alone with Emily.

It shouldn't be weird, but it is. Because this Emily is not anything like the one she learned to care about. This Emily is a stranger and this Emily also knows that she kissed her husband.

It's all incredibly complicated and awkward.

She's taping up a few stray flyers thinking she's going to escape unscathed before...

"He isn't sleeping Tess."

The name doesn't sound quite right coming from her here. It isn't as kind as the other Emily.

"Okay?" She says evenly, even though her heart is racing.

"He hasn't been sleeping since you guys went to therapy last week. Whatever you said, whatever happened. Fix it."

"I didn't do anything," she lied. It wasn't so much a half truth, rather she didn't know how to fix anything.

"I want my husband back. My Scott back."

 _He was never your Scott_ , she thinks but doesn't say it aloud.

"Have you tried talking to him? Asked him what was going on."

"Obviously, and he's being pretty tight lipped and curt about it which means something happened."

"Nothing happened, we just sort of had it out and there was some shit to work through. We dealt with it and we're moving forward."

Tessa can feel Emily assessing her and it takes everything in her not to roll her eyes.

"Are you ever going to let him go?"

"Excuse me?"

"This game of catch and release that's on an endless loop, will you ever stop?"

"I let Scott go when he met you."

"No, Tessa. No you really didn't. You were always present. Always in the background. That single what if."

"I can't help that we've known each other for so long, that we have history."

"You know how hurt he was when he met me?"

She feels her heart beating even faster.

"We ran into each other at a bar. My fiance had just dumped me and you, well I still don't know what you did, but he was so hurt. And in love with you. Even then I saw that. We had a nice chat, and honestly I realized that I wanted to keep talking to him after that. We were friends before anything else happened. I genuinely enjoyed his company."

"He has a way with people," Tessa whispers. Eager to hear more of this story Scott would never tell her.

"Then one night by the time I got to the bar he was already pretty wasted. Going on and on about how you wouldn't be with him, but would flirt with Jacob. Right in front of him, tease him. Whatever. _She used to do that with me._ That's what he'd whispered to me."

Tess wracked her brain for any man named Jacob in the last five years that she might have ever flirted with, and then it clicked. They had a choreographer for a brief period whom Tessa had found through a friend. He was passionate and had vision and she just knew he'd be perfect for another friend of hers. Not her, she wouldn't have even entertained the idea for a second.

"It wasn't like that," she said aloud, shaking herself from the memory. "I was trying to set him up with a friend of mine. I just thought it was funny teasing him about it. They're married now. Scott knows they're married now."

"Well Scott never saw it that way at the time. He kept rambling about how difficult it was to find someone who listened and could hold a conversation. Someone who cared about him. He was so drunk, but I remember him pausing, gazing at me with heavy lidded eyes. You always listen to me Emily, he whispered. And then he kissed me. I didn't know what to think at first. He was nice and funny and passionate, but he was also clearly really into someone else."

When Tessa doesn't say anything she continues.

"We didn't talk about the incident the next time we hung out. I didn't know if he remembered and I didn't want to be the one to bring it up. So, I was fairly surprised when two weeks later he asked me out on a date. A proper date. I told him I didn't want to be a second place prize to anyone and he said I wouldn't be. We kept going out and I kept falling in love with him, and sometimes he looked at me like I hung the moon, but then he'd look at you. I realized way too late that he would always love you. Even if he did love me, he would always love you too."

"I'm sorry," she says and she means it. She never meant for any of this to happen.

"I'm not angry that he loves you Tessa, I'm angry that you keep hurting him. The second you send any kind of signal that he has some kind of chance it's like this light radiates off him, but then you toss him aside again and I'm left to pick up his dead and broken pieces."

"What are you saying?"

"That if you don't plan on fixing things with Scott I'm asking you to please leave. Because it kills me the way it hurts him. And as much as you love him, you've never done a single thing about it. So, why keep giving him hope. Do you even want him?"

"This is my home." Tessa says, sidestepping her question.

Emily nods, as if she knows she's not going to get through to her. "I know that Tessa, but if you keep doing this. You keep stringing him along with empty promises and broken words. You won't have him to come home to."

Alma and Scott choose that exact moment to come back and Tessa knows Scott can see the tension between her and Emily. So, when she makes a quick getaway throwing out the first excuse she can think of, he lets it slide and doesn't question her. Just tells her he'll see her at the recital later that night.

When she shows up late, just before their supposed to go on he gives her one of his many looks. She tries to ignore the way his eyes look concerned as he gives her the once over. He raises an eyebrow in a silent question. She shakes her head brushing him off before they find their places at the side of the rink ready to go on.

He reaches for her hand out of instinct, and she's struck by how correct Dr. Barton was about their dynamic. They're so entwined with one another that they don't even realize it sometimes. Second nature takes over. She feels a slight panic thinking about the fact that one day, they won't be doing this anymore. But then Scott gives her hand a tiny squeeze and she takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and straightens up.

They still don't skate like they used to. Her edges aren't as clean and she finds the muscles in her legs become fatigued more easily, but Scott has enough sheer drive for the both of them. When they take the ice they transform, she finds herself melting under his fingertips. Moving with the music.

It isn't until they go into a lift that she feels something is wrong. A mere second passes and she finds herself falling, unable to catch her balance. For the first time in their entire career, Scott doesn't catch her.

  
\-----

 

He apologizes profusely, not understanding what happened, her going up one second and losing her the next. She tries to comfort him, but he's so keyed up she knows no words from her will be enough.

"I always catch you Tess." He says quietly on the car ride back to her house. He'd insisted on bringing her home. Worried that she might have a concussion. Paranoid about her previous head injury and coma. Her arms caught most of her fall to be honest. She could feel the bruises that would appear on her arms in the morning. The physical pain would subside. The mental pain would take longer.

He may not know what happened but she does. They aren't in sync the way they used to be. A small fissure has been making its way into their lives has now become a full fledge crack. They've been treating the symptoms not the disease. And they'd become this sickly thing.

He helps her into the house and onto her couch before asking for what seems the hundredth time if she needs him to spend the night.

"Scott, I've already told you. I'm okay. Okay?"

"But you aren't okay."

"Yes, I am. Yes, you dropped me and it sucks and it's never happened before, but it happens. All the time."

"Things like that don't happen to us Tessa."

She's so frustrated that he doesn't see it, or maybe he does and just doesn't care enough to say it.

"Scott, I think it's safe to say lots of things have been happening to us that don't normally happen to us."

His brow furrows, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think. No, I know that we need a break. From skating, from each other, just for a little while."

"Tess if this is about our last therapy session..."

"Can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me that you love me right now? That after all the things that have happened and where we ended up that you don't resent me even a little bit?"

When he doesn't answer her she continues, "Because I do... love you Scott, despite everything, regardless of the outcome and how much we've hurt each other. I love you and I know you understand how hard that is for me to say, but I see the way you look at me now. You look at me with a distance in your eyes and I don't know how to fix it."

"Tessa, you have to understand. I have responsibilities now. Things I can't just walk away from. We made our choices and there are days that I want nothing more than to go back to the start of this and do things differently, but that's not real life."

She laughs, but it's an ugly sound, she hardly recognizes the sound as her. "Like I said, you can't even say it."

"Tess."

"It's crazy the way the tables have turned."

"We can keep coaching, and skating, why do things have to change?"

"Because I don't think this is one of those things that we just bounce back from Scott. We mess everything up as soon as we step off the ice. I mess things up. You mess things up."

"It's different this time. I can fix this."

"We keeps saying that, but is it? I put other things in my life ahead of you again and again."

"I broke my promise." He whispers.

"We should have never made that promise. I should not have forced that issue. It wasn't fair to either of us. It was a ticking time bomb."

"You really do love me don't you." His voice sounding child-like.

"I do," she says quietly, reaching for his hand. "That's why I think, letting you go would be better. I'd stop hurting you so much. You'd stop hurting me. I'd just stop hurting."

"I can take it, you hurting me." He says giving her hand a tight squeeze.

"You shouldn't have to."

"I don't know what my life would be like without you in it Tessa."

"I can't bear the thought that I could hurt you a million times over if I mess things up this time. I don't want you to throw away someone who loves you and has been there for someone who couldn't even say it out loud until a few minutes ago."

"So, what do we do?" He asks quietly.

"I'm going to move."

"Tessa-."

"No, listen Scott. Your whole life is here. Your family, your job, your house. I won't take another thing away from you."

"This is insane."

"I need some air, something new. Some distance probably. I think that would make things easier for me."

The look he gives her breaks her heart a little, but she knows the distance will help things. They've spent too much time trying to fix everything that they didn't get they were never going to be able to go back. He may not see it now, but she was doing him a favor.

It isn't long until he's sitting next to her, shoulder to shoulder. Her head leaning into him, their hands intertwined.

"We can't be each other's number one anymore." He whispers quietly, finally grasping what happening between them.

"Virtue and Moir," she says slowly, and the words taste bittersweet on her tongue. "The most decorated ice dancers in the history of figure skating."

"The greatest ice dancers of all time." He chimes in.

"We were something." She smiles.

"On top of the world for a second there," he says and she catches his smile in her peripheral.

"I think you were my something good Scott Moir."

"And you were always too good for me Tessa Jane McCormick Virtue."

He's wrong, but she doesn't say it because she doesn't want to argue anymore. And sitting there in her small living room, surrounded by the memories of the two of them feels peaceful.

She knows leaving is going to hurt him as much as it hurts her. But if they're ever going to move forward they have to untangle themselves from each other.

  
\------

  
She almost doesn't tell him when she's leaving. The thought of having to say goodbye too much to deal with. She didn't know what she's more afraid of that he'd chase after her or that he wouldn't.

Which is how she finds herself about to hop on a plane with one Scott Patrick Moir as her ride to the airport. She tells him he can just drop her off, and he insists on parking and helping her get her stuff inside and seeing her off.

When they reach the counter and he can't go any farther he leans in for a hug. Slowly, she feels them center themselves into complete silence. She would miss this. She knew she would miss this, but she also knew she couldn't stay and watch Scott live his life and not go on living hers.

She's the one who steps away first. Her hand going up to brush the stray tear in her eye.

Tessa tries not to look at him one last time but fails. Patting his cheek lightly before picking up her bags and walking toward her new life.

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less angst I guess? I think you'll be happy to know this story is sort of winding down, I would guess no more than 6 chapters. Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

 

_She spends the next 6 months actively avoiding any news about Scott Moir._

 

 

She drowns herself in the literal rain of England that leaves a constant gray cloud in its wake. But it calms her for some reason.

She goes to the dance studio down the street from her apartment five days a week to teach classes to young kids all the way to elderly couples and her heart feels warm.

Not complete, not perfect, but enough.

  
She's in the library when her Mom texts her about coming back to the cabin in the summer and she texts back that of course she'd be there for a week or so.

She grabs her coat and keys and walks over to the exit, realizing she doesn't want to just text her mom, she wants to talk to her. That's the problem with living halfway around the world. You lack that constant human connection from the people you love most.

She stands outside her place until she grows cold and the rain starts to really come down. She enters her front hallway before laying flat on her back staring up at the ceiling.

  
Tessa dials her mother without a second thought, knowing that whatever strange funk she's feeling, her mother can help her out of it.

"Hey honey."

"Hey mom."

"Tess honey, what's wrong?"

"Why does something have to be wrong for me to call you?"

"It's your tone, I can feel the nervous energy radiating through the phone."

She feels nauseas and sad and irritated, that her mom can read her so easily.

"I just. When you texted about the cabin it made me miss home."

“Of course you miss home, everyone you love is here. You need to make some new friends over there. Boyfriend maybe." She tacks it on like a second thought.

Tessa would be lying if she said she hadn't tried dating over here. The accents, the impeccable manners, but it didnt change things. Her heart knew what being in love felt like. The flutter in her stomach and she hadn't found someone over here who made her feel even a quarter of what she had before.

"I've made some friends with some ladies from the studio."

"Yeah," her mom says, and she swears she can see her smiling through the phone.

"I'm just adjusting still I think, and I just... I miss the calmness of home sometimes."

"You can always come back, you know that right?"

"Not, yet." _Maybe not ever._ She still spends an extraordinary amount of time on the phone with Dr. Barton working through her many issues and she knows the second she steps foot on home soil it will all go to shit.

"Im still working through things here mom."

"You'll come back someday though, right Tessa?"

"Probably yeah. I just know that right now, and the way I left things with some people it would just be too hard."

"Oh, speaking of, I meant to tell you, but didn't know how.-"

The line disconnects before Tessa can ask what she means. She thinks about calling her back, but if it's that important her mom will call her later.

 

  
\-----

 

  
She spends the next few weeks in a haze of lessons and helping some couples work towards a ballroom competition coming up. It makes her focus on something other than her own life for a bit.

This couple she's watching has been married almost fifty years and they've know each other for over seventy. They decided on some mixed piano arrangement of Hallelujah, and Tessa cannot deny all the old feelings it drags up, good and bad.

It’s nice watching people she knows, but doesn't know that well dance the way they do. She also cannot deny that it’s a bit painful because they dance in a way you only can when you know someone's body a certain way.

When they get into position she knows that this, this is what it looks like when people belong together. They haven’t even begun to dance and it already feels… electric, regardless of their age. Like this is a quiet dance between them and she just happens to be there watching.

She takes a moment to stop watching their posture and movements and focuses on the man's expression, the way he’s looking at his wife. Like she is adored. She is his sunlight. And then Tessa looks at the woman and sees she's looking at him like he’s the brightest star in her night sky.

She feels the tightness in her chest and tries swallowing the lump in her throat, but the music keeps moving and she finds the whole thing rather captivating. She's doesn't want to blink and miss a moment of this.

She wants to know which one chose the song, and where they learned to dance so beautifully. They may have been taking a few lessons with her, but nothing that would make them move like this.

Every small gesture, each detail, is filled with care. When Tessa finally blinks, she feels tears rolling down her face. By the time the music begins to fade they're so close to one another and their faces say it all.

They're both lost in the moment, staring at each other, smiling. Yeah, this is too much for Tessa to handle, but it's not like she can just leave. She wipes the tears from her face and claps for them so they see the tears are good. They're good.

It takes her by surprise, but she feels a sense of peace in knowing that this is what people meant when they used to tell her this is what her and Scott looked like together when they took the ice. Like they were one.

She spends an hour on the phone that night talking to Dr. Barton about the entire lesson.

 

\-----

 

Her mom takes a few days to call her back, but when she does it's with news that she doesn't expect.

"Scott's selling his house."

"Oh."

"I know we agreed not to talk about him, and I know you're moving forward with your life, but I thought you'd want to know."

She did and she didn't. It was one of the last pieces of them that he could get rid of. She wanted to call him and ask him why. Wanted to tell him he had no right, but really she didn't have a say in it anymore.

"No, I'm glad you told me."

"I don't think he's trying to hurt you Tessa. I just think he's trying to move forward the same way you are."

_By selling what he made for the two of us?_

Is what she wants to say, but instead goes with, "Scott would never hurt me intentionally Mom, I know that. But. I think I'm going to go. I've had a long day and this is just a lot."

"Okay hon, you know if you need anything I'm just a call away."

"Just a call," she smiles into the phone before ending the conversation with a tap.

She almost feels pathetic that night, dreaming of his hands on her, him cradling her face between his fingers like she was something precious and breakable. His hands had touched her in places no one else ever had.

Someday, he whispered into her neck. Someday this place will be ours. We'll have that big claw tub that you always wanted. That master bedroom with the king sized bed that we never have to leave.

She reaches her fingers up to his lips to silence him. And even after all this time, even in her dreams she’s still his, still pathetically his. In all the ways that matter.

When she wakes up she tries not to think about his hands marking Emily. Touching her in the way he used to touch Tessa. Kissing her lips and giving away his heart to someone who wasn't her. It's that moment that Tessa realizes the reason she can't heal is because Scott will always be a part of her and she's been acting like he doesn't exist.

  
\-----

  
Dr. Barton helped her come up with a simple compromise with herself. Old-fashioned letter. No worry of hurt words being exchanged in the heat of the moment. She would be able to articulate exactly what she wanted before sending it, and if or when he decided to write back, he would have the opportunity to do the same. Part of her wonders if the reason he never tried contacting her was because he was done with her, but another part told her she's the one who told him they needed a clean break.

When she sends out the letter she thinks it says enough for now:

 

 

_Hey Scott,_

_I promised myself that I wouldn't initiate any unnecessary contact and that we agreed on a pretty clean break, but I just got off the phone with my mom and heard some pretty upsetting news._

_I can't believe you're selling your house. That was your baby, you put so much work into and our history aside it kind of breaks my heart that you're letting it go. I know I have no right, but please tell me it's not true._

_London, is lovely by the way. It isn't Canada, but what place could ever be? You'll be happy to hear I still regularly speak to Dr. Barton. I'm making great self-reflective progress and understanding what I want out of life Scott. I'm working at a dance studio and it's. Everything. Some of these kids, I look at them and see so much potential and then there's this ballroom dancing class on the weekends where these cute little old couples come to dance for a few hours and it would melt your heart._

_I want to be able to share this with you. Not attempting to drag you back in or lawd anything over you, but just to let you know I'm okay. I'm okay and I miss talking to you sometimes._

_Please don't sell the house._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Tessa_

 

 

She'd be lying if she said she didn't wait by her mailbox some mornings hoping for a letter. It took nearly two weeks before she recognized his chicken scratch writing across a simple envelope. Opening it up, her heart still sank at the words.

 

  
_Hey Tess,_

_Getting your letter was a bit of a shock if I'm being honest. A surprise, but a welcome one. I'm glad London is treating you well, and I'm sure those kids are giving you a run for your money. I can practically see the smile on your face from here._

_Im not sure how to explain Canada without you in it or what this is, but I feel… Lost somehow. I think about your laugh Tessa, your real laugh, the one that I haven't heard in years, but I can still remember the sound._

_And I took that for granted. You for granted. Our friendship for granted. You trusted me with your secrets and I'm not that person for you anymore. I'm not your best friend anymore and I'm so jealous over who will be one day. Because before I did all these things I still knew that I was your person, and even though I had Emily, I knew I was still your person. That at the end of the day I was your guy._

_It took a lot of strength to write to me Tess. I've come up with a hundred excuses for why I didn't write you first, but it all boiled down to being worried that you wouldn't write back. Because I don't know if I could bear that._

_You'll be happy to know I've spent a large chunk of time in therapy taking stock of my life at present and it took a lot of outside guidance to understand what I did to you Tessa. I saw how it hurt you and I looked the other way. Pretended I didn't see it. That was never fair to you and it certainly wasn't fair to Emily._  
  
_Your letter gave me a small sliver of hope in that beyond small pleasantries, you'll let me be in your life in various degrees. Because I still need you, and you'll always be one of the best parts of me. If I recall we didn't agree on the clean break, but you wanted it and I just wanted you to be happy._

_You don't have to do anything because you think it will make me happy, but the more I think about it the more I think I may not be what you need right now, and we may not be able to be each other's number 1, but after all of the shit we've been through and put ourselves through I think that should mean something._

_And as for your question about the house, I just don't have the heart to keep it I don't think. I don't want to live in a place remodeled for the two of us and have to be reminded of that constantly. It'd be weird. Admit it, you think it'd be weird too. Don't worry though, I won't sell it to anyone less than an exemplary family. My realtor has strict requirements in that regard. I've got standards. You more than anyone know that._

_  
With warmest regards,_

_Scott_

 

 

She rereads the words until she could quote it verbatim.

 

_Because I need you, and you'll always be one of the best parts of me._

  
Her heart felt full for a moment, and she began to write another letter.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post one really long chapter, but decided to split it into 2 when the second half of this grew to be too long. Next update will be longer... Promise.

And she wonders quite stunned how Scott could just pick up his life and move to Montreal.

What about Emily?

Or his family?

Or everything?

And she thinks for a split second that she could jump in the way Dr. Barton said she would need to. She could buy the house, as one last gesture. One last this is it. If him and Emily had split and he was fleeing to another city, this would be the one thing she knew he would understand.

But the thought was fleeting and short sighted. This letter writing thing was new. Them getting what they want to say out in the open was new. Jumping the gun is what constantly gets them into these messes in the first place.

_Dear Scott,_

_I guess you're right. Keeping the house would be kind of weird, full disclosure selling it would probably hurt a whole lot less than you and Emily moving into it. It's not that I don't like her. She's actually a lovely person and very protective of you. Which is something I learned right before I left, but it would be hard to know that she would be getting the one thing that you and I had specifically worked toward. So thank you, for being considerate of that._

_Now take me for example, I have lived here in London for a few months, but can't seem to find a forever home. Every time I think about buying a piece of property to call my own I panic. What if something happens to my mom. What if Jordan wants me closer to home. What if. What if. What if. I keep thinking that this place is exactly what I needed, but it isn't home, you know?_

_But when I dance in the studio, it nothing like when we were on the ice together but... I feel it so intensely Scott. Down in my bones and I just feel so weightless. No one staring at me and critiquing my every move, picking apart my costume, or judging my weight with a glance. Dancing in that small studio makes me feel unbreakable Scott, and being able to teach that to some of these kids is. Something beyond explanation._

_But enough about me. You, I want to hear about you. And the coaching and Danny and Charlie and Alma. How's the Moir clan that I love so much?_

_Love, Tess._

 

She puts the letter in the mail and only freaks a little bit after she sends it. It feels raw putting some of what's in her head to paper, but Dr. Barton advised honesty and so she went with honest.

Tessa spends the rest of her week at the studio, spending a ridiculous amount of time helping some of the younger class prep for their spring recital. The last sessions before summer break.

She considers going home in July for a bit. She could stay at the cabin for Canada's Independence Day. Tessa could see her family that she misses more than anything, but it's a slippery slope going back there. She doesn't want to fall into old habits because they're easy.

Tessa calls her mom that night and asks her what she thinks about the whole thing.

"Tessa honey you know we'd love to have you home, and if you've got some time off obviously that would be, wonderful."

"I sense a But coming."

"But after all this progress you've made. I worry about you sometimes, is all."

"I'd just go to the cabin, no where else. Just the cabin."

"If that's what you want."

It was, she realized with a surety she couldn't explain. Just the idea of being on her home continent had already made her feel ease. She could go home without making a huge thing of it."

"Are you going to tell Scott?"

"I don't think so." She isn't going to. Not because she's trying to hurt him, but because this one trip needs to be for her.

"Okay, well when you get the flight details ironed out send them to me. Jordan will probably be the one picking you up as she's been dying to see you."

"I will Mom... I think it will be good to see everyone. I miss you all so much."

"We miss you too sweetheart."

She feels the tears beginning to prick up in her eyes, but doesn't want her Mom to hear her crying, so she starts to end the conversation, "Mom, I can't wait to see you, but I've actually go to go now okay?"

"Okay Tess. We'll see you soon hunny."

  
It figures that she'd get a letter back from Scott the day she leaves for home. She decides against opening it right this second, throwing it in her purse to read on the plane instead.

She finds the whole thing rather funny. Wanting to be so far from home, but at the same time constantly longing for it. Wanting separation from Scott, but still needing his presence in some way. She's a masochist probably, but he's so ingrained into her that the idea of never speaking to him again is absurd. That's why their taking small steps. Rebuilding their friendship. Their partnership, and maybe then she can stand to be near him and Emily without feeling a sharp pain in her chest.

Getting on the plane is relatively simple and once they take off she finds herself fishing the letter out of her purse. Tearing it open carefully, eyes roaming over the words.

_Tess,_

_You know if I could help it I would never do anything to purposely hurt you. I know I can be impulsive and reckless with lots of things, but I don't mean to be. I would never have moved Emily into that house, and I hope you know that._

_As for her being protective of me, I'm curious what transpired before you left that had you feeling that way. If she came across as protective I can only assume it was out of jealously that I caused by constantly putting you ahead of her in my life. That was not on her and definitely not on you. Just one of the many things I'm learning I fucked up._

_As for making London your forever home, I may be biased, but if something doesn't feel right maybe it's your gut telling you it isn't. I'm not saying Canada is your place, but maybe London simply isn't. That's something that I think you will take some time to figure out._

_I can only imagine you teaching classes in a studio T. I bet you're completely in your element. You remember when you used to help Ms. Boon with the under 5's at the studio over in London? She's retiring you know. It's crazy to think she's old enough to retire, time really flies like that sometimes._

_As far as my life goes, coaching is coaching. Marie wants me back up in Montreal to help "oversee" some of the new pairs teams as soon as I can get over there, but I'm more consulting that anything else. The kind of commitment required to be a full time coach is something I don't think I have the time for right now. I don't really see myself living in Montreal. I don't really see myself living anywhere._

_But Danny and Charlie are great. The kids are adorable and growing like weeds. My mom keeps asking me when she's going to get a few grandkids from me and frankly, I don't have an answer for her. So, you know, the usual._

_I hope everything else besides the house hunting is going good for you Tess. I miss not having you around, but I'm damn happy that you're happy over there._

_  
Love, Scott._

  
Her heart beats a little bit faster and she glances around at the two people on either side of her. Feeling as if they're watching her read the letter, judging her. Let them judge, she thinks. Taking a small piece of paper out of her purse, beginning to scribble down her next letter.

  
\------

 

She spends the next week soaking up the sun on Lake Huron with Jordan never far from her side. The letter written back to him safely tucked away in her luggage.

It feels rather odd to not be so plugged into the world, but she'd rather not be when she's out at the cottage.

"So, you're really do this thing yeah?"

"And what's that?" Tessa asks, lowering her sunglasses to look at her sister.

"Life sans one Scott Patrick Moir."

"I guess, yeah."

"It's too bad you guys couldn't work things out Tess, you were a good team."

She doesn't have it in her to tell her about the letters, not when things are so fragile, not when her mother walks around eggshells any time Jordan says Scott's name. Her Mom knows about the letters, mostly that they've kept a small correspondence, but she sees the looks they give each other behind her back. She understands that they worry, but she's past that now. At least she's trying to be.

"I kind of love what I'm doing now though too." She smiles.

"You always said dancing was your first love."

She just wishes that were enough.

 

\------

 

The more she spent time with Jordan the more she felt the inevitable conversation was coming, much as she knew she wouldn't enjoy it. She almost squeaked by, being cornered the night before she was supposed to go back to her new normal.

"You regret not telling Scott you're back?"

"I'm not back Jordan."

She huffs at that, clearly not caring about the specifics.

"Tessa, you're running from something, and as much as you may not want to admit it, we both know Scott has something to do with it. He always has something to do with it."

She thinks back to before. Before all of this, and before Emily came into the picture. She thought a proposal was coming, that they would be starting their life together by now, but some things. Some things just aren't meant to be.

"We're opening the lines of communication Jordan. I think that we'll always be a part of each other, even if we aren't with each other."

“Can you please explain to me what about him has you hanging onto him so bad? You could have any guy you want T. One without so much baggage and one who isn't married."

"He’s just so good. The Emily thing aside. He's fifty times better than anyone guy I know. He cares so much about other people, but he's never cared what they think about him or us. Like he doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks because they will never understand and he doesn't bother to explain it. And he's so smart Jordan."

"That's debatable, he let you slip through his fingers."

"Jordan he's smart and he doesn't feel the need to throw it around. People always think I'm the brilliant one, and sure yeah, I get it, I've gone to school and... But Scott, he just doesn't have to let people know what's in his head, but when you get him going on something. It's... it's. It's all the little details and the things he pays attention to and the way he listens to you speak before needing to add his two cents. It's just everything."

Jordan just sits there silent for a moment, letting everything she just said sink in.

"You've still got it bad Tess."

"I know."

"He's married hon."

"I know."

"He's-."

And she doesn't get to finish her sentence when her Mom interrupts the conversation letting them know that dinner is ready.

Mom to the rescue, she whispers under her breath.

  
\------

  
Just when she thinks she'll be free of the interrogation her Mom pops in for one last lecture as she's driving her to the airport.

"Are you really okay sweetheart? With everything I mean?"

"I'm okay, really."

She wasn't, but she didn't need her Mom worrying about her more than she already was.

"I'm glad that you're getting a fresh start over there and everything. Regardless of what's going on with Scott and Emily I'm glad you aren't getting pulled into it anymore."

"What would I be pulled into?" Tessa asks confused.

"Oh, I just. I thought you said you and Scott were writing to one another. I figured it would have popped up by now."

"Mom, what is it?" She asked. Short, curt.

"You said you didn't really want any news about him Tessa, I thought. I thought I was doing what you wanted."

"MOM." Her heart is pounding in her ears as she waits for her mother's next words.

"Honey, Scott asked her for a divorce months ago."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whomp there it is*


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I promised a longer chapter, but I tore this one apart and put it back together and this is the length it ended up. Hopefully not a complete let down though because update! :)

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." Tessa seethes into the phone. She can only imagine how her sister looks on the other end of the line.

"If I would have told you, you would have jumped at the first opportunity to move home."

"I would not."

"Tess, you just told me you still felt something for him, so forgive me for looking out for you."

"I don't need anyone looking out for me Jordan, what I need is people to be honest with me. Goddddd." She says it all in a rush and then hangs up the phone. Not waiting for Jordan's reply.

She had to wait an entire international flight before ripping Jordan a new one. Her goodbyes with her mother were stilted at best, but she couldn't help it.

she knew she was being irrational and that really her sister was only doing what she asked of them. She didn't want any news about Scott. The house... that had been a lot to process, but this?

Scott asked for a divorce. He was getting a divorce. He was selling their house, packing up his shit and fleeing to Montreal, her Montreal, like she didn't even exist.

All the while telling her that he didn't know where he belonged. It was a bunch of bullshit. She picked up the letter she had written back to him, getting read to tear it to shreds before she stared at it.

She needed to calm down. Need to breathe and think more rationally about things before she just instantly jumped to the worst conclusions.

Maybe he really was selling their house because he couldnt bear to keep it. Maybe he really was just helping out Marie and Patch with coaching and not actually moving to Montreal. And maybe, he asked for a divorce because... No, she wouldn't let herself fall into that one. If he wanted her to know about it he would have told her, but she could still-. She had his number, could send a quick text, it was faster than a letter.

_And if the universe had heard her she watched her phone light up. A text message appearing from one Patrick Scott Moir._

She slid her thumb across the screen opening it. Her heart racing.

_So you really didn't tell me you were in Canada?_

Her heart pounds. How did he know? She was only with her mom and sister.

 _Canada?_ She responds, deflecting feels like a common reflex.

His response is quick. A photo of her at the beach. He'd clearly taken a screenshot of someone's Instagram post.

_Jordan._

God, she really was forcing Tessa to face Scott head on here. Tessa was going to murder her.

 _Care to elaborate?_ His message popped up.

 _And don't try and tell me this was from years ago because Jordan hashtagged it with this year._ Another message followed.

Tessa found herself irritated now. Who was he to question her when he was the one walking around keeping this big old secret from her.

 _I flew in for a few days, it was nbd._ She sent back.

_Why didn't you tell me you were coming home for a bit, we could have caught up._

She can't help but roll her eyes. Catch up?

 _And you could tell me all about how you're getting a divorce?_ Tessa thinks but doesn't send.

When she takes too long to respond she sees a new message across the bottom of her screen.

_Is it because you didnt want to see me?_

Tessa's instant reaction is to type back no, but she stops herself. She knows that a small part of her doesn't. That same part that knows if she sees Scott she'd get lost in his eyes, and his jaw and his smile. The way he laughed at his own jokes and how attractive it was that he could command a room.

So, she opts for a small piece of the truth. One that She hope won't hurt either of them too much.

_I'm just not ready yet Scott._

She sees the dots appear and disappear numerous times before a message finally shows up.

_I'm never going to stop trying to fix things between us Virtch. Take all the time you need._

  
\-----

  
Tessa spends the next few days mulling over his message. Not responding and not knowing how. Her letter to him sits at the bottom of her purse, her not quite able to send it.

It seems even more vulnerable now, and she fears that her words are too real to let him see them. Self doubt creeping in.

_She buries the letter in the back of her closet._

  
\-----

  
Tessa doesn't cut off contact though, deciding that as much as she loves handwritten letters. Text messaging is faster.

She sends him pictures of London and he always sends something back to her, usually along the lines of, _that looks beautiful T._

He sends her pictures of everything. The rink, the park, the skaters. He sends her pictures and she finds herself smiling at each one. It's so simple and it isn't fixing much, but every one he sends makes her think. You, I want you Tessa Virtue to see this.

_It warms her from the inside out._

  
\-----

  
That stupid dream comes back too, her mind a blur of Scott's headstone. Emily and her drinking wine. Them winning another Olympic cycle, but there are pieces she's stuck on. Ones that don't fit. Sometimes she sees children, with dark hair and bright green eyes. She sees an unfamiliar house and a person inside she just can't reach. Sometimes she hears Scott's voice calling out to her. Telling her to come back to him.

_She wakes up in a cold sweat._

  
\-----

 

It's weeks before she sees a missed call from him on her phone. Her teaching a dancing lesson with her phone on silent.

She lets her thumb hover over the play key a moment before she clicks it, Scott's voice filling her ear.

_Uh, hey T. You hardly ever don't answer your phone so... uh, you're probably teaching a lesson or something. I didn't want to bother you and I know that it might be a bit to ask, but I need you to call me. Or don't, I can call you back. Or, neither I just. God, this is embarrassing, I just needed to talk to you about something that's more easily conveyed by talking rather than text. Okay. Now I'm just babbling, bye._

She smiles at the message. Replaying it a few times over, before calling him back. Taking in a deep breath. She hasn't heard his voice in realtime in months.

"Hey, Tess."

"Hey, Scott." She laughs, unable to contain her laughter thinking about his earlier message.

"So, I'm assuming you heard the voicemail."

"Yes, I did hear said voicemail. It was cute."

"I, Tessa Virtue, am never cute."

She decides to let it slide, avoiding the flirty banter sure to follow and instead moving toward the reason for his voicemail.

"Whatever you say Scott, so what was with that cryptic voicemail?

"One of the rinks up in Montreal wanted to know if we could do a speaking event in a couple of months. I didn't want to say yes, without checking in with you first and I know that you're very busy over there in London and everything so-."

"Take a breath Scott. Of course I'll do it."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"You going to tell me when it is? What kind of speech do I need to prepare? Details."

"About four months from now. I can email all the info, but I don't have it all in front of me right, now. But thank you Tessa."

"One of the perks of being partners right?"

They both catch the double meaning and she mental smacks herself in the forehead.

They always used to hate public speaking events, unless they were with kids Scott absolutely adore kids, but always joked that when one got overwhelmed the other could take the reins. Never too much weight on one of their shoulders.

"Well," Scott says, pulling her from her thought, "thanks again."

"That's all you wanted to talk about?"

"Honestly no."

She pauses not expecting that as an answer. She expects his next words to be _Oh hey, and just so you know I got a divorce,_ but he surprises her again.

"I just, I want to talk to you, but I feel like I don't know how to talk to you anymore Tessa. Like I'm walking on glass in order to not hurt you, but that in order to get through what we need to hash out I'm going to hurt you anyway."

"Oh." Is all she's able to articulate back.

"We've skated for over two decades together on that ice T. I know the way you move, could recognize the smell of your shampoo, the sound of you laugh. Anywhere. Anytime. And I know that it's a lot to process and that we've never been able to explain that to people but."

"We're a part of one another."

"It felt like cutting off a limb when you left."

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

"No, don't be sorry. That's not-. I'm glad you did T. Not glad that you're gone but it's. It's forced me to look in the mirror so to speak. I've had to make decisions without you and decisions that have had nothing to do with you and in some ways I think it's important that we've had some freedom."

"You didn't feel free when you were with me?" She asks, trying and failing not to sound hurt.

"GOD, no... I'm fucking all this up. I'm saying that everything thing I did. Every decision I used you as a sounding board, even when it wasn't fair to you. And you, you asked for my opinion on things more than you had to. What I wanted shouldn't have steered your life so much. We're two separate people Tess. We're more than VirtueMoir. And I'm so proud of all that you've done without me."

"I'm proud of you too Scott. At first, well I asked my Mom not to tell me how you were doing, what you were up to. I wanted a clean break, a fresh start, but I realized recently that I wanted you to succeed without me more than I wanted you to need me."

"I'll always need you T, you're my best friend."

And Tessa feels it almost. A small fissure in her cracked heart being sealed together. Not fixed, but altered. Much like Scott Moir has done to her entire life. Altered it completely.

"I've missed talking with you Scott."

"Me too."

"We should do it again soon."

"I'll be around."

"Night Scott."

"Night Tess."

  
\-----

 

It's almost two weeks later when she has the dream again, but it's different this time. She sees children, with dark hair and bright green eyes. She sees an unfamiliar house and a person inside she just can't reach, but this time his face matches the voice that used to call out to her when she was in that hospital bed. Scott holding out his arms, whispering "You came back." But right before she reaches him the dream is empty and the sky is dark. The house has been their house the entire time, but now it looks so desolate. That's how she wakes early the next morning, unsettled and alone.

She thinks about all the times she heard his voice when she was in a coma. Wanting to know why he said the things he did, if he really even said anything at all. She finds herself dialing his number without even thinking about it and he answers on the second ring.

"Tess?" He sounds confused. He probably is if he's doing the math for how early it is in London.

"You were with me you know, while I was in a coma." She blurts out, surely sounds like a sleep deprived lunatic.

He's sounds more calm than she feels, "Yeah, you mentioned that."

"No, I mean. I could hear you. At least I think I did. I kept hearing your voice asking me to come back."

He pauses, seemingly not finding the right words to respond with and she finds herself growing quiet as well. So she continues.

"You said that you loved me, and that I needed to wake up because you couldn't live without me."

"Tessa I-."

_So it was true then._

"No, it's fine I just... I just wanted to make sure that was real at least." She whispers before hanging up.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!

She's so embarrassed when he calls her the next day. Not sure if she should address the elephant in the room, or if he'll be the one to do it.

_Hey Tess._

_Hey Scott._

_I just wanted to call and check in on you. You're call yesterday was... something else._

She decides to pivot. The idea of admitting anything to Scott in a long distance phone call is just too much to handle _. I think I'm just sleep deprived. Another woman from the studio is out on vacation so I'm teaching more classes than normal and I've been having these nightmares and it's all just... a lot._

Not entirely a lie, but also so far from the truth.

_You've been having nightmares? You've always been a restless sleeper T, but the nightmares are new._

_I'm just tired Scott._

_Well, either way. If you want to talk about it, I'm here._

_I don't._

_Okay._

_Okay_.

She listens to his breath through the phone and can tell he's not happy that she doesn't want to talk about it, but there's only so much she can say over the phone when she really wants to say it to his face. Or have him say it to hers.

_I meant what I said Tessa. When I thought you were in a coma. Every last word. But until we fix things at the core of our relationship we're just always going to be those two kids in Canton skating around each other instead of getting our shit together._

_Yeah, well you screwed that up when you married someone else when you were still in love with me._

She feels the heat in her cheeks at her bluntness. Her words echoing in the silence between them.

_At some point Tessa you'll have to let that go. I already admitted I fucked up. I did that, I married the wrong woman and I'm sorry I did that to you and frankly her too. But I will not have you hold that over my head for the rest of my life._

_We shouldn't be talking like this. You're married. You are someone's husband Scott._

She knows that he's divorced, but he doesn't have to know that she knows that.

_Save it Tess, I know you know. London may be miles away but news in this town travels fast._

When she doesn't respond to him he asks her quietly.

_Why didn't you say anything, when you found out?_

_Because I wanted you to be the one to tell me. I didn't want to have to force it out of you._

_Im sorry._

_We keep doing this thing Scott, where we expect each other to step up, but don't go all in. I didn't when I wouldn't start a relationship with you, and you jumped ship when you started a relationship that ended in marriage, regardless of its outcome._

_What do you want me to do Tess? Tell you I'm okay? Tell you that I don't spend an embarrassing amount of time thinking about you, that I don't love you? Because I can't do that._

His omission sends her heart racing and she tries to tamper it back. Jordan's warning in the back of her mind. How she always bent to Scott.

_I'm not asking you to do anything Scott. Im just... this is so far beyond uncharted territory for the two of us. We aren't those kids in Canton anymore._

_I guess_ _we're not_ , he whispers, _I'm_ _gonna go now Tessa_.

_Goodbye Scott._

 

\------

 

The weeks following Scott’s big but small confession sort of cleared the elephant in the room between them. There's still tension when they talk, mostly on Tessa's end due to her growing feelings, but inability to say them to Scott out loud.

Yet, it's like a reset button has been pushed and that they're on the same page as far as where they are and what they are not. It's the first time Tessa has felt that they're on a level playing field in a long time.

He reminds her she needs sleep, and she tells him to take it easy on some of the skaters. Knowing while Scotts always been the fun one, the seriousness at which he skates can be rather intimidating.

He argues with her constantly about not taking care of herself when he knows she's staying up late to talk to him, but she doesn't want to miss the minutes they have together.

He asks her why she's stopped sending him letters and she tells him there's no need to anymore. That talking to him is better in some ways, but that doesn't stop her from thinking about the last one she wrote, gathering dust in the back of her closet.

 

\------

 

_Do you mind if I ask you a question?_ he asks her during one of their aforementioned late night calls.

_You just did._

He laughs, but it isn't his real laugh, and that worries her. _What are we doing here Tess?_

_Talking_ , she exhales, already guessing where this is going.

_I know that, but._

_Scott what I need, is for you to stop asking what my plan is here because I don't have one. Before you said you were willing to wait, and then you didn't. And then the second I up and move you decide to finally get divorced which you yourself have admitted was long overdue... this isn't how I want it to be this time. I loved you with every fiber of my being. Every single part of me loved you and the thought... the thought of ever being that vulnerable again is a level of trust I'm not sure I have in me right now._

_Loved_ he picks up on her use of the past tense.

_I know that it's hard to hear, but I don't know how else to explain my investment in this._

_Investment_? He sounds incredulous.

_Scott, I need you to wait._

_Are you ever moving_ _home_? He asks quietly.

Her silence fills the line between them and She can feel him clicking things into place.

_So, if you don't move back then what? I move there?_

_That's jumping about a million steps ahead Scott._

_Okay_.

_Trust me, the waiting may feel unnecessary, but in the long run you'll thank me._

_Yeah_.

_It'll stop us from making more mistakes than we already have_

 

\------

 

Before she knows it, it's almost time for her to fly to Montreal. Her body humming with the excitement and nervousness of seeing Scott again. Up close and in person.

_What if he doesn't look at me like he used to?_

She shakes away the thought, not even allowing it to be a possibility. They were a team above everything else. Partners, romantic or not.

He picks her up from the airport with a giant hug and a light kiss on her cheek.

_It's good to see you kiddo._

_Likewise_.

_Want to grab some dinner? I hope you don't mind, but Marie and Patch begged me to convince you to have dinner with them_.

Part of her wanted to see Marie and Patch, but a more selfish part wanted Scott for 48 uninterrupted hours.

_Yeah, that sounds great._

And it was, they spend the evening eating and drinking. Playing with Marie's and Patches children, Tessa can't believe how big they've gotten.

She spends the rest of the night being led back to the hotel by Scott who's practically holding her up at this point.

She hasn't been sleeping well and the mixture of lack of sleep with booze is something he's noticed.

_You look exhausted T_ , he says, helping her into her suite. Grabbing her a set of pajamas from her luggage.

_I'm okay_. She says mindlessly.

_I thought we agreed to honesty from here on out._

When she doesn't respond, her eyes starting to slip closed, he squeezes her should gently. Attempting to get her to answer his question.

_Sometimes when I fall asleep, I'm worried you won't be there when I wake up._ She whispers the words before her eyes close.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end of this story. I don't foresee more than two or three more chapters. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has continued to read it, and leave comments, kudos, and just shown it a lot of love.

She wakes up in a cold sweat.

Her reoccurring nightmare makes its regular appearance and she takes in her unfamiliar surroundings. The first thing she realizes is she's in a hotel. The next is that she's alone.

 _Alone_.

Scott had been with her last night? She hadn't been imagining it? She was back in Canada.

The sound of a key sliding in the door set her on edge, but it subsided as soon as she saw him.

Scott, with Tim Horton's in hand. His hair still wet from the shower. His red jacket against his dark jeans made him look heavenly.

_He looked good._

"Look who decided grace us with her presence."

"Shut up, you know I'm not a morning person." She stuck her tongue out at him, "Are one of those for me?" She pointed at the drink cups in his hands.

"Yeah, hot cocoa. I figured after last night caffeine might do you more harm than good, but hot cocoa, there's never a bad time to have hot cocoa."

"A man after my own heart." She smiled. They would never be able to explain to people what it was like to know someone else better than you know yourself, but that's how it was between them. It kind of scared her that it was still like that, even though they hadn't seen each other in awhile.

Their fingers brush as he hands her the cup and she brings it to her mouth, taking a small sip.

"What time do we have to be at the speaking engagement?"

"Not for until 3, we've got time."

"We wasted so much of it yesterday." She whispers the words then brings her hand to her mouth. "I didn't mean it like that, I was so happy to Marie and Patch, but just."

"We had 48 hours." He pauses before continuing, "And now we have 34."

They let the weight of that sit between them for just a moment, but it passes as quick as it came.

"So, what've you got planned for us today?"

He shifts from one foot to the other, and Tessa can tell that he's nervous, to tell her, but she doesn't have time to wait, they don't have time.

"Scott, spit it out."

"I thought we could skate a bit. I mean... I don't want pressure you or anything I just.-"

"I'd love to!" She blurts out with more enthusiasm than is necessary, but she hops out of bedding setting the hot cocoa on the side table before digging into her suitcase. "I'll get dressed and then we can just, head over."

"I'll just wait here."

   
                         ------

 

"I don't remember all of the moves anymore." She whispers as he slides her across the ice. His hands everywhere. It feeds this humming that's making its way across her body and she can't help but wonder if he feels it too.

"Do you trust me?" He asks, and it feels like deja vu.

"Always." She whispers it back without thinking. _With everything except her heart apparently._

"Then just skate."

And they go on like that forever it seems. She can't really tell when she's with him because time almost stands still. She focuses on his face, his shoulders, that small silver chain around his neck, his arms around her and feels herself drowning in him.

She loves the way his arms fit perfectly around her. The hard planes of his chest rising and falling with each breath, the way he pulls her close when they turn. This is the way it used to be, like she could slip right under his skin. Her hands find their way into his hair and she runs her fingers through it. Softly. Slowly. She runs her hands down his chest when she feels it.

_Small. Circular._

No doubt hanging from that chain on his neck. She hasn't seen it in a while. Caught a glimpse of it such a long time ago. The ring Scott got her. Somehow she knows, down to her bones that's what it is.

Her hands begin to shake and she knows he can feel it, his eyes finding hers asking if she's okay, without actually saying the words.

She nods wordlessly, unable to meet his eyes. Too afraid what she might find in their depths. _Comfort. Need. Want..._ and _Love_. She's absolutely sure she'd find some of that too.

His hands wander. Into the dip of her waist, along the line of her spine. She can feel herself shiver and she knows he feels it too. He stares a little too long at her lips and she finds them sharing the same breath.

He pulls abruptly away from her then, nearly tripping her up, but he slides them into the next movement so effortlessly that they hardly miss a step. She waits for the steps to come to end before he presses her hand to his heart. Silently asking for her to sync their breaths.

She likes this more than anything. The moment they become one. The quiet rise and fall she feels moving between the two of them. It's intense in its subtlety and it makes her feel weightless.

Skating with Scott has always been what she knows. He makes her feel powerful and beautiful. Strong. She can't remember what skating with anyone else ever felt like and she doesn't want to.

"It's good to have you back Virtch." He says quietly.

"We should probably get going."

She pretends not to see the way his smile fades as she skates away from him.

 

                       ------

 

The speaking engagement lasts less than two hours. With a few side conversations and pictures thrown in they're left with the night to themselves. Scott absolutely ecstatic and Tessa slightly less so.

They pick some hole-in-the-wall bar to eat at that Scott sees has Karaoke going on for the night. Scott is even more ecstatic and Tessa even less so, if that were possible.

"Come on T." He says elbowing her in the side lightly. "You know you love it when I sing."

She did actually, but usually more on the ice than some terrible cover music to sing along with. But he does Gangsta's Paradise like no one else. Manages to sneak in some Eric Church and MJ. Before begging Tessa to come up and join him.

"Not happening." She laughs waving him off, as he gets the crowd in on trying to coerce her.

"T, just one. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty please." He whines into the mic. Giving her a dramatic pout to finish it off. Scott was definitely intoxicated and Tessa was well on her way. Not enough for Karaoke though.

But Scott always did know how to push her buttons.

The melody to _You Make My Dreams Come True_ starts to play through the speakers and she narrows her eyes at him. He gives her that classic Cheshire smile like he knows he's got her.

She stands without thinking, making her way forward to sing her favorite Hall & Oates song.

"You play dirty Moir." She says taking the mic from him. Giving him a small push out of the way.

He winks at her making his way back to their booth to watch her and she finds herself becoming self conscious for some reason, despite the liquid courage coursing through her veins.

She makes her way through the song verse by verse. Scott not taking his eyes off of her, mouthing all the words along with her, a smile stretched across his face. It's in that moment it all hits her like a ton of bricks.

She loves him and he was the one who helped her make her dreams come true.

 

  
                      ------

 

  
Scott manages to squeeze in two more songs and three more beers before they decide to call it a night.

He has his arm draped over her shoulder as they make their way back to the hotel. Laughing and leaning into her. She swears she could get high off the sound of his laugh.

Scott has a different room, but Tessa tugs him into hers as he's about to drop her off at her door, ever the gentleman.

"Tess." He looks at her warily and she just grabs his hand dragging him further into her room.

"Nothing's happening Scott. I just don't want the night to end just yet." If his eyes look a little sad she pretends not to notice.

She feels bad constantly getting his hopes up but she isn't ready. Despite the fact he's her person, despite the fact he wants her to come home, and despite the fact she's in love with him.

"Do you want me to spend the night?" There's no sound, but their breathing filling the space between them. Sobering them both up.

"Yeah, if you don't mind."

He goes into the bathroom and comes out a few minutes later in an under tee and his boxers. She follows suit, throwing on a tank top and some sleep shorts. It should feel weird, but it doesn't when they climb into bed together.

They turn on their sides and their hands meet in the middle, Scott skimming his thumb across her knuckles before whispering, "Are you ever going to stop running?"

"You're very stubborn."

"I have been told that, but you didn't answer my question."

"I don't know Scott."

He pauses, weighing his next words, "I feel like I shouldn’t have to convince you to choose me. There is no real choice in love Tess."

"Like you chose me?" She snaps back, regretting the words as soon as they leave her mouth.

"Stop it."

She pulls him closer then. Tucking her face into his neck. Taking a deep breath to settle herself.

"Are we in love with each other?" He whispers and she knows he already knows the answer.

She nods into his neck and pulls back to look into his eyes. Eyes she's memorized since she was 7 and he was 9.

"What are we going to do about?" He asks, his breath touching her lips.

She shrugs and it isn't the answer he's looking for.

"What do you want to do?"

"Nothing." She whispers, "There's nothing to do."

He frowns at her words and she's sure she can feel his pain. Hers is practically a mirror image of it.

"I think we're in love with each other, but we constantly fuck things up all the time." She says quietly, trying to articulate it best she can.

He holds her face between his palms and starts to lean in, their lips practically brushing before she reaches around the nape of his neck, pulling the silver chain out from under his shirt. And just as she suspected, a small beautiful engagement ring was attached to the end.

"Tess." He whispers.

"Why do you still have this?" She knew it wasn't Emily's had seen hers enough times.

"Because every future I ever envisioned... You were always in it."

"Scott... I-."

He held one finger up to her mouth to quiet her, his other hand still stroking her cheek.

"This is clearly a lot for you to process and I meant what I said about waiting for you before. Take all the time that you need. And I don't want you to ever feel like you owe me this, or anything else. But I do ask that you don't shut me out again."

She nods slowly and he continues.

"Because even if we don't end up together I will always want you in my life, and I hope you'll want me in yours. And if this is too much. If you think there's too much baggage or history then I'll respect it."

The lights are dim, but Tessa swears she can see his eyes getting glassy.

"I've loved you more than I've ever loved another person and if that means letting you go to find happiness with someone else than so be it."

"There will never be anyone else for me Scott." She whispers the words, willing him to understand.

His mouth looks hopeful, his eyes hesitant.

"I sense a but coming."

"But I'm not ready yet. I'm not built the same way as you. I can't just make a decision and jump. There are steps and consequences."

"Tessa I wasn't implyin-."

"No Scott listen. I gave up the national ballet for you. Cut my legs open. TWICE. Just so I could skate by your side. Took a back seat to Jessica, and Cassandra, and Kaitlyn. The brunt of your drinking after we took silver at Sochi. Had to stand there with my heart breaking as you stood there marrying someone else, even though you said you loved me. So forgive me for being the least bit apprehensive that this time is real. This time we'll get it right. What makes this time so different?"

He pulls her head back into the crook of his neck. His lips brushing against the shell of her ear. His voice sending shivers down her spine.

"Because I thought you'd died Tess, and no heartbreak in my entire existence could ever feel worse than that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of your patience will have a payoff :)
> 
> Also, if the last scene reminds you of something, definitely check out the movie Sleeping With Other People. As it's loosely- based off a scene from that.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're reaching the finish line here folks :)

She waits a month and he still isn't seeing anyone.

_She waits three more._

Jordan tells her if she just keeps waiting for the sake of waiting. It's just cruel.

But she hears that little voice in the back of her head all the time.

_Just wait. See how long before he finds someone to replace you with like he always does. Just wait._

_So she does._

They still talk. He asks her if he should sell the house and she tells him yes. Hears the way it hurts him in the deep breath he takes on the other end of the line. Leaving the conversation with an "Okay, Tess."

She waits then too. As if telling him to sell the house is leaving him free to see someone else, but he doesn't. She doesn't tell him that she's buying it. Using a third party to make the purchase on her behalf. She can't explain why, but she just can't let someone else have it. He made that house for her, for them.

She stays in London and for some reason it feels more dreary than before. Too gray and rainy. Not enough snow or mountains. Not enough fresh air.

 _It isn't Canada_. She thinks to herself as she goes to sleep every night.

He asks about coming to visit and she pivots. Finding excuses for why she can't have him over here. In her space, her other life. "I'm trying to be your friend here Tessa." He whispers.

"I'm just so busy." The lie slips so seamlessly through her teeth.

She hears from a friend of a friend that he purchases Ms. Boon's studio in London and her heart flutters at the thought. He's spending most of his time in Montreal now coaching. Not a house or career holding him to Ontario. So, why on Earth would he purchase a dance studio?

**You starting up a dance studio without me Moir?**

She sends the message without a second thought.

**Just an investment.**

It's so short and succinct that Tessa worries she's upset him somehow.

**Didn't know you were in the real estate business now. ;)**

She sends back hoping to lighten the tone.

**I bought some property in Montreal, London, and I'm looking at some over the pond there just outside of London Tess. Broadening my horizons.**

_London... England?_ She swears she can hear her heartbeat in her ears. She sends the same words she was just thinking.

**London England?**

**Yes**

Her heart beats louder unable to process the information he's relaying to her.

**Why?**

**Looking at a coaching opportunity over there. Testing the waters.**

**You'd leave Marie? And Patch?**

**They don't own me Tess. And they'd understand.**

**Understand? Understand what?**

**That I've got plans. Big plans.**

She doesn't know how to respond to his last message. Half of her wanting to ask if his plans involve her and the other half wanting to tell him moving half way across the world for her is stupid and trying to force her hand.

**Either way, I'll be in London next week checking out the city if you wanted to meet up. But I know you said you've been busy.**

**Are you asking me out on a date?**

She sends the message so quick before she can chicken out.

**Do you want it to be?**

_Yes_ , she thinks, but no is what she sends instead.

**Then it will be the best non-date between friends you've ever had.**

  
\------

 

Next week arrives so quickly Tessa can hardly keep up.

She finds herself tidying up her apartment even though it's already clean. She stupidly invited Scott to stay with her for the week. He politely declined, but she insisted. She regretted it now, but it would be more awkward to change her mind after she'd insisted he do it.

The guest room is ready to go and she leaves her key under the floor mat because he told her he was probably going to be arriving when she was at the studio.

She contemplates the idea of staying later than usual at the studio if only to avoid one night of awkwardness that will ensue now that they'll be in each other's orbit for the rest of the week.

But she should have known better. The lessons are getting out and she continues to dance. Losing herself in the music that's playing through the speakers, feeling the sheen of sweat covering her body when she sees his reflection in the mirror.

Leaning against the door, arms crossed, just watching her. His eyes are dark and he has a semi-smirk covering his face.

"How long have you been standing there?" She tries her best not to pant.

"Long enough. You've still got it T."

She smiles and can feel the blush crawling it's way up her cheeks.

"Wanna give it a whirl? For old times sake."

Her heart is pounding at the thought. Scott's hands on her is something she'd imagined dozens of times. Hardly remembering that sliver of time they were together. Well, she tried really hard not to remember. She missed it.

"What program?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Does it matter?"

She contemplates saying no it doesn't, but the way he's staring at her. The way he thinks she doesn't notice how his eyes wander over her breasts has her wanting to know every thought crossing his mind.

"I mean if I could choose any program again it would be Carmen and the way you look right now has me thinking some very sinful things."

She raises an eyebrow at him and he shrugs his shoulders in response. "You asked."

"I'm in a sports bra and yoga pants." She huffs. My hair is a mess.

"You're glowing Tess." He says admiring her, not seeming to care about the small boundaries she'd carefully created in her mind.

"C'mere." She said holding out her hand to him.

When she pulls him toward her, his hands find her hips gripping her tightly. Her hands slide up his chest, her fingers carding through his hair.

He spins her around the studio, lifting her at various points, but it isn't Carmen. There are bits a pieces here and there, a spark still sizzling between them. For everything she's tried to forget, dancing with Scott like this just reminds her of all the good things between them.

Friendship? _Mostly good_

Trust? _Goodish_

Love? _Great_

Sex? _Excellent, from what she remembers._

She can feel the thrum of of his heartbeat under her palm. Feels it racing.

Tessa finds herself leaning in to kiss him unable to stop herself, before he turns his head at the last minute giving her his cheek before leaning into her. His breathy voice right in her ear.

"Don't tease me Tess. Not if you haven't made a decision."

It's like a bucket of cold water is poured on her and it doesn't take much for Scott to notice the way she stiffens in his arms.

She realizes too late that Scott may have come here to prove something, but the ball is still in her court as far as what they are.

He wouldn’t make the decision for her and force a conversation she didn't want to have. Wouldn't allow for her to skirt around it. He laid his cards on the table and was waiting on her. He wouldn't just kiss her and fuck her hard against the nearest glass wall. Which surprisingly, is kind of what she wanted.

_This is what happens when you're living in the longest dry spell in history._

She looks up at him. Too close to pretend her eyes aren't glazed over with want. "Dinner?" Her voice cracks involuntarily.

He swallows looking down at her, before giving her his best Scott Moir smirk. "Sure thing T."

Which is how they find themselves in some small pub. Eating fish and chips far too late at night to really be considered dinner. Scott's been nursing the same beer for the last 2 hours and she's been downing glass after glass of wine trying to calm her nerves.

She's never been this way with Scott. Well, not never, but rarely. She just can't seem to get a handle on her racing heart or her shaking hands, or this ever present buzz finding its way between the two of them.

"You all right?" He asks, his brow furrowing in concern.

"Yeah," she says, flashing him an overenthusiastic smile. Feeling the warmth creep up her face. "Just happy to see you is all."

His hand finds her on the table and squeezes it gently as if reassuring her. "I'm happy to see you too T."

  
\------

  
Scott's hand finds hers a lot over the next week. When they walk down the street and he laces his fingers between hers. When they're out to dinner and his grips hers across the table. When he tucks hers into his elbow to lead her around the loft he's currently looking at in London.

"This place is gorgeous Scott." She says marveling at the pristine white walls and stainless steel kitchen.

"A place you could see yourself living in?" He asks not so subtly.

 _This_... this is something he'd also been doing all week. Making small comments, gauging her reaction to different things. Future type things. It takes every bit of self control Tessa has to stop from running.

She doesn't know why. She knows she loves him. That they hypothetically can make things work. She's just... Scott has been nothing but a gentleman. Nothing but patient and kind. But he's clearly waiting on her here. It both thrills and terrifies her to hold that much power.

"I think anyone could see themselves living here." She says diplomatically, but can see in the way his smiles fades that it's not the right answer.

_She wishes she could just take a leap of faith._

  
\------

  
On his last night in London he asks if he can cook for her.

Tessa, never one to turn down food made by Scott Moir, proceeds to drink wine watching him make his way around her kitchen, while she just sits on her barstool.

The sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up just enough to make Tessa's eyes glaze over. Anytime he so much as flexes, the veins in his hands looks so much more prominent.

"Eyes up here Tess." He says, smiling at her. The look in his eyes in endearing and she can't help but feel she doesn't deserve it.

She slides off the chair, her limbs feeling like mush and he looks confused as she makes her way toward the door. "Just going to get changed for dinner."

"You look fine now." He says, and she can tell he means it, but Tessa has made a plan with her drunk addled brain.

"Well, I don't want to look fine, I want to look good." She sticks her tongue out at him. "You do." She gestures toward his button down and dark jeans.

He laughs at that as if to humor her and she makes her way up to her room.

She picks the dress. The one Jordan sent her from the back of her closet. It's not that it's so revealing as it is that it hugs just the right curves and is just the right shade of green to bring out her eyes that Tessa knows Scott will eat it up.

She may not know what she wants ten years from now, but she knows what she wants right now and it's him. If this week has shown her anything it's that he's in her head and she can't get him out.

When she makes her way downstairs to the dining room table that Scott's already sitting at waiting for her and does a double take. His jaw flexing ever so slightly.

"You don't play fair Tess."

She knows what Scott wants and now he knows what she does. He may want definite plans, but she needs right now.

Tessa shrugs her shoulders slightly before looking at him under her eyelashes. Trying to look every bit like the cat that ate the canary. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Mhmm." He practically purrs, his eyes devouring every bit of her face, before dropping lower.

They eat in silence after that, the sound of chewing and forks scraping the plates, filling the room. They could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

When they both get up to clear their plates, she feels Scott's arms wrap around her from behind. His face at her neck.

"You knew exactly what you were doing when you put on this dress."

"Maybeeeeee." She holds out the word. Not doing a successful job of hiding what the wine has done to her.

"I was pretty clear about the ball being in your court here Tess."

"This is me sending it back." She says pushing her hips back into his. Feeling him growing harder behind her.

"But you haven't actually decided anything. You just want to fuck."

The crass way he words it, send a thrill through her. She turns around them to look him in the eyes.

"Would it help if I said please." She flutters her eyelashes, mock pouting.

And it's as if Scott's restraint has snapped. He pushes her back into the counter. Bringing Tessa's mouth to his and it's everything she's wanted. Slow, wanting. His tongue exploring the inside of her mouth, like they had all the time in the world, not like his flight was leaving at 5AM. His hands cradling her face, her hands working on the top button of his shirt. He moves one hand to pull hers away. Before he's kissing her neck. His voice vibrating the shell of her ear.

"It's not going farther than this Tessa."

She groans leaning her head against his chest. Exasperated that he just won't sleep with her.

"Whhhhhhhhhy?" She says, knowing that she sounds incredible whiny.

"Well, for one you're pretty drunk, and two I think you think sleeping together is going to somehow clear up what you want, but I think it'll only make things more confusing."

"When did you become so self-controlled?" She asks, actually pouting this time.

"Being celibate for this long has cleared out my brain." He laughs.

"Well, good for you." She frowns, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Aww come on T. Don't be mad." He says hoisting her over his shoulder before making his way toward her room.

"Set me down." She says evenly. Stumbling a little bit at the landing.

"Here let me get you some comfy clothes" he says, lingering in her closet, but she already finds her way to the bed. Eyes fluttering once her head hits the mattress.

  
\------

  
When she wakes up she finds she's in her pajamas.

 _Scott_.

Her mind provides for her. He was digging around in her closet for some clothes. She glances over at the alarm clock on her night stand before she panics. 6AM.

She jumps out of bed, running toward the guest room before she sees Scott's stuff is gone and her heart sinks.

_He didn't even say goodbye._

She sits down on the bed before she realizes he's left a note on the pillow.

_  
Tess,_

_Sorry, I didn't say goodbye, but I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful. I promise I'll make it up to you the next time I see you. Thank you for this wonderful week, and for being the best possible host and showing me London. I know I haven't made things easy, but if I would've given in to last night, as much as I wanted to, it would have been making a mistake and taking two steps back. You know I love you and I'll keep on waiting until you ask me to stop._

_  
P.S. I have your letter._

  
Her heart is pounding as she runs back to her room, tearing through her closet in search of a letter she never intended to send, a letter she'd almost forgot she'd written and comes up empty handed. He really did take it with him.

 

_She hopes to God he hasn't opened it._


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but the way I split it had to be done. One more chapter after this & epilogue.
> 
> Alsooooooo, if you want to check out another story I've been working on Liability. Which I will start to update more as this story is almost finished :) Thank you for all the comments, kudos, and love you've given this story. We're almost there!

_She spends the next two days actively avoiding all calls, texts, and eventually emails from one Scott Moir._

She tells herself he hasn't said anything more about the letter. His texts are rather conversational, so are his voicemails. But Tessa gets a headache just thinking about it.

_I see it in my dreams all the time. You're in my dreams, our children are in my dreams._

She shakes her head out of it, embarrassment coloring her cheeks as she remembered some of the words she wrote months ago.

She prays to God that Scott hasn't read it. It was both extremely liberating and strangely private and even though it was intended for him she felt that he should never read it.

\------

"So, she does indeed know how to answer a phone?" Scott murmurs on the other end of the line.

"Mhmmm, she has been very busy,"  Tessa says evenly. Not feeling anywhere near as calm as she sounds.

"So."

"So," she says back.

"Tess if you're all bent out of shape because of the letter..." he says tapering off his words.

"Please tell me you haven't opened it."

"What's in it that you don't want me to see T? It has my name on it after all."

"It was a mistake." She whispers, knowing full well that it was not.

"Tess."

"If you've ever loved me Scott, I'm going to ask... no beg you not to read that letter."

"Now you're scaring me Tessa."

"Please just don't open it." She whispers before hanging up.

\------

She's sitting in the park a few days later when she receives a text from him.

_I need you not to be mad._

She knows then, that he had to have opened it. That's the only thing between them right now that could make her mad that he had any control over.

_Scott..._

_We need to see each other. In person. Soon. Send me your schedule so we can figure something out. He's definitely read the letter and now she's livid._

_I can't believe you'd read it after I asked you not to._

_We need to talk Tessa._

She doesn't respond and doesnt send him her schedule and feels like everything that was in her control is slipping. 

\------

_I'm terrified that this distance is... was a mistake. That I made a mistake. I have never felt like any place has ever been home. But I have when we're together._

She wakes up drenched in sweat. Her heart pounding and knows that she can't keep doing this. The back and forth, the waiting. God, she's so tired of waiting.

For Scott to slip up. For him to let her go. She's put him through the ringer and he's still here. They're both a little (lot) fucked up, but she's so tired of waiting.

Which is why when 6AM rolls around she goes down to the studio and tells them that she's going home on an extended stay and that she's sorry she can't fullfill her two weeks, but it's due to something urgent. 

They understand, tell her they will miss her, but she doesn't have any time to dwell on it. Starts packing a bag and looking for plane tickets that leave later that night.

It's been a week. A week since Scott texted her and she didn't respond. Unable to come up with the right words. Well now, she's decided she's going to talk to him in person.

\------

She smells the fresh Canadian air and knows for the first time that she's making the right decision. _Crazy_? Maybe. _Life-altering_? Definitely. But right. _Absolutely_.

Her body is practically humming with the thought that she would get to see Scott in less than 24 hours. She shows up at his parents house hoping to catch him before Alma tells her that she hasn't seen him in a few days. She's surprised, to say the least to see Tessa back on Canadian soil. Looking for Scott no less.

"I just. I really need to see him Alma."

"You could call him."

"Trying for the whole 'surprise' factor here."

"He might be up at the studio in London. He bought the space, been working like a madman to remodel it."

When Alma hands her the spare keys to the building Tessa cradles them in her hands. Grateful that Alma is keeping the questions to a minimum.

When she pulls up to the studio an hour later she's struck by how different the building looks from the outside. He's been doing some serious work on the place.

She clicks the key in the lock and is stunned by the inside. Scott, it seems, has been paying more attention than she thought. The mirrors still cover the walls, but in the spaces that aren't covered in reflective glass the walls are colored in lavender.

_It's a relaxing color Scott._ She'd told him once.

And then there's the pictures. Of the two of them everywhere. The gentle caress from Vancouver. The hidden pain of Sochi. The passion from Peyongchang. The end in Bejing. Their whole professional and personal partnership on display. It filled her with such pride... and pain. There was a bit of that too.

It's as Tessa is still looking at the pictures that she realizes that Scott isn't here. That she's probably going to have to call him because in all actuality he'd always been the better one when it came to surprises.

She dials his number from memory and and he picks up on the first ring.

"Hey Tess, you finally done avoiding me?"

"It was really shitty of you to read that letter after I asked you not to." She says almost itching for a fight.

He huffs into the phone before he says something she isn't expecting. "Maybe this was a mistake." 

_He's finally doing it. Leaving her at last._ She can't even say that she blames him this time. But she'll be damned if he thinks he doesn't owe her some kind of explanation. 

"It was too much wasn't it?"

"Tess I-."

"No, I want you to tell me."

When he doesn't answer her she starts to get agitated. "Why did you come to London then Scott? If you didn't feel something."

"When did I ever say that I didn't feel something. Christ Tessa, I came to London to see you!"

"That still doesn't tell me why."

"I thought that was fairly obvious."

"Not to me," she whispers, waiting. He'd been chasing her for so long that she worried normal would never work between them.

"Because I'm in love with you," he whispers back, "Because I love you." The second time is louder, with more conviction."

Her heart is pounding at his confession and she finds herself grasping for the right words.

"Scott, where are you?"

"Why?"

"Because I've been driving all over Ilderton and London for the better part of a day and now I'm standing here in the studio waiting for you and you aren't here, so where on Earth are you?"

He laughs. A loud hearty laugh and Tessa doesn't think anything is funny right now.  
"I came to London. London, England," clarifies, "because you cut contact and I thought if I saw you in person we could fix it. I could fix this."

She finds herself chuckling at their predictament. "Of course you couldn't let me have this one grand romantic gesture Scott Moir."

"We're a mess you and I," he whispers to her quietly.

"Scott, We have so many things we need to discuss."

"I didn't read your letter Tess."

When she doesn't answer, too stunned for words he whispers to her, "I'll burn it if you want. Bring it back to you if you want to keep it for yourself. But I never read it. Would never do that after you asked me not to."

And suddenly all she wants is for him to read it. So, he knows just how much he means to her.

"Do you have it with you?"

"Safely tucked away in my pocket."

"Open it."

"Tessa I don't-."

"Open it please. And read it, out loud right now."

She can hear the tearing of the paper and her heart is beating so loud and fast she can't believe it hasn't exploded. His voice fills her ear with her words.

_Scott,_

_Am I a terrible person for being happy that you would have never moved her in there? Maybe. I just... I dream about that house Scott. I see it in my dreams all the time. You're in my dreams, our children are in my dreams._

_I'm sorry. That's inappropriate on so many levels, but I just wanted you to know that not a day goes by that I don't regret that last cycle. I mean. Not regret, in winning, but in what we gave up._

_What I chose to give up. No medal in the world was worth that. Nothing was worth that. I know I may have made it seem that way, but that medal was never worth losing you over. I'd give it up a thousand times over to spare us the trouble that it caused us._

_As for the protective thing, Emily just put a lot of what I did in perspective for me. Told me that if I wasn't going to choose you I needed to let you go. And that's what I did, what I'm doing. I'm trying to let you be happy. Badly, but I'm trying._

_But Scott. I'm terrified that this distance is... was a mistake. That I made a mistake. I have never felt like any place has ever been home. But I have when we're together. Be it friendship, relationship, whatever. You have always made me feel that way._

_And that's the worst part Scott. That I think I'll always. Even just a little bit, feel like I should be with you. Not because you complete me, not I can't live without you, but because I don't want to. But because I love you._

_And that is terrifies me._

_Take this letter with a grain of salt, I've had three glasses of wine on this flight because of nerves and I probably won't even send this._

_Yours always,_

_Tess._

 

 

When he doesn't say anything, but she can hear his heavy breathing she finds herself whispering his name quietly. 

"I'll be back in less than 24 hours." Is his only reply.

"Scott-."

"Don't fight me on this Tess. The things I need to say to you. I want it to be face to face. Please."

"Okay."

"Okay. I'll see you in less than 24 hours. In our house... or should I say yours?"

She can tell in his voice that he's smiling. Of course he knew she bought it, and she thought she'd been so smooth.

 

 

"Ours." she says back quietly, "Always ours." and then she hangs up the phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Just for clarification, no this story does not involve time travel. I know it might seem that way, but in the next few chapters things will explain themselves. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, and likes are all appreciated! :)


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